What have you learnt not to do when you have teenagers?

[KatyPutTheCuttleOn]

1. Don't ask rhetorical questions - they might get answered and you might not like the answer! Cue angry teenager, stressed mother and then tears on part of unhappy teenager.

What have you learnt not to do when parenting teenagers?

If they do something out of order, don't start doling out consequences. Just say there will be a consequence, then give yourself time to think how bad the offence is, or decide it's not actually so heinous.

Speak like a therapist, without passing judgement. Lots of noncommittal, non-partisan oh, ooh, gosh, ah. This will keep the conversation open - if you voice an opinion it WILL be wrong.

Not to believe them when they say they are choosing healthy options from the school menu!

I have leaned that I never want to be a cringey mother who seems like someone from the dark ages who seems like they come from another planet and is constantly laying down the law and taking the moral high ground but I equally don't want to be down with the kids and trying to be one of them. Hopefully I manage to strike a balance which means that, fortunately, I don't have one of those monosyllabic, uncommunicative teens who hates me a la Kevin and Perry.

I also refuse to be one of those parents who comes off like so many do as someone who is trying to live vicariously through their children and using their achievements to bolster their own egos. You know, the sort who are talking about when they go to university when they're still in nappies.

I think I resemble both those remarks at times!

Post on their Facebook page.

Don't hang the washing outside their bedroom, you will never have any socks when you need them. Hang the washing on another floor altogether as teenagers are too lazy to use stairs unless its unavoidable.

On the subject of socks, you will never have any anyway. My socks always vanish and resorting to buying ones that my DD hates doesn't work either. Socks come out of the sock bag (yes, we have one!) and go into their room never to be seen again.

I love winter, cold toes because I have no socks to wear! I gave up buying 5 pairs every month, it's too expensive.

Aaaghh! The socks!

WTAF causes a woman with size 7 feet to steal men's 9-12?

As for advice, peering over your glasses and saying "that's nice dear" covers most situations.

• dont tell them to do more than one thing at once

- dont get too involved with their friendship/relationship problems - dont be surprised that there is actual milk in the fridge no matter how many bottles are in there - dont forget to buy alphabetti spaghetti - dont for get to listen - dont bother asking who ate the bread - dont forget to love them with every fibre of your being because just as they turn into wonderful adults they will leave

Don't laugh at them
Don't be in a hurry to pick them up when they have "missed the bus" (unless you fear for their safety). A stint waiting miserably in the rain does wonders for their ability to read a bus timetable
Dont do their ironing
Don't tidy their rooms
Don't strip their beds - the vibrator moment will stay with me a long time!
Do
Always, always keep the communication channel open even though you feel that one more grunted "fine" will tip you into a murderous frenzy.
Feed them. And their friends. Lots.
Say "you look nice" when they are trying to look outrageous
Slip them a tenner when they least expect it
embarrass them as much as possible by talking about sex.

enjoy the cuddles
enjoy it when they chat none stop from time to time
enjoy what they do share with you (as there is so much they will not be sharing)
enjoy them growing up
don't wish it away
ignore the tantrums - they will grow out of it

Nothing, DD1 is just the same at 15 as she's always been, except she's a bit less dizzy.

And

Everything DD2 is a few months of being a teen, but mum has been wrong and embarrassing since she was about six.

I'm not going to start worrying about it now.

I do not parent teens, thank goodness, but having read all this I am getting worried about DD(9).

Teens are lovely. You will have to parent one in a few years.

Three things

Develop a much thicker skin
Don't tag on FB
Pay them to do things as it's money you will have to give them anyway

When they tell you shocking things that make you think to yourself omg, hold it in, maintain your usual neutral expression and say 'oh that sounds nice' as though they are describing a new pair of curtains or something like that to you. This is vital to keeping the lines of communication open - judge and another door will close.

Have lots of food in the house for when friends come round - this is particularly important for teenage boys who you can never fill up.