help for parents of a---y teenagers..PLEASE?!

[febel]

I feel at the end of my tether at time. My 16 year old daughter, just started college, is like a Jekyll and Hyde , unfortunately mostly the bad part. She is getting worse lately too, just as I thought we had got over the worst. It seems to be as she is at college. She was bad enough at school, but far worse now. She is just plain nasty most of the time to me, and sarcastic and quite frankly horrible. She thinks she can do no wrong, HATES apologising, takes my things without asking (and puts them in HER drawers, screwd up cos she doesn't actually wear them..as she said to me , Why do you think I would wear anything of YOURS? Frumpy etc?!) (we had to get a lock for her elder sisters room but that's another story) She has plenty of money, both pocket and earnt from job so it's not like she is wanting. She tends to skip breakfast, and prob lunch too, or eats it when she gets home from college at 2.30 so then doesn't want to eat with us between 6-7pm. She eats LOADS of crap..chocolate, sweets,the tub of icecream I got yesterday for us ALL, crisps etc but says she doesn't when I say it's not good for her. Have tried ignoring it but upsets me. (and her sisters cos she doesn't put on weight...I think all the nastiness burns it off! ouch!)

The main problem though is how verbally nasty, sarcastic and horrible she is. She sits in her room the majority of the time, unless she is out for an hour or so at an activity (swimming , or dance once a week, paid for and taxi-ed to by ME) social networking (I knew the mini I-pad was a mistake) , gets into trouble with that (people being nasty etc) , wont' tell us why she is upset etc but takes it out on us. My elder two weren't like this AT ALL, I don't know what to do. Tried talking about it, about her , about the pitfalls of social networking sites, about being shut up in her room all the time/on her phone social networking all the time but she gets soooo nasty and wont' listen. We seem to argue EVERY day, and I am frequently either depressed, so angry I feel I am going to explode or in tears (like now) I have a good relationship with her two elder sisters, who don't live with us now (uni and job) but I feel my relationship with her is in tatters.
Can I just add, don't laugh, I do actually work with teenagers, post 16, as part of my job, and get on with them pretty well but she is a whole different ball game. Please help, at the moment I just want her to leave home she is so upsetting and I don't like feeling like that.

((febel))
I work with teens who have severe behavioural problems and autism.. really violent sometimes.. yet when my own DS1 was being violent, nasty, lying, stealing etc I felt so helpless.. it is awful.
In the end I disengaged... on the surface at least. I was polite, but actedas I would towards a difficult work colleague.. distant and refused to engage in argument , refused to respond to the insults ans nastiness. It really threw DS1 who was constantly spoiling for a fight...he wanted me to rise to his nastiness .

It worked.. but god it was hard. I was neutral and on the rare occasion that he was decent I was friendly. In the END he settled down and started to grow up..and now at 20 he is the lovely young man I hoped he would be. Not poerfect but his hormones have settled and he is generally loving, funny and , well just like his siblings who were always reasonably pleasant!

I'd ignore the food thing tbh..it's not worth it. It's minor in the scheme of things. DS1 still eats a 2 l tub of icecream late at night (he's slim and fit as a fiddle and while I worry about his health, he used to smoke a ton of weed so his eating habits are the least of my worries. He no longer smokes thank god as his now g'friend won;t let him )
hang in there.. disengage..

Febel... this sounds very familiar to what we where going through with our Daughter, I used to get so mad and angry with her which just fueled the situation, it was constantly take take take and never given anything in return not even a thank you or a smile..
We too were arguing everyday, I was in tears everyday and so depressed..The wake up call was when she physically attacked me!!
I made an appointment with GP she was referred to Young Minds and has been going there for a few months now.

I have also started going to parenting classes.. If she raises her voice or speaks sarcastically I explain to her I am walking away now because of what you are doing.. This really works she hates it and immediately apologizes and we carry on talking.

I bought her a notebook called thoughts and feelings and anything or anyone that has upset her gets written down in this book and we look at it together but a few months ago she didn't want to come out of her room or would just take junk food to her room - (very little respect)

I am ignoring all the little comments and only rewarding the positive this has made such a difference I only hope I am not speaking too soon!!

She too would be on the Social Networking site all day if she was allowed, we give her 1 1/2 hours a day after homework is completed and has helped with the dishes or tidy up We turn of the wireless off now and set it with a different password everytime.

There is light at the end of the tunnel Hold on in there it will get better it has taken us 6 months and I was on the verge of leaving home ignore all the negative and you will get there with the positive and the respect that you deserve it's far from easy Head up and keep positive

Would one of her sisters be able to chat to her?

You seem to do a lot for her, considering her behaviour towards you.

I wouldn't give pocket money to a child that has a job, I would prob still provide basics like shower gel, shampoo, deodorant, etc.

Change the wifi password every day.
She can earn it by doing basic chores and not speaking to you like something she has stepped in.
Same with driving her about.

My dm always told us it was find to be in a crappy mood, but just say that, and take yourself off somewhere until you're happier/more calm.

Perhaps leave most junk food in the boot of the car, only bring in per day what you are happy for her to eat.
If she's earning, she can buy any extra herself.

You can do all these things while still letting her know you're there for her to talk to.

I was just thinking this morning how things gave been nice and stable (if that's the right word) at home with my almost 16 yr ds. There has been times when I have felt like he is driving me crazy over the last few years.
Hopefully we are over it !!! I treated him like a lodger ( really hard) for awhile to beable to live with him.
You got to not sweat the small stuff . Pick your battles or it will drive you nuts. I get him to change his bedding. Do his washing and iron 90% of the time . Also cleans his own room and does the washing up each night. That has helped so I dont feel like I am a servant. Getting only stroppyness back leaves you resentful I felt. I think that has helped alot.
I have divided junk food up before and say that is yours when it gone that's it till I go shopping.
He went through a time when he was in his room all the time. I just left him to it. Seems to like the lounge again now!! Sometimes the more you dig your heels in to get them to change the more they carry on. From my experience. If she takes your things I would be looking for her to spend her money to replace them if they are damaged.