Rules for teenagers?

[GW2]

DD13 has been very difficult lately re homework and any other work she has to do. Says she doesn't want me nagging her to do it, but then she doesn't do it and we have screaming rows. I took her ipad away (cos she is so rude to me) but she keeps going on at me to have it back. I feel like giving in for a quiet life but I know I should try to be consistent. A couple of days ago she asked me to strike a deal - I stop nagging her and she'll get on with her work. I said I'd try it for a few days, but she isn't getting on with it. Any ideas for how to set rules that everyone abides by? I feel like I'm no longer on solid ground with this teenager parenting thing and don't know how to handle her. I know in comparison with other people's problems this must seem quite trivial, but our house is not a happy place right now and it's not nice for her younger brother.

Can I ask when you took her ipad away did you make the punishment time related? It helps to make your position clear eg DD you have been rude to me so I am taking your ipad and you can have it back tomorrow when you come from school. Stand your ground, do not give in to whinging to give it back. Do not extend the punishment.

Its not worth nagging over homework. If she doesn't do it, the school will give her a detention. Let her learn the consequences of her actions on that one, she'll soon come round.

I agree with fortified you have to hold your ground. It is very difficult to stick to the punishment that you set, but if you give in, then you are teaching her that if she whines on, then the punishment will be lifted.

Another thing that I have been guilty of myself is setting a punishment in the heat of the moment when I am boiling mad. Often in times like this, it is easy to overshoot and say something like 'if you continue to do xxxx then you won't be going on holiday tomorrow' or something equally ridiculous. This then just shows that you don't mean business and weakens your position. It is better to explain that they have annoyed you and that there will be consequences that you have to consider and then you will let them know when you are both a bit calmer. This technique has the added advantage in that it means that your teen has time to stew and reflect on their behaviour.

I would also say - match the punishment with the crime. Taking the ipad away is a suitable punishment. Removing internet access, phones, lifts, money all work - it has to be something that they value and will miss.

Good luck - teenagers are hard.

With this deal she's negotiated - you say she isn't doing it. Do you know this? I wonder if you have different standards or she thinks she's doing enough, but you don't?

I agree with PP about setting realistic punishments. They aren't meant to punish you - make sure you can follow them through.

Also, your job is to enable her to take responsibility for her schoolwork. She'll be dealt with at school if she's not doing it.

Thank you everyone. It's good to get some advice. And yes, I did remove her ipad in the heat of the moment, a bad idea. Things aren't improving, except she is getting in to trouble at school which is stressing her out. The latest (tonight) is that she's threatening to leave home because nobody understands her. So upsetting as underneath it all she is a lovely girl, but I am so worried about her.

With my 13 year old dd, until recently similar tensions over homework and similar computer ban. But actually, my dd hadn't been getting in trouble at school (that I know of), it's just that she did it last minute/late etc or asked us for ingredients for food tech at midnight the night before etc.

Eventually, we discussed - I don't want to be wasting my time monitoring her homework and don't care if it's all 'perfect' as long as it's done on time. She wants not to be nagged and to have computer access. So we agreed I'd give her a month to organise herself, give us good notice of ingedients/anything else she needed, and if by the end of the month it was going fine then we'd leave her to get on with it, if not we'd go back to my checking her homework and insisting she did it as soon as she came back from school. It's now over a month and she has been doing it - not as soon as she comes in, which I'd prefer, usually in front of the TV which I don't really like, but doing it. And we've stopped rowing about it.

Could that approach work for you? - explain that you want to treat her as an adult provided she behaves like an adult - if not, then she'll have to go back to being treated as a child until she's understood how important it is to stay on top of school work, even if she finds it boring.

If she's actually getting in trouble at school or v behind then this approach might not work, I suppose - in that case she might need your help to actually do the homework. She might be resisting because she just can't actually do it but is scared to admit this - know my dd was like this before exams last summer. I discovered the reason she wasn't revising for her exams was because her notes were rubbish (gappy/illegible) - bought her some Letts Revise KS3 type books and she got down to revising quite happily (and did v well in the exams). Don't be angry if she is behind - will only make her feel worse - just make it clear you're happy to help or advise or get extra resources etc if she needs it and otherwise you expect and trust her to keep on top of it herself.

You can use the computer time positively rather than negatively eg as a reward for effort put in not removed as a punishment for 'naughtiness'.

When my DD was 13, homework was one thing i just backed off, she was punished at school for not doing it, i encouraged her to do it but i couldn't force her. To be honest at that age she was such a nightmare we were having problems with so many other things that homework was the least of my worries. Does your daughter have homework club at her school? in the end my daughter started going to that and doing it before she came home, stopped her getting endless detentions .

I don't check my 13yo and 12yo's homework is done on a weekly level, but we hear about it at parents' evenings, and if they weren't doing it I would certainly be taking away laptops and tv time. I do agree that homework should be their responsibility but with my dds we've chosen schools that aren't that pushy, and don't have long hours or heavy homework loads or harsh sanctions for lack of homework, so I do make sure they do what they get.

Generally we negotiate rules, which tends to work well with my dc, so we negotiate how and when they'll do homework, and chores, and other things I want them to do, and they get quite a lot of freedom in terms of what they do and where they're allowed to go, but some things I do insist on - going to school, doing music practice IF they want us to pay for lessons, doing homework, doing chores, being polite around the house to us and each other.