first time on mumsnet - caught 14 yr old DD smoking last night - really need some advice on what to do please help!!!

[salpal1976]

Hello everyone - I am in a state of shock and desperatly need some advice from other parents as i dont know many and feel very isolated right now , My 14 year old dd who I thought was extremely sensible, sporty etc and would never smoke because I have been struggling to give up on and off for a long time was smoking in her bedroom last night and I caught her at it - this is a massive shock to me as I never thought she would do this, other things possibly but not this. I am a single parent and I also realise that this partly my fault for having smoked myself (never in the house by the way not that this makes things any better). Any advice would be much appreciated, obviously i realise that the first step is for me to give up which i am doing as of today. thnak you

It's a horrible feeling, isn't it? When I discovered my 14yo DS had been smoking and stealing my tobacco (I thought I was getting through a lot of it), I felt like his dealer. :( I gave up straight away, but he kept smoking... Four years on, I haven't smoked since, but he's hooked.

That's not very comforting, sorry. But the thing is, they make their own choices by this age. You can help by offering her incentives never to smoke again, and by making sure she knows you have given up, and why. I hope she makes the right choice too.

don't panic there isn't much you can do as she and she alone will decide if to continue smoking or stop.

Good for you for stopping - don't be tempted to get her to quit with you as it doesn't work. Concentrate stopping yourself and tell your dd she is not permitted to smoke in the house or around the house or in sight of you.

At least this sends a big message that you don't approve and hope she will come to her senses.

What sport does she do? Would any of her coaches have a word - would she listen to them?

My oldest started at 11 and I would ground her and lecured and took away priveleges. I'm a smoker too and started at 10 but I still punished her everytime I caught her smoking. When she got to be 13 I finally just gave in and knew that she was going to smoke whether I liked it or not. But since I've allowed her to smoke our relationship has changed and the fighting and arguing has stopped. I don't like that she smokes but there are worse things in the world and hopefully one day we will both quit together.

Perhaps calmy ask her why she smokes? Not in a challenging way, but you are just interested. This will help you to know what you are dealing with. Is it to be cool, calm nerves, keep weight down, or does she just like the smell/taste? Ask her does she know the health risks. Not in a lecturing way, you just want to check she is fully aware of the effects of her choice.

I think you should be open and honest with her about how you wish she didn't smoke, how you are trying to give up and that whilst you don't want to have arguments about it, you will help if she decides to quit. Perhaps even try to quit together.

I've never smoked but the one thing I learned from having friends and ex p that smoked is that they will only quit when they have a personal trigger that strikes a chord with them. A friend quit age 50 after getting out of breath om the dance floor. She went to quit classes and did stop. She brought all the leaflets etc home to family members who smoked, but they weren't even phased by the ones detailing all the chemicals in cigs, such as the same as found in nail polish remover. Then one day her son jogged to the shop and said his lungs felt like they were struggling. He had smoked for 18 years and had an addictive personality but cut back and after day 3 went cold turkey and never smoked again (was 10 years ago).

Good luck to both of you.