If you have teenagers are things much different now?

[IcouldstillbeJoseph]

I'm 34, DH 43, have DS 2 & DD 8mo. We live in a little cul de sac - the family opposite have a 14 yr DD. She is allowed to have parties with alcohol and lots of boys staying over. Her mum just stays in her bedroom so she is "there if they need her".
I'm NOT judging, not in the slightest - I'm just wondering if things are different now. I'd never have been allowed a party like that at her age. DH seems to think things are different now.
If you have teenagers, are things different to when you were their age?

I would not Aloud boys to sleep over at 14 or alcohol or party's I have a daughter that age no way ! Xx

Not in this house!

I don't think my 14yr old would be comfortable at a party where there was alcohol ( she doesn't drink much as we suggest " a taste" when we have a family meal with alcohol).

I'm aware that the older 2 went to parties where there was drinking from 16-17 but again eldest didn't drink much ( and I don't think she does now even at uni. She's a control freak and doesn't see the fun in getting so drunk people can fool you into believing you did all sorts!).

THe kids go else where for sleepovers as other people have very naice houses and paddocks/barns, we don't LOL

No way at 14.
DS1 went to lots of house parties / sleepovers from 13. We are very rural so long distances involved. Parents always in attendance and no alcohol, at least not until 16. The year they all turned 16 changed and there was alcohol involved but still fairly limited.
I would not let DC go to a party at 14 where there was alcohol nor would I host one.
That doesn't mean I'm an ostrich. We talk about alcohol and it's effect on behaviour and both have been allowed a drink on holiday or at home occasionally from 14.

Not here either (I have a 17 yr old ds and 14 yr old and 12 yr old dds). Nor is that what happens in their friends houses, nor in my friends houses.

I have 3 teens 18, 16, 14. My kids don't appear to want to go to these sort of parties, we certainly don't have them at our house, but plenty of other people do.

My DDs are 17, 13 and 6. The teenagers are just normal teens who are still happy having sleepovers with their friends, going to the cinema and drinking coke as a treat

Totally different to my teenage years, my parents plied me with alcohol and tried to make me wear inappropriate stuff and loads of make up to make me look my age FFS

Things are different now in that they spend hours chatting on facebook, when I was a teen we spent hours on the phone ;-)

I would never allow a party like that at my house. DD is 14 and not interested in that kind of party anyway, but she says there are kids in her year who have them/go to them.

Certainly no boys over and my eldest dd is 18. Her one and only party was at 17 and yes there was alcohol there then. I'm very happy she hasn't felt the need to push for either of those, I on the other hand drank and had my boyfriend over as a teenager.

I'm very happy that she has such a respect for herself and hope her younger sisters will follow suit. Her dad and I have been together since I was 17 so he was the boyfriend !!

There's nothing wrong with judging what you describe as neglectful.

No it's not normal at that age ime.

I think some parents kid themselves (or allow themselves to be kidded) that drinking and assorted related behaviour is the norm now, but it really isn't. Not in my house anyway and my teenage daughters are perfectly happy with it.

I am worried about the accessibility of free porn via smartphones, web etc and the fact that this is viewed as being normal. I think C4 are doing a campaign about it. My DH who works at a place with many kids in their early 20s says it is now the norm to be completely 'hair-free' even for guys. I am very worried about that sort of environment. I think the book Raising Girls by Steve Buddolph covers some of these issues and more. I think he says 14 is really the old 18 and 10 is the old 14.

I have a 15yr old niece who has gone completely off the rails and her father has told me much of this. I am unsure how much is widespread though.

There were parties with alcohol in my young days. There were teens who slept with their boyfriends in my young days. I'm 50 at the end of the year.

Dd goes to parties but doesn't drink herself and knows I am not going to host any drinking parties. Nor does she have sleeping-over boyfriends.

Not very different from me in my young days, except she seems to experience less teen pressure; it genuinely doesn't seem to worry her that she does things differently from some of her friends. I had to convince myself that my peers were people I couldn't go out with at all because their values were so different: dd and her friends just seem so much more tolerant. I drink, you don't, big deal.

There is lots of alcohol at parties around here, starting at about age 15. I hate it, and my children have managed to not go overboard. I have to say that a lot of parents are not aware of what is going on, often in front of their noses. Kids sneak alcohol in to parties, and my sons tell me that many people have tried pot by age 16. These are not feral children, and they are from a mix of state and private schools.

We went to house parties when I was a teenager, I think my first one was when I was 14 (44 now).

There was a small amount of cider available, I think, but generally they were very 'civilised' affairs. (I had a dinner party for my 16th!)

But ds1 rarely goes to parties, although when he does he takes some ciders or lagers along- but he's nearly 18! In fact he's far less of a party-goer than I was.

I'd probably let him have a party here now (Dh wouldn't though), but not when he was 14.

I think ashleysilver makes a good point about being in touch via FB etc- DS1 spends a lot of time chatting with his friends on xBox live, texting etc.

If anything with the children I teach (and my own DS aged 14) teenagers are more babyish than I was at 13/14/15... Some of my yr 9s were doing clapping games the other day

Actually, thinking about it- none of ds1's friends drink very much- only at parties and even then they usually bring most of what they took back. None of them smoke and I don't think drugs have reared their ugly heads yet.

They're far tamer than I was!

MY DCS are 16 and 18. DS's gf stayed the night for the first time on his 18th because DH wanted to have a drink and didn't want to drive her home.
At 14/15 they have been to parties with drink, but partly because ds crowd were a bit older than him. Neither of my two do drink much at parties anyway and have a sensible attitude towards it.

I have a year 10 tutor group and in registration/tutor time I hear them talk about which pop bands they like and who they fancy in the pop bands, in a similar way to me with Duran Duran in 1984. Difference being I was 11/12 then not 15!

Yes, I get the impression that teens are more sheltered these days. We went to parties as mid-teens and there was always alcohol available :-) and this is amongst the genteel strata of society too!

My DC (both 14) do not drink alcohol and avoid any parties where alcohol is allowed.

But, they have peers who are allowed to drink and whose parents provide alcohol for young people. Mind boggles!

My ds and his mates have always had gatherings with alcohol from about 15. Been to festivals and clubs everything As a result him going to university has not been such a worry. He says some of those who have never had a party or been to a pub/club are way over doing it and ending up at A and E!

Theas18 - I briefly misread your post as - she doesn't drink AS much as we suggest! :) haha

That wouldn't be allowed here OP!

I have two DCs, who are 16 and nearly 13. We have never had that sort of party and never will! My elder DD has a friend who is a boy (not a boyfriend apparently!) who comes over regularly and is welcome, but they stay downstairs. I know when she goes to his house that they are allowed upstairs to watch tv and play computer games. She has told me that nothing further is going on between them, and I trust her.

DD is offered a sip of wine etc. if we are all together as a family but is not interested. I don't drink so that may be why she's not bothered. I know some of her friends from school who were given alcopops by their parents for birthday presents at thirteen, and were encouraged to drink. The parents even put the photos on Facebook.

I have DS (17) and DD (14).

They are not perfect by any means (the occasional back-chat that has to be dealt with as well as the odd bits of selfish/thoughtless behaviour around the house).

There is no aggression, violence.

DS is in Year 13 and his grades are looking good. He has been visiting Universities all over the country on his own, by train, to think about his future for himself. He is not the perfect student (everything is disorganised and last minute) but he has always had a great relationship with his teachers. He is also working part-time about 22 hours a week and sorts out his own meals around those shifts and cycles there and back himself, only asking for lift once when it was absolutely throwing it down with rain. I bought him a good quality set of waterproofs and he insisted on paying for them "But I'm working now Mum, don't treat me like a kid!"

We have had two phone calls since DD has been at secondary school which have been about her chatting in lessons. This is absolutely her character but we have been supportive of the school and have taken away her Ipod and refused her a trip to the cinema to make the point that we do not accept this.

There is small amounts of alcohol offered on special occasions which has never yet been accepted by DD but DS (17) had a Bucks Fizz last Christmas and did voluntarily tell us he'd had a bottle of beer one night in the summer when the rest of us were away. No alcohol goes missing.

Neither have yet shown an interest in the opposite sex or indeed sex itself, although I'm sure they have privately (iyswim).

Neither have disobeyed curfews or seem interested in going to the parties that go on.

Neither smoke and both consider acquaintances who take drugs to be "chavs" or "idiots" - their words not mine.

I think a lot of it is to do with their friendship groups. Both have brilliant sets of friends with similar behaviours.

I think it is also down to family/friends of family.

We have friends round and we drink quite a bit on those occasions but never to the point that we can't control what's going on. We like our music a bit rowdy sometimes but never so we disturb others or are anti-social to our neighbours. We don't use drugs.

No subject is taboo if they want to talk and we are truthful about our own failings and disappointments and times when we wish we'd behaved differently. I always apologise afterwards if I swear or get angry, for example.

If we disagree on a moral issue then that's fine, but we have a full-out debate and all explain our feelings.

Sometimes it's chaos here and everyone's annoyed with everyone else but somehow we get through it! We are very lucky and I am well aware that it could all go wrong at any time.