At the end of my rope...

[woollyideas]

Have name-changed, as don't want to out myself.

I cannot bear the tension in my house any more. My DD, almost 17 yo, seems to have three default settings: misery, anger, spite.

I'm off work now for a couple of weeks. Today I've been told to fuck off twice and she's had a monumental meltdown because I asked her to take out the recycling.

She has told me she doesn't want to go to college as 'everything is too much effort'. She is very bright, but puts no effort into school work and is likely to do a lot worse in her GCSEs than she's capable of.

I am seriously wondering if she's depressed, because her mood is so awful all the time. She seems happy enough when she's with her friends, but most of them are on holiday at the moment, so she's just lying around feeling sorry for herself. If I try to talk to her, she snaps at me.

I've been a single parent for 15 years with no input whatsoever from her father, who lives in another country. He hasn't seen her for 7 years, although he phones her every few weeks to say how much he loves her. I am fairly sure this contributes to her anger, but it's impossible to talk to her about any of this.

I've talked to her about going for counselling, but there's a waiting list of several months.

it is possible that she is depressed - but if she is happy with her friends it may not be the whole explanation.

Was she always this nasty? Is there any opportunity for reasonable conversation, explaining that she needs to make attempts to behave like a reasonable human being? Anything wrong at school? (bullying?) Online bullying? What happens if you cut off the entitlements and leave her just the 'rights' (food, shelter, required clothing, education and respect if she gives it back)

trying to be charitable here and wishing you luck.

wooly, it's normal or at least common for angry, unhappy teenagers, IME. It was certainly how my now-18yo was at 15-17, and this board is full of parents experiencing similar things.

There are some basic survival tactics:

• Detach. Learn not to take comments personally. It isn't personal, it's biological: many teens seem to need to go through a phase of being foul as part of their process of emotional separation, perhaps to convince themselves that you are so horrible that their only option is to leave home!

(I have sometimes thought that children who feel especially close to their parents have to 'work harder' to break the bond. Single children of single parents - like your DD - fit this theory...)

• Challenge bad behaviour and keep giving 'moral messages', but don't expect to be able to stop what you don't like or 'make' her do what you want. This is the age she has to learn to make herself behave decently.

• Don't sweat the small stuff. If things are really bad, work out your 'bottom line' - the things you really must insist on or cannot tolerate - and ignore everything else.

• Look after yourself. Do nice, fun things that are good for you and that you enjoy. This helps 'balance out' some of the horrible stuff, but also gives an important message: it shows her that you're worth looking after and respecting. :)

I think a lot of us single parents spend so long focussing on our children's needs that we forget our own, and unintentionally give our kids the impression that we don't have any needs or rights.

Hang on in there. It does get better!

Thanks, flow, for your understanding post. I've made myself scarce over the past two days, doing stuff outside the house (nice stuff for me!) and have returned to a changed DD, who has actually apologised to me.

I think you're right about the detachment/single parent stuff, too.

I'm sure this state of calm won't last, but am making the most of it while it does!

Thanks for the supportive message - it helped!

Good, I'm glad! :)

Good morning Wooly - just sending some positive vibes, I hope today goes well for you :)

Thanks for the vibes, Chottie. It's a rollercoaster. Lovely one minute, vile the next... Am hoping that tomorrow's GCSE results might calm things down.

How were the results, woolly? However things turned out, hope you and DD can enjoy the rest of the holidays and that DD is able to build, positively, on her exams and courses.

I know what you mean about rollercoasters - I think that's the same for many of us on this teenage forum! As Flow says, the last thing you should do is take any of it personally. It's taken me long enough but I get real strength now from not doing so.

Thanks for staying with this thread. DD's exam results were okay, insofar as they're good enough to get her into college for A levels, but when I know she was predicted A or A* in everything a couple of years back, then they don't look so good. I am focussing on the positive (she can do her A Levels) and not dwelling on the fact that she could have got straight A's if she'd done even the smallest amount of work at school/done her homework/revised. (She was G&T in several subjects, but that's all gone by the board in the last 2 years.)

Anyway, I have a bigger concern now. She has just shown me her arm, which is covered in scratches from wrist to elbow. They are not deep, but she's told me she did it herself with a Stanley knife and has been cutting herself for a few weeks now. There was a self-harming epidemic amongst the girls at her school a few years ago, but I thought that was all in the past... The 'cuts' look quite superficial, but still the thought that she's been sitting in her bedroom taking a knife to her arm is beyond worrying. And the thought that I've been just a couple of rooms away while she did it makes me feel terrible. She's just told me that she 'feels better now' and that she feels like she won't do it again. I don't know why she suddenly decided to show/tell me.

She is on a waiting list for counselling. I will call the GP on Tuesday when they open and see if he has any advice for the meantime, while we wait. I am loathe to suggest anti-depressants, but maybe they'll help her. Does anyone have any experience of teens medicating for depression? Has it helped? I really need to do whatever it takes to help her.

I am sorry, woolly - you must be very worried indeed. Don't beat yourself up about the fact that you were in a nearby room - you clearly weren't to know -

I hope DD gets the help she needs very soon. I think you're wise to be wary of anti-depressants at this stage. You could, though, take this to the general or mental health threads for thoughts about this specifically.

It may well be that DD won't cut herself again. And it's very positive that she decided to tell and show you.

Another positive - your DD did well in her exams. Please don't dwell too much on the fact that she could have got As and A*s. A lot can happen between the time predictions are made and the time the kids take the exams. (Know that only too well - DSs - long story.) But she's through and if she can think positive, not only about her work but about herself in general, the next couple of A level years could be very good.

Thanks, Isabel. All these kind words are helping. It really is like being on a seesaw: one good day and then one bad day. Good news is that the counselling service has come up trumps and she has her first session next Tuesday evening. Haven't gone down the GP/antidepressant route yet, although haven't ruled it out for the future.

I really hope she starts to see college as a positive step. At the moment she talks about it as something that has to be endured and is worried she won't know anyone, as it's outside our local area. Underneath all the swagger and gobbiness I think she's quite shy and worried about making new friends.

She's handed over the stanley knife blade that she was using to cut herself, so I hope there isn't another one in her bedroom.

It is good to share these experiences - most of my friends seem to have model teenagers who never put a foot wrong and who look appalled at my DD's behaviour.

Keep hanging on there. And please do not compare your DD to your friends kids - if they look appalled that is their problem...keep your head up and keep your eye on the horizon - your daughter will get better and the counselling should help. Main thing is not to panic about the self harming, difficult as that sounds. Good luck and I'll keep following the thread. M x

Thanks, mabeg. Well, she starts college tomorrow and is being very, very negative, especially as most of her friends are going to different colleges and won't start for another 10 days or so! ("Why do I have to go, when they don't?" - AArgh!) I've got my fingers crossed that she has some enthusiastic teachers who really inspire her! Also, the counselling will hopefully make a difference eventually.

Just a thought, but have you noticed these 'witch moments' might be cyclical and linked to her menstual cycle? My daughter (now 20) had actually been warned at work about her attitude, and your description of your DD's three setting sounds spookily familiar! I suffer from PMS really badly and it occurred to me she could be showing similar mood settings...My GP (gawd luv her) suggested magnesium supplements, I take one 'magnesium ok' per day, and within two weeks was changed woman. Suggested DD might like to try them, and she has had a similar transformation, not a very big sample to base advice on I know, but it really has made a huge difference to us both, ? worth a try.

We all met up for a weeks hols in July, and DD seemed to be back to her mean girl best... Totally horrid and actually almost made me cry at one point. Turned out she had run out of tablets!!! I couldn't get to Boots quickly enough!!!

What a brilliant tip shobby !

meh, I can't help thinking you could be setting some boundaries with your daughter. (I'm not ignorant about this stuff btw, had my fair share of horrors with teenage dd's, shall we say ) I let my boy (had it with the boys too!) abuse me for 2 years. I don't know what was the matter with me, or why I put up with it. he was bereaved (his father died) so I think I put it down to that. But it's no excuse, regardless what is going on. In fact, I think to set boundaries is actually doing them a favour. So, she can't tell you to fuck off and have a meltdown about the recycling... because you won't let her. Flag it up in a calm moment and enforce it when the time comes. You'll have to tweek it but it's at least a good thing to introduce. Don't shout, don't be emotional at all: calm and deadly : not nice/not nasty.

I think they hurt us so much that we lose the power to stand up to them the little despots . we so easily think it must be something going on with them or they wouldn't behave like this, but I think they do it because they can, and they enjoy kicking the cat (us). we wouldn't put up with it from a random stranger, why do we put up with it from our kids? We think they're poor lambs who are disturbed about something. Not necessarily at all imo.

Well said springtufty. My dd, aged 20, was appallingly rude to me yesterday when i suggested that she pop her bag over her shoulder so she wouldn't be prey to pick pockets...I told her that she was not to speak to me so disrespectfully and i walked away. I would never have spoken to my mother or another adult that way.....we just need to be firm and set the expectation that our children to speak to us with respect and basic manners......not much to ask eh?!

Thanks, Shobby, I will try that. She went on the pill about a month ago in the hope that it would regularise her periods and perhaps put a stop to the wild mood swings, but can't say I've noticed positive effects yet. I will try the magnesium; it has great online reviews.

Not sure why springy and mabeg have assumed I don't set boundaries.

I think someone who self-harms is 'disturbed about something'. I don't think she's hurting herself (and, by extension, me) 'because she can'.

Hiya, I didn't assume that you didn't set boundaries - apols if I wasn't clear. Even with firm boundaries, kids still kick off! It's a bloody emotional minefield because we love them, even tho we hate the behaviour!

Thanks for the clarification, mabeg. She gets plenty of boundaries and I can assure you I don't reward screaming and cussing!