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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

condoms for my dd1 and her boyfriend??

70 replies

condomania · 10/10/2013 10:52

She's been in a relationship for a few months now and they are thinking about sleeping together.Some people won't agree with me here but I think I need to help them out before it happens....He is 16 and she is 15 and,rightly or wrongly,I feel the need to make sure they are protected.She's told me that they are both too embarrassed to get some condoms so I said I would get her some to discreetly keep in her handbag just incase things started to 'happen'.Embarrassingly for me, (45 with 3 teenage kids!), I have NEVER bought condoms in my life!!! What should I get her for 'starters'?? HELP!!! Blush

OP posts:
adeucalione · 10/10/2013 11:53

Hilarious that some people think that teenager won't have sex with their partner because a parent has told them not to. Mind you, I might have been of that opinion before DD1 met her first boyfriend, which was a bit of a reality check for me.

OP - it's brilliant that your DD can talk to you honestly (whereas I lied to my parents to avoid disappointing them) and it sounds like you know what to do.

FWIW my advice to DD1 (in a long relationship) was to abstain until they were both 16 but that, if she felt ready, and thought it might happen, to make sure it happened safely. However, organising contraception was down to them.

flow4 · 10/10/2013 11:54

Talk to her about the emotional aspects of sex first. Lots of young people (and adults too) think of sex as a purely physical thing. They don't consider that sex will also set off all sorts of complicated feelings - wild joy, desperate grief, obsession, irrationality, jealousy, panic, fear - that they need to be able to deal with and might not be ready for, even if their bodies are ready.

Then take her to the local sexual health clinic. I personally think it's best for you to take her on her own, because she's more likely to talk openly to staff about what she wants if she isn't with her boyfriend.

The UK has one of the highest teenage pregnancy rates in Europe, and it's wise to be pragmatic rather than idealistic. One of the reasons why is because parents' fail to talk and act sensibly about teenagers having sex...

Heymacarena · 10/10/2013 11:59

I have a 15 yo DS - but I remember being a 15 yo girl. I wouldn't have spoken to my DM about sex - and was doing it at 15. Unprotected. Luckily without any consequence.

It is fab that she feels able to discuss it with you. But. Can you persuade her that it would be better to wait? The boyfriend will be breaking the law - and could end up on the Sex Offenders register - unlikely, but it could happen - and then his future career path will be ruined.

I wouldn't be going out buying any condoms for them. But I would find out about the Family Planning clinic for them. Drive them to their appointment if necessary. If they are old enough to have the sex - then they need to be mature enough to make sure it is safe.

TheAwfulDaughter · 10/10/2013 12:04

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Original poster
condomania · 10/10/2013 12:33

well be convinced,i've been a member of Mumsnet for a long,long time but I changed my name this morning...! Apart from that,although I allow my daughter and her boyfriend time together alone,I know for a fact if I didn't,they could walk down to the beach and have sex so that is not an issue..'liberal' or not!! Also,to be fair,they have both decided that they are not in any hurry to have sex,and,for all I know,they could split tomorrow..noone can predict the future...All I want to do is to help them out JUST IN CASE things get out of control...WHICH HAPPENS!!! and all I really wanted to know was which ones to give to her NOT WHETHER YOU AGREE WITH ME !!! again,thankyou to those of you who have given me some sound advice Grin

OP posts:
JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 10/10/2013 12:36

The police wouldn't be even remotely interested in this because its a 15 year old and a 16 year old. If he were in his twenties then maybe, because he would be seen to be taking advantage of a younger more vulnerable person. As they are with months of each other in terms of ages then they would not an interested at all.

I had a friend whose boyfriend did get in trouble for it but he was 19 and she was only just 14. A massive difference to this situation.

Original poster
condomania · 10/10/2013 12:39

oh,and for the record,I have talked all about the emotional side with her and she is actually a very mature young lady who is herself doing a project on 'teenage pregnancy' at school..

OP posts:
JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 10/10/2013 12:40

Mates are good but not as expensive as Durex.

There are a lot of naive posters on this thread. Probably the very same sort of people whose children tell you all those things you mentioned!

Original poster
condomania · 10/10/2013 12:41

She's also had a 'talk'to one of my friends' sisters who,12 years ago,found herself pregnant at 13!!! She gave my dd some sound advice without being judgemental.

OP posts:
Original poster
condomania · 10/10/2013 12:42

haha yes 'once or twice' EXACTLY!! thankyou for your unbiased help and support Smile

OP posts:
Beccadugs · 10/10/2013 12:43

Condomania I used to work with young people in a sexual health clinic, and wanted to say well
Done for your pragmatism.

A bog standard box of durex, or boots own will do the job. You could always add them to your online shop!

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 10/10/2013 12:47

also, all this talk of teenagers not having sex if they are not mature enough to arrange protection . . . none of the girls i knew as a teenager (including myself) were mature enough because if they had been there wouldn't have been so many pregnancies and sti's. They still all had sex!

Since when has "you're not old enough to do this" ever worked with any teenager since time began.

This is why the teenage pregnant rate in this country is so high, because adults have their heads in the sand about the reality.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 10/10/2013 12:58

I really think it is great that you can talk to openly to your daughter op. I regret having sex at 15 but that's because it wasn't with a proper boyfriend and i had got myself into a situation i didn't know how to get out of. I couldn't talk to anyone about it as my parents weren't as open as you. I was also raised to think that it was my job to keep others happy which i translated into not wanting to upset the bloke by saying no. My mum would tell me that i should go out with a boy if he asked me as it was only polite! She never told me that it was ok to say no.

So even though i regret it i don't believe i would have regretted having sex at that age if i had felt i actually had a choice and if it had been with a caring boyfriend. It must be lovely for a first time to be like that.

I intend to talk openly with my children and hopefully make sure that they have good self esteem and that they know they don't need to allow things to happen unless they want them to. I never felt i had choices about these things, my job was to keep everyone happy.

I so don't want my children to feel like that and i think self esteem and knowledge and openness is the key.

pumpkinsweetie · 10/10/2013 13:03

I think it's very sensible, actually.
There is no point closing the door when the horse has bolted!
She is grown up enough to have had an open discussion with you and buying her condoms is a good idea knowing now she is thinking of having sex. Also mention the pill aswell, and mates are cheaper.

I'm not a mother of teens yet, my oldest is 10, but i hope when she reaches this age she feels comfortable talking to me and protecting herself in the appropriate ways rather than going off and having sex unprotected without my knowledge.

There is no point being niave these days

Sparklingbrook · 10/10/2013 13:04

I think condomania is being sensible, it's brilliant that she has a great relationship with her DD and can be open enough to discuss it.

Dwerf · 10/10/2013 13:56

The Awful Daughter I thought the risk of pregnancy would have been a given to talk about .

I stand corrected on the legal side. It was something I told mine to bear in mind at that age. More as part of the entire 'make sure you know what you're getting into' conversation rather than a threat to keep them chaste. I don't think anything keeps teenagers from having sex, but I strongly believe open discussion and education keeps them safe. Or safer at least.

flow4 · 10/10/2013 14:24

Condoms are free to young people visiting a sexual health clinic. I think that's a really important thing for them to know, since condoms from pub vending machines, chemists and supermarkets are expensive, especially to teenagers with no regular income. It's tempting to make economies...

flow4 · 10/10/2013 14:27

And while some teenagers (like the OP's) may be happy for their mum to know they're having sex, they may not want mum to know how often! Grin

PigletJohn · 10/10/2013 14:34

Lots of people get embarressed at the idea that people will know they might be going to have sex.

A mixed pack is a good idea. Beginners can entertain each other with different colours and styles and hopefully get used to them. Get more than you think will be needed. The FPA will supply a free bag. Durex seem to smell especially rubbery which lingers. Non-latex ones are available at greater cost without the smell.

Obviously the idea that young people can be prevented from having sex by preventing them having access to contraception is ridiculous. So too is the idea that they will necessarily mention it to parents beforehand.

Original poster
condomania · 11/10/2013 13:12

well..thankyou so much for all your support! I DID get some condoms today-online shopping hehe! Bought Durex and told my daughter to keep them somewhere safe and to have them in her bag/purse when she's with him.I'm not throwing them at her and telling her that because they're there,she has to go and have sex.I just want her-both of them-to be careful.Now that i've bought them,I'm wondering whether to just slip a few to my 14 year old son and 13 year old daughter aswell.Again,only because I know what SOME 13 year old girls are actually doing (and,let's be honest,NOBODY knows exactly what their own kids are doing when we're out of sight!) I think we all need to be aware and supportive these days.Things have changed SO much since I was a teenager---although I have to say,my Great Grandmother had her first son the day before her 16th Birthday and that's 100 years ago!!!

OP posts:
flow4 · 11/10/2013 13:34

I just put them in my bathroom cupboard and let my sons know they were there.
When I was a teenager, my boyfriend's mum was a family planning doctor with three kids who all became teenagers within a few years! She had a drawer in the kitchen which she filled with condoms, plus a couple of doses of the morning after pill... It was very unusual back then, but always struck me as very sensible.

SoupDragon · 11/10/2013 14:17

As an aside, you might want to get her to check her boyfriend doesn't have a latex allergy!

flow4 · 11/10/2013 16:19

Not just her boyfriend; she could have one too. Latex-free condoms are also available free from sexual health clinics, but oddly they hand them out in much smaller numbers, as if people with latex allergies won't want sex so often! Confused

SoupDragon · 11/10/2013 16:25

I assumed her mother would know that though.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 11/10/2013 16:36

I'm sure if he has a latex allergy he can work that out for himself without the op asking him.