OMG - I need help

[assumpta]

I will try to keep short and summarise. About mid July my dd1 age 16 found a hand written note in dd 2 bedroom 13.5years. Dd2 proceeded to rip it up and put it in her bin, I stuck it back together when she was at school and I literally felt sick. It was a paragraph of filth, explicit descriptions of what she would do with a boy. We asked her about it and took her phone to check it. Her BBM's were full of filthy conversations with boys, none of who she actually knows face to face. She denied everything, said she had been forced into doing it etc., yet would not give any details, would not talk or look at us etc., etc., we found photos and videos on her phone of teenage boys. We found that she had been doing stuff throu Skype. She was chasing them as well as them contacting her. We removed pone, laptop, etc etc., talked till we were blue in the face. Said she could talk to us openly, we never shouted, ranted or raved. She had a 'boyfriend' that she used to meet locally, but he went to school miles away. There was never anything bad from him. I checked all communication. I was broken hearted and explained this. She promised never again. We took the softly, softly, caring, we love you and want to keep ou safe route. She said we could trust her, so we did. She had done it again and I discovered it on wednesday morning. We haven't gone softly this time, and said that we will not tolerate this disgusting behaviour. I feel so, betrayed, tricked and stupid.

I have been reading up. I know her horomones are raging. Could she have a bad horomones balance, maybe too much testosterone? She is tall, and skinny, but very strong. She does have quite a lot of body hair, it thought this may be hereditary as my dh is quite hairy. Any advice?

I need to go to get dd1 now, but will be back to check here in an hour or so. I hope some one can advise me. Please.

Paper - I found the thread you were talking about - how sick!

Cjel - it does seem that it was her that suggestion it from the gist of the texts.

The bottom line is; we want her to stop doing it herself because she realises that it is not safe, not just because we are telling her to stop.

She needs a sharp blast of realisation and fast!, but I don't know where to find it or what to say to send it home to her once and for all.

I don't really know where to get the support you want I'm afraid and understand your need for it to be sorted immediately its a nightmare for you. I keep thinking for some reason that it might be best to treat it as a case of her being abused, I know it seems as if she is the instigator but its hard to believe and I think its the same as people who get sucked into cults, they need very careful help to get away as they are so brainwashed. Does any of that make any sense to you?

There are any number of girls, sadly who have committed suicide after being humiliated after intimate texts have been sent round the school/community/family. It should not be difficult to find a suitable example.

Would it help to get - or threaten to get - the school involved?

These days, most schools clamp down very heavily on this type of thing. They are all aware of the risks and have lots of experience of educating pupils about them. GPs, social services etc should all be more keen to take action if they feel your dd is being exploited/is at risk in some way, esp after recent stories on the news.

It was just texts no pictures with my dd, and just the one evening, and less 'graphic' than your situation, I think. But still horrible - you don't expect your own sweet dd to have this horrible combination of adult knowledge and childlike stupidity... :(

Your dd is not the only one, sign of the times I think. And at least she knew not to put pictures - so she has grasped something.

In my dd's case, the fact it was BBM made her think it was a 'private conversation' so to her mind different to posting stuff in a public place like a facebook status update, say. Which is a misunderstanding of the nature of public and private, and of the differences between real life conversation which is ephemeral and texts, which may be kept.

I am wondering if your dd thought similar, and so actually thought she was obeying you to a degree and being 'safer' by just talking and not texting the second time??

By the way, one thing I did after confiscating the phone was send a brief message to the lad concerned saying that the phone was confiscated. It all went v quiet then... presumably terrified I'd tell his mum (whose number I have).

If you haven't already, I'd save the numbers and names of the lads involved in case of further contact, and text them from her phone to say the phone is confiscated. That should stop them- I figured they wouldn't know if it was the mum/dad/teacher etc who'd got the phone, but weren't going to get in any further conversations to find out...

I made it clear to my dd I had no problems with her being friends with boys or her fancying them or vice versa and she was welcome to invite any boys she liked round to ours, so I could meet them too. But that sexual discussions belonged in the context of a relationship, and that inappropriately sexual conversation in say the workplace would get you sacked for sexual harassment. It's just about understanding norms, and risks. A steep learning curve.

I tried to explain that flirting is more about a look out of the corner of your eye, suddenly blushing, laughing at his jokes etc - not a graphic sexual comment! And that rather than coming across as flirtatious and 'cool', those sorts of comments would make you come across as really, really desperate and frankly a bit unhinged.

That's what Rihanna etc on prime time kids' shows does - kids aren't sophisticated enough consumers to see where to draw the line.

That said, if you are worried your dd is being groomed in some way, then clearly keep her movements/contacts limited for a good long time, until you're sure she's got the message.

You're right that she needs to internalise what you're saying, but disagree that a short, sharp shock is the best or only way to achieve that - expect to need to keep reinforcing the message over a period of weeks or months until your norms have gradually become her norms.

Which will be a drag for both of you but is essential for you to be able to trust her again.

Cjel - that does make sense to me, thank you, I had not looked at it like that. Mainly because we have always been open about being careful with stuff like this, but I guess it wasn't enough. We are open with the girls, but not overly so, but have always said they can come to us with anything. We do realise it is embarrassing, but the reality is that in real life she is afraid of even leaving her top window ajar in the heat of a summer night in case something gets her! I just can't figure!

Bread - I think you are right, she probably did think it was 'safer' to talk rather than text, as with her talking, there is no hard evidence. should I explain that this is not the case, that we understand that she is curious about sex, but that there are safe ways to go about it. But what do I suggest to her in the meantime. Please come and be my permanent advisor, you all talk so clearly, while I am in a muddle.

We have been in your muddle too we have the luxury of being detached at the moment!!
I think it may be best to think of this as more long term - there is not a short sharp answer.
The fear of keeping the window open is not related in her mind. she has made 'friends' with these people and doesn't see them as a threat, they probably have had a good moan about how awful parents are to her so she will already be confused about who is 'safe' you or them.
It will pass but unfortunately not quickly enough!!
I think confiscating the phone and telling the boys you have phone(after taking their numbers) is a great idea. They won't want to be caught either - if they are genuine they will be embarrassed and if they are something more sinister they will have a lot to lose tooxx

With one of them the first time, we said from her phone as if it was from her that she didn't want contact any more. To be honest we were afraid that if we said her phone was confiscated it would seem that she was more than willing to continue but for the fact she was told to stop. We have kept any numbers that we can, in case we need them. I feel like a detective, amongst other things, with all that is going on!

Cjel - did your dd go through something similar, and did you text the boys concerned? I hope ou don't mind me asking.

No worries ask away. No I'm afraid she is 30 so there wasn't this problem then, just early teenage pregnancy, running away 'bad crowd' stuff with her!! as I say happily married 30 yr old now with 2 dcs of her own. we did challenge the people when we needed to though and let them know we didn't approve. Didn't always get it right though