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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Would you consider this?

29 replies

purpleroses · 28/09/2013 14:01

DP and I have booked a few days holiday together. Monday-Friday. His DCs are normally at their mum's in the week, and I've arranged a while back for my ex to have my two for the week.

Things have now got difficult at my ex's - not enough space, DD (10)can't sleep as her baby brother (Ex's DC, not mine) wakes everyone up at night, etc. I'm hoping to speak to my ex about it and see if he can come up with some better sleeping arrangement, but DD is really unhappy about how she'll manage 4 nights there with school the next day and not getting to sleep, so I'm looking for a plan B that won't involve cancelling our holiday.

DP has suggested that we could ask his eldest - DSD (16) - to stay at ours for the week and look after DD (and my DS, who's 13) overnight. My ex could probably give mine dinner each night and drop them round at 7ish. Both can make their own way to school in the mornings, and see to their own breakfast, etc so there's not a lot DSD would actually have to do besides just being around for them. My ex would be available to be sort of on call if she did have any problems (sick DC, etc). DSD is a mature and largely sensible girl - has a bit of an active social life and past problems of hosting gatherings at ours when we've been away, but I'm thinking that mid-week and with my two DCs in the house that ought to cramp her style a bit, and overall I'd trust her.

Is that asking too much of a 16 year old? Would you consider it? If so, would you offer money?

OP posts:

secretscwirrels · 28/09/2013 14:41

No way.
I wouldn't leave a 16 year old in charge of a 10 and 13 year old, not even for one night.

louby44 · 28/09/2013 15:01

I think it depends on the 16 year old. If she's reliable and trustworthy then maybe.

Have you asked her what she thinks of the idea?

PestoSwimissimos · 28/09/2013 15:05

Never!

chocoluvva · 28/09/2013 15:09

I don't think I'd do that. I'm not exactly sure why - seeing as your ex would be available if need be and there would be minimal catering required. Would the younger ones do what your DSD asked them to?

headlesslambrini · 28/09/2013 15:09

no, imagine something does go wrong, the 16 yr old will have to live with that. Not fair on her.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 28/09/2013 15:10

Would I consider it? No, absolutely not and not with any 16 year old, let alone one who has a track record for having 'gatherings' in your house.

Babies do sometimes wake people up in the night and if the baby was yours, your dd would just have to cope with that and for probably many more than 4 nights. I think she should just go to your ex tbh.

chocoluvva · 28/09/2013 15:14

She might that she sleeps through the baby crying after a couple of nights anyway.

Original poster

purpleroses · 28/09/2013 15:30

Sorry - should explain - DD shares the bedroom with her dad, his DW and baby brother at her dad's. DS sleeps in the living room, so it really is very crowded. I'm hoping ex will shuffle things around to let DD sleep in the living room too, as that may be the best option, but his DW doesn't like that as it would mean they can't watch TV, etc once she's gone to bed. (DS goes to bed later, so less of an issue with him being in there). DD has never been a good sleeper and finds it very hard to settle after she's been woken at night. She's got to the point of being so tired she's fallen asleep in school after some nights. I've already reduced the weekday nights they go to my ex's.

OP posts:

chocoluvva · 28/09/2013 15:33

Oh. That's not a great sleeping arrangement.

I don' know. Compromise with DSD and your 2 at your own home on mon and thurs night. Ex's tues and weds?

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 28/09/2013 15:36

Ah. I see.

Tbh though I still absolutely wouldn't even contemplate leaving them with a 16 year old.

Original poster

purpleroses · 28/09/2013 15:45

I think that might be a good option chocoluvva - I'd worry that 4 nights would be a bit long to leave DSD in charge of them, but 2 might be more reasonable. And 2 nights of not much sleep not as bad as 4.

OP posts:

lljkk · 28/09/2013 15:47

Why can't the ex stay over at your house for those 4 nights? See it as supporting his children by making sure their other parent has a decent respite?

Original poster

purpleroses · 28/09/2013 15:51

I've thought of that lljkk - We're all local so it would be feasible. My DP isn't terrifically keen on the idea - though I could probably talk him round. Not sure my ex would be very keen either though, or his DW who he'd have to leave behind (am quite sure she wouldn't want to come here). But could consider it. I've asked my parents if they would come and stay here, but they won't - they're a long way away. They suggested asking DSD

OP posts:

ihatethecold · 28/09/2013 15:55

Do they have any friends that they could stay with?

chocoluvva · 28/09/2013 15:55

How far is your home from your ex's?

Original poster

purpleroses · 28/09/2013 15:58

They don't have any friends I could ask for them to stay with for 4 nights. One night maybe, but my DD doesn't have a great track record of sleeping well on sleepovers either...

I live about a mile from my ex's.

OP posts:

chocoluvva · 28/09/2013 17:03

Could your ex pop round before they leave for school in the mornings and check on them at 10pm?

valiumredhead · 28/09/2013 17:30

I used to babysit 4 children under 10 over night at 15.

At 16 I'd left home and was working.

It completely depends on the 16 year old.

Original poster

purpleroses · 28/09/2013 17:42

Think DSD might find that a bit odd choco - she doesn't really know my ex at all. He could be available by phone though I'd have thought, or text/phone DCs directly to check on them.

OP posts:

chocoluvva · 28/09/2013 17:48

Ah. How about a neighbour?

NotsoSmugNow · 28/09/2013 18:30

If Dads happy to have them, and you're happy with the sleeping arrangements (or were until DD complained) then it seems to me that it's just a case of telling your DCs that is what is going to happen!

It sort of reads as if you are placing responsibility for your DCs on your DSD so you can go on holiday without feeling guilty about your DD being unhappy. I'm sure that's not your intention.

Original poster

purpleroses · 28/09/2013 20:39

I do want to go on holiday without feeling guilty that DD is miserable and not getting any sleep. But I only want to offer DSD responsibility (and possibly some money) that is reasonable for her to take on. That's what I'm trying to figure out - whether it's an ok thing to ask of a 16yo.
The problems with lack of space/sleep at my ex's are not new - DD's been complaining for a while. I've tried helping her explain to her dad what's wrong and suggest ways to improve things but nothing has worked. It seems to be getting worse and the only thing left to do seems to be to reduce the nights they spend there

OP posts:

chocoluvva · 29/09/2013 08:50

In theory it sounds fine; they're not little children, their DF is only a mile away, they need only be at home in the evenings and before school. But I wouldn't feel comfortable with this unless there was an emergency.

FWIW my 14YO DS might be a handful in this situation: he wouldn't take kindly to being supervised by a 16YO eg he would probably have to be told to go to his bed and he would probably amass a huge pile of damp towels, eat a ton of rubbish, forget to do his homework, go out in dirty clothes etc.

That's just my DS of course. And five days isn't very long.

FeetUpUntilChristmas · 29/09/2013 09:12

OP, my DD is a very sensible 16 year old and her sister is a well behaved 14 year old. They get on well together yet when I had to go away for a few nights during the week earlier this month I would not leave them home alone overnight. They went to stay with my parents who live 15 min drive away, this was despite my DSis living a 5 min walk away.

Your DSD appears to have a less than perfect record and you are considering leaving her in charge of a 10 year old who is still at primary.

dexter73 · 29/09/2013 10:05

I think chocoluvvas suggestion of 2 nights at yours and 2 nights at ex sounds reasonable.

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