Teenage Boys

[kate856body]

Hi, I have 3 children. Tom is 13, Sam is 11 - to my first husband and Niamh is 3 to my present husband.

Sam is like his father and we have always had a few 'issues' Tom is like me and I remember him going through the 'Kevin & Perry' stage but only for about 6 months and now he is turning into a lovely boy.

Sam doesn't like School - never has. He has been at Secondary School now for 7 weeks and has already had 9 detentions! He has no self confidence and is quite immature. I think he looks tired but sleeps and eats well. He fell asleep on the bus last night and missed his stop - apparently he falls asleep quite often. I don't know whether to speak to an expert about his diet?? I also don't know what to do about his schooling. He is middle in his year in Maths, English Science ICT and Geography and is doing well. He hates RE PHSCE and French among others and can be disruptive. My Husband says I don't discipline him enough, his fathers family think I am too tough! I am in the middle and am hoping its just 'a stage' He is not sly or nasty just a little hyper and has a short attention span.
Please give me some help!!

Thank you,
Kate

Hi Kate
The first thing that strikes me is your description Sam is like his father Tom is like me
Sounds pretty much like Sam is labelled in your family as 'the problem'. Your dh sounds like he is jumping wholeheartedly onto the 'Sam's the bad one' bandwagon and the friction between him and Sam could very well be one of Sam's underlying unhappiness (because sure as hell it's unhappiness behind a lot of this behaviour.)

My suggestion - dh takes a step back, you and Sam's dad get on the same page about what the rules are and go into school together to agree a plan with Sam about how to keep him from sliding further down the wrong path. He's at an incredibly vulnerable stage and this could go either way but he's young enough to be helped if you start focusing on positives as a whole family.

Should have said that your post resonated with me due to a similar issue. We have 2 teenage boys. DS1 really a bit of a genetic blip and not too similar in looks or personality to me or dh. DS2 is the spitting image of dh in both looks, interests and character. Dh therefore found it a whole lot easier to bond with ds2. When ds2 misbehaved dh would see it in terms of 'that's just what I would have done at that age'. When ds1 misbehaved dh would be much more irritated and see it more as ' he's a bad kid.

Luckily we nipped the issue in the bud. With a lot of talking and a bit of self analysis dh turned it round and deliberately gave ds1 more attention and ds2 more boundaries. The relationship with both boys and dh now is fantastic and pretty equal. Although they have their teenage moments they are both great kids.It could have gone either way there for a while though.

I think you need to pick small targets of things to work on (to improve). Sometimes looking after the details makes the big issues more manageable, too. What were the detentions for? Can you try to prevent some of them in future?

Some great advice from Betty.

I would just add that you should take the chance to spend lots of one-to-one time with Sam to build his confidence (away from his stepdad) and speak to your husband about his role in all of this. He's only 11, don't let him be defined in this way otherwise it will all become a self-fulfilling prophecy.