DD, 14 possessive of me!

[thelongestday]

My DD is nearly 15, we've had a rough time over the past 3 years.

It's a long backstory but to be brief my DF died 21 months ago. We left my STBXH just after, his drinking became out of control and he was EA.

Then last December her father decided he wanted nothing more to do with her, he has a new girlfriend and a teen DD no longer fitted with his new life, I have tried everything to get him to see her but he won't and she no longer wants to. I split from him when she was 6 and they had maintained very frequent contact until last summer when he started to mess her around.

She has lost all of her father figures within two years.
She refused counselling until recently so now I've arranged for her to go on the school counsellor waiting list.
I do understand all of this up to a point.

In May I met a new man, he's kind, there is nothing much not to like about him but DD hates him with a passion.
She says she doesn't want me to have a boyfriend or even go out, when I try to she goes from being her usual fairly nice self to the child from hell.
There are lots of incidents but she is being absolutely horrible, calling me all sorts of names ie 'slut' and 'slapper'. I am neither.
Pushing me around and trying to physically prevent me from leaving the house.
Ringing my family to tell them I am neglecting her (she is so far from neglected).
She is usually lovely and never in trouble at school, teachers and students like her. They wouldn't recognise her.
If she answers the phone to him she says horrible things to him.
If I go out, even for a couple of hours she rings or texts with some kind of 'emergency' to get me to come home.
It doesn't matter if she is busy with friends herself, she still causes problems.

For my boyfriend's part he likes me and wants us to be together, he is patient and kind with her even when she is horrible. She's not putting him off so far.

I have been patient and understanding but not being able to go out even just to see friends is driving me to distraction.

Help!

Poor you! Poor her! After a traumatic 3 years, she obviously sees you as the only constant in her life (as your title suggests). Her behaviour is unacceptable, although the reasons for it are understandable. You need to talk to her, obviously. Give her the opportunity to say how she's feeling. Outline to her the fact that before long she will be developing her own social life and leaving her Mum from time to time. Point out that you're only xx years old and cannot reasonably be expected to become a hermit - a happy social life makes a happy mother. Reiterate how you will always be around when she needs you (and even when she doesn't) and won't let anyone else take precedence - you two have been a team through hard times and will continue to be so in the future.

Your new man will have to be incredibly patient with the situation, but quite honestly if he performs well in regard to your daughter's current attitude and can take your relationship as slowly as you deem necessary he could be proving himself to be a keeper.

I wish you and your daughter well for the future.

Thank you for your replies.
I agree absolutely with both of you!

She is jealous, to add to her jealousy she is bright and mature and by her own admission often thinks other teenagers are frivolous.
So although she is popular she doesn't often go out with her wider group of friends because she doesn't want to do the usual teenage things.
As a result, she can be jealous when I'm having fun.
It has been a very tough time for both of us and aside from this recent trouble she is such a lovely and emotionally intelligent person, I just want her to be happy.

Apologies for the gushing about her there.

I talked to her today about her problems with my boyfriend, amongst other concerns she says she doesn't want me to be hurt again.
We discussed the fact that she & I are both happy when the other is happy and that her nastiness is making me miserable, she took it on board and has been much more civil, verging on pleasant to him this evening.
It's a good start.

She also misses her stepfather (my STBXH) she knows he drank too much and was EA but she has blocked that out and only remembers the good times.
We talked about some of the bad and as she began to remember she was upset but did feel better that we had left.

Thank you again, if you have anything to add then please do, your support is appreciated. I know sorting this will take time.

Little more to add except it sounds as though your conversation was a good start - and you weren't gushing! After I'd posted above I was pondering that the past 3 unhappy years represent a larger percentage of her life than of yours (IYSWIM), which is worth bearing in mind.