16 year old threateneing to leave home

[Stephanie1311]

....to live with a friend 70 miles away. His friend's mother has agreed to put him up. He basically says he hates living in our (nice) area and with his sister and will do whatever he has to do to leave home after his GCSE's next Summer. He has identified a 6th form college to go to.

We believe thsi will be a big mistake but do not know how to stop him. he is extremelys stubborn and determined. For example he wanted to move schools a few years ago and simply got himself expelled and into the school he wanted to go to.

We have tried to reason with him on points of money, home comforts, care and other things he takes for granted but he has an answer for them all. He reckons he will just work in part time jobs and will be able to afford it. the reality is is that if we fail to keep him at home then we would provide financial support but are reluctant to concede this point right now.

We are thinking of informing his friend's mopther that we do not approve and asking her to decline offering him lodgings. It feels a bit heavy handed at the moment and he would be angry at us and just announce that he will find somehere else.

We are verry worried that with all that feedom he would fall into the wrond company and bad habits and his studeies and personal safety would be conpromised.

Any ideas? Thans you

Stephanie

Let him go.
He is 16. You know where he will be.

He will probably be back once he realises he needs money.

Every 16yo I know that has ever left home in circumstances similar to these has crawled home several weeks or months later.

Let him go and try it. He will soon miss the comforts and unconditional love he gets at home.

I don't agree. I think he needs to know you really don't want this to happen. He may be testing to see how much you care and will take any attitude of "well off you go then" as a terrible rejection.

I'd do both. I'd say "We really don't want you to go. We don't think it's the best option for you right now, and we'd miss you terribly... But if you can make the arrangements, and you're still sure that's what you want to do next May, then we'll support you. Let's talk about what you'd need to sort out..."

That way, if he doesn't change his mind - which of course he might! - you will at least know he is making a well-planned change. You can address things like how he'd cope with peer pressure and making sure he already has a job before he goes... And communication between you will still be good, rather than broken, as it would be if you fought him.

Then you can focus on supporting yourselves through this. It's always hard letting our children go; it's harder still when they're going before you want them to... If it were me, I'd need friends to rally round and lots of sympathy and distractions!

I would ask him to stay but let him go. It may work out so you want a good start to your adult relationship or it may go tits up so you want to be able to welcome him back. He sounds pretty capable and determined... Good life skills.

Let him go. Don't be too harsh wen he slinks back with his tail between his legs.

friend's mother is happy to absorb the extra costs with another ever-hungry teen in the house who doesn't know that electricity, gas, water and internet aren't free?

that's nice of her. Make it clear that you aren't contributing a penny.

I probably wouldn't try to discuss the difficulties of living away from home with him any more as it sounds like he won't be prepared to listen and think about the points you raise with him. His mind is set. Hopefully as the months go by he'll change his mind of his own accord.

How well do you know his friend's mum? If I were in your position I'd be annoyed at someone offering to house my 16/17YO without consulting me first. Obviously it's legal but 16/17 is very young and inexperienced. Do you think she made this offer on the condition that you're happy with this arrangement?

If the time comes and he's still keen to go I'd impress upon him that you think he would be better off staying at home and he is free to change his mind at any time.

If you get child benefit for him I'm not sure what would happen if he moved out? (sorry if that's not relevant)

I think you need to be very careful with ideas like "let him go" and "make it clear you aren't contributing a penny".

The reality is, if he is under 20, doing at least 12 hours a week of education under a certain level, and living at this friend's house, then if the friend's mother goes to HMRC, she will get your Child Benefit. If she goes to the CSA, she will get 15% of your income (and 15% of your son's father's income).

You say you would of course support him financially - as any parent would want to. The reality of being forced to "pay up" might be less palatable.

I speak from painful experience :(