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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Given up...

11 replies

Fooso · 10/10/2013 10:07

My DS is 14, and a lovely boy but is so irresponsible it's killing me. I've been in tears over it in frustration. He's lost 8 oyster cards (though this has stopped in the last 4 months), last night was supposed to pick up DSD from school and despite repeated reminders forgot and got there 25 mins late (subsequent calls from the school asking where we are!). This morning, after a big chat last night, fell back to sleep in his uniform and got school 20 mins late. I've begged him to keep his room from looking like a crack-den but to no avail. He looks at me and says "sorry mum" but it's breaking my heart to just nag him constantly. I just want him to grow up a bit and take responsibility and be aware of his surroundings and other people. All he cares about is iphone, laptop, xbox... any advice, thoughts?

OP posts:
YoureBeingADick · 10/10/2013 10:13

This mightnt go down well but it's what i think.

Leave him to find out the consequences of his actions himself. At 14 he is responsible for his own room, washing, homework, getting to school on time. There are natural consequences when he fails to take care of all those things- no clean clothes, cant find anything in his room, gets in trouble at school. When you nag you are telling him its your job to make sure those things are done when it isnt- it's his. So leave him to it. He sounds like a good kid, just lazy so when he starts feeling the consequences he will realise he needs to step up by himself. (And he might even realise why you nagged and give you a sneaky hug Wink).

The collecting his sister thing- was it a one off emergency or does he routinely have to look after her?

Original poster
Fooso · 10/10/2013 10:16

It was a one-off. He had a PD day at school so we asked him to do it rather than her grandad. He rung and said what time - we told him and he still forgot and turned up late! It's so frustrating...

OP posts:
YoureBeingADick · 10/10/2013 10:42

Frustrating but more than likely accidental- it wasnt normal for him to do it so although he had agreed, it slipped his mind. It happens. I shamefully forgot to pick up my cousins son from nursery one day as she called to say she would be late home and could i lift him. Of course i could- and then it got to 6.15 and i had this niggly feeling i had forgotten to do something. Then PING!! I remembered. Only 15 minutes late but i still forgot as i wasnt used to doing it.

Palika · 10/10/2013 18:09

It might be that he has attention deficit disorder. Google it and see if you recognise your son in the symptoms.

There is no easy cure for it, though...sorry.

My son is a bit like this and I have been at him from when he was 7 to become tidier and more responsible. It has paid off - he is more organised now.

sashh · 18/10/2013 10:50

When I was at school one girl used to put a felt tip cross or star on her forehead.

People would ask her what it was for and she said to remind her to do X - she would forget otherwise but because people kept asking her about the felt tip she didn't - maybe on the hand would be better though - so he sees it and remembers.

mumeeee · 18/10/2013 23:06

He sounds a fairly normal 14 year old to me.

Spirulina · 18/10/2013 23:09

My ds is now 15. He was like this at 14.... It gets better

If not, well remove the xbox, iPhone etc. don't be scared to! I regularly do it if necessary

wakemeupnow · 19/10/2013 09:07

My Ds is 17 and is still like this.. no amount of explaining and nagging could change him.

He is now living away from home and is in his 3rd set of lodgings because no one wants to live with his careless messy ways. He has been trying really hard but just can't help falling short of the mark. It's a hard lesson that some teen boys just can't seem to get. I've tried so hard to train him how to live with others but he just can't seem to get it.It has made me weep with frustration.

.. I found that post it notes helped. Teach him to make lists. Alarms and reminders on his cell phone.

To be honest I don't know that punishments help. Incentives work a bit better.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 19/10/2013 13:45

Some things I learnt with DS (now 15 and an awful lot better):

  1. if he isnt mature enough yet to deal with all the consequences of his irresponsibility then pick one thing and make him totally responsible for that (eg room tidying). I would be loath to make him face all the consequences as some of them (especially school ones) can be quite long term. Too many consequences turn into white noise.
  1. when you tell him to do something tell him only one thing eg tell him to put all his clothes away dont tell him to also sort out clothes which dont fit. Two things will turn into white noise and nothing will be done.
  1. talk to him calmly. Shouting turns into white noise.
  1. army cadets has been great for my DS. It is military but they do get teenagers. The discipline and consequences are simple and immediate. It is also strangely obsessive - lots of ironing, boot polishing and drill. Lots of repetition.

There is a theme growing here. The big thing is to keep it simple.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 19/10/2013 14:02

Oh, and I read your OP to my DH. He said:

'if her DS says sorry then she is on to a winner ,if she wasnt then he would just shrug or worse'

We still make the mistake of thinking that DS is more mature than he actually is. I think that this is quite a common phenomenon especially if physically they look older. We expect so much of teenagers: to do well at school, to keep out of trouble, to do enriching activities. Some are ready for this at 14 but others, especially boys IME, often arent.

Original poster
Fooso · 21/10/2013 09:26

Thanks all for your posts x

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