How do I stop being "shouty mum" ?

[MadeOfStarDust]

My new teen DD has started what appears to be a tantrum phase...

she will not pause for breath to even listen to anyone, so I have a tendency to get louder and louder to try to stop her working herself up into a right old state...

it is happening once or twice a week now, and I'm just feeling a bit shitty about it all - I love her dearly -and tell her so, but feel that all the important stuff of life is getting lost in the shouting....

I've tried waiting for her to stop, she ends up just accusing me of not caring (at the top of her voice) - then the subject of the rest of the tantrum becomes me not caring - when I do care desperately about her.....

I just feel so bad for her, teenage tantrums stink, if I feel this bad, she must be feeling awful, I just need some reassurance it is not just us I guess, and any advice on how to get through this!

I've ben there and come out the other side! There is nothing you can do mid tantrum, apart from saying ' you sound very cross/angry/upset about this. You know that I love you very much. Let's talk bout it when you want to/feel better/calmer.'......Try not to shout at her - even tho you will want to strangle her sometimes!! Deep breaths - and remember you are probably the person she feels safest with as she know that you won't abandon her or hate her - so she says all these hurtful things! It will pass I promise you. Try and see beyond the tantrums and remember the little girl that she is....and DO NOT TAKE ANY OF HER INSULTS/VITRIOL PERSONALLY!! Otherwise you will get into a horrible cycle of insult/reply/more hurtful stuff. And keep the hugs going - they really matter even if she resists a bit! And a kiss goodnight when she is in bed - and again telling her you love her. Good luck and keep us posted!! Maeve xx

Probably best to leave the room when she starts so you won't become angry and get drawn in. If she follows you - a common tactic for angry teens - tell her that you can't engage with her while she's behaving like that and she'll have to go to her room until she can speak to you properly. If she won't go then keep removing yourself elsewhere until she gives up.

During the calmer times, like mabeg3 says, take the chance to give her hugs and reassurance that you love and accept her.

In case you haven't already heard of it there's a great book on coping with teen behaviour, very clear advice on why teens behave as they do and how to deal with it without shouting etc

I find leaving the room helps, and saying that I'll take to her when she's stopped shouting.

I used to shout back, and then worried about the neighbours

so leaving her alone and basically ignoring her for a while helps calm her down a bit.
And yes, hugs, kisses when she has apologised and in a better frame of mind.

Mine has just called dh a fucking cunt, so I feel your pain.

Thanks.... will take a look at some books..... We do lots of cuddles and reassurance in the calm times.... she was lovely yesterday after an hour and a half of tantruming and "you don't care" the night before - it is just so draining...

especially knowing that with 18months between my 2 girls, we have a lot more to come.... (probably whilst I go through the menopause at the same time!! - hubby is buying a shed)

I started going out for a drive and a calm down break when I went through similar. You can't get through to someone when they are in that state anyway so it just gets worse if you get pulled into it. It helped me to remember what it was like when they were two. best to try and ignore rather than giving them attention which shouting and showing them they gave got to you would do. Have your rules and boundaries and remind them often !!!