Dealing with 16 year old dd rudeness

[febel]

Sorry, got to have a moan.My daughter is so very rude, disrespectful, aggressive and touchy but whatever I do or say it doesn't seem to make any difference. Don't know what I have done wrong in bringing her up as she is totally unlike her other two elder sisters (21 and 23) who are away at uni/live away with job. I had my moments with them but they weren't disrespectful and rude like she is, and by 16 were pretty good, although I wonder if this is because she is my youngest. Her sisters can't believe the way she talks to me at times. Talking to her is like playing Russian roulette with a loaded gun, you never know if she will fly off the handle and she seems to have no empathy at all. She won't ever see that she does anything wrong, seems to think she is just talking normally and doesn't seem to realise that she is so aggressive and rude and downright nasty at times. Is this normal?

Take this morning, when she barged in on me, asleep, at 7am, asking what to take for a sore throat. (I don't work Fridays I might add, am normally up walking the dog!) I struggled to wake, sympathised, told her to have a warm drink, something to eat and take some painkillers. Dragged myself out of bed to make her a cup of tea, which I took up to her in her room whilst she was putting makeup on. Went back to bed (day off) I then remembered I didn't have an address for where she was going to straight after college,(she will expect a lift back) got up to ask her for it, she shouted at me, "ALRIGHT,don't go on, I'll get it!" etc etc in similar vein, instead of "Omg, forgot, wil text it you" I went back to bed, she went downstairs, presumed she had breakfast, got the lunch I'd done, then I heard her banging away on the piano, loudly, then slamming out of front door.

She never seems to appreciate the taxi-ing around we do, the care I give her etc although I know teenagers can be like this my other two always said thanks after a lift etc She just stays in her room most of the tine and shouts at me if I suggest she is on her technology a bit much (am not the only one thinking this, her sisters couldn't believe that she kept going on her I-pad when playing a game with her)Surely at 16 she should be getting better? Surely I shouldn't be watching what I say, or to be honest avoiding her last night when husband out (I took a very long way home after dropping him off, and stopped off at supermarket to avoid going home)

ps. just re read message and it does seem a bit of a rant! But am fed up and upset about her and just don't know how to cope with it. She doesn't care about money punishments and it seems a bit draconian to take I pad/phone off her for being rude ,and furthermore she can argue like a lawyer and tie me in knots!

my 16 yr seems to have got better recently, just to give you some hope, but she was just like this a year ago, the only thing I can say is do not engage with it, just ignore, ignore, if she follows you still being rude ask her to leave you alone and come back when she can be civil, if she wont remove yourself. You don't have to pick her up and run around after her, just say no, I know this easier said than done. The only thing that worked for my daughter punishment wise was turning off the internet, I blocked her access to the wifi, she was not happy but not much she could do.

I read your message this afternoon and it made me feel so much better. My 14 yr old is exactly the same. I was nearly in tears earlier, it's good to know I'm not the only one. Unfortunately I don't have any useful advice, I'm just as stuck myself, sorry.

warn that inessentials will be stopped unless manners improve. Taxi service, internet outside homework, smart phone, new clothes; everything except food, shelter and education.

then follow through!

Suspending her phone contract really works here. We've had a pretty rough week here (to put it mildly) and came to the end of my tether this morning. I rang the phone company. She stropped around a bit and then returned to her usual happy, nice (ish) self. I had it re activated soon after (though usually I give it a day or two). It works a treat EVERY TIME. I don't know why I don't do it more often...but maybe that's why it works so well!

Consequences!

The next time she is rude eg about a lift, withdraw the lift offer.

If she can't be nice about the favours, she doesn't get them. I would not withdraw the phone as it doesn't
relate to the offense but the lift does.

You are teaching her basic manners. In the real world people won't give her what she asks for if she is rude and ungrateful, so model that.

On Friday DS was not ready when it was time to leave for the school/college/work run.
So I left him behind to walk. He was not happy, I was unmoved.
I guarantee he will be ready on Monday

Thank you so much, makes me feel not quite so alone and not such an inadequate parent! Had a really bad day with her Friday eve (row at 11.30 at night) which resulted in me having control of i pad for 24 hours, followed by row Saturday afternoon, I was eventually reduced to tears, she was vile. She doesn't seem to realise what and how she says things and argues until the cows come home. She won't confide anything (but then she is a teenager but then puts stuff on facebook!)She would say black is white if it meant she was in the right and puts herself in the right all the time, even if this means saying black is white and lying! think I must back off and leave her to it, not argue and stick to my guns re consequences. Don't think it helps that she is youngest and last one at home and I would really like a good relationship with her, as I do my other two daughters

I hope I'm not too late to join this thread, but was looking through teen section and found your message.
I'm having similar problems with my ds who like your dd doesn't seem concerned at the impact of his rudeness. ( he's also my youngest) - although my son's anger has now become physical - which is another problem altogether.
I totality understand your comment about taking the long way home , which is SO sad.
I too do the taking away ipad etc, and it does feel draconian (I would confiscate my dh phone if HE was rude to me lol) but it's difficult to know quite what to do when he shows no remorse.
So I can't offer any advice but I'd like to send you a compassionate hugs

I'm a bit wary that any advice might sound unrealistic, patronising or stating the bleeding obvious, so apologies in advance! Also, I know you didn't specifically mention all the things below, but it's a bit of a thought dump. Mine are 15 (dd) and 17 (ds)

First off, I pick my battles. For example, tidying rooms is way down the list of priorities. I just shut the door on the mess and wait until they really want me to do something for them, in which case I might suggest they sort their rooms first. That gets surprising results.

Second, you sound a bit scared of her - is she in charge? I know she was feeling unwell, but if either of mine were rude to me in that way I wouldn't be taking them tea or making their packed lunches - at least, not without lightly suggesting a change of tone from them first.

For general chores, I write a list and they pick which ones they're prepared they want to do. They tend to sign up pretty quick, as their sibling will nick it otherwise.

Re: rudeness - it's a bit more difficult to tackle this one if you've sleep-walked into a general sloppiness in tone. I've never tolerated rudeness, right from scratch - can't bear it - so now, if one of them slips, then a raised eyebrow is enough for them to reverse. Or I might say "shall we try that one again?" Or, "Yes, coz that's a great way to persuade me, isn't it?" But I do understand that that would have no effect on a teen who might be used to stamping her feet and getting away with it.

Finally, I really try not to get wound up by them. Stropping back is counter-productive. I strive for detached amusement, just like when they were toddlers, then love-bomb them, and listen to their grievances, when they're being nice again.

I hope this doesn't sound too preachy but I think some teens struggle with growing up and are unable to handle all the expectations and responsibilities they face and their frustration manifests in unacceptable behaviour. I have always believed that the teenage years can demand as much effort from the parents as the toddler years, which means imposing consistent behavioural boundaries, giving them a lot of emotional support, spending lots of one to one time listening and reassuring them and calming them down, being firm but also fair minded, kind and forgiving and trying to stay calm oneself even though it is emotionally draining, etc. All kids are different and some teens do not need the extra support, but a lot do and just like a toddler if they don't get the extra support and attention everything can unravel very quickly.