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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Son has brought friend home ( says she has nowhere to live)

15 replies

Shreksfiona · 16/08/2013 20:21

My son is putting pressure on me to let one of his friends come live with us.
I let her stay for a night to let things calm down between her and her mother, that was 4 days ago and basically her mother has said she does not want her back there.

This girl is 16, my question is does her mother still have a legal responsibility till she is 18.

I told my son that it is not all that simple, just letting her move her stuff in

Any advice would be appreciated Tia x

OP posts:
insanityscratching · 16/08/2013 20:27

Dd's friend was in the same position I spoke to school and children's services the mother wasn't obliged to house her daughter and children's services wouldn't offer any support. The girl sofa surfed until she was 18 and took on a private rented property Sad

WeAreEternal · 16/08/2013 20:28

Have you spoken to her mum?

If it is the case that he mum has thrown her out you should get her to go to the council and explain that she has been thrown out, i would go with her if you can, they will be able to help find her somewhere to stay.

Original poster
Shreksfiona · 16/08/2013 20:33

Thx for the replies.

No I haven't spoken to her mum as I have never met her, I asked her to let her mum know where she was staying...tbh I thought she would be back home by now after everything cooled down.
I actually would like to speak to her mum as the girl is living out of a carrier bag

OP posts:
Bronx · 16/08/2013 20:37

Talk to her mum!
Maybe between you both you can get the girl happily back home. If not, then it's time for Wine.
Somehow I doubt her mother has just thrown her out on her ear and told her not to come back home though.

Rummikub · 16/08/2013 20:41

The girl needs to go to benefits agency and she can claim income support plus she can get her child benefit paid to her. The benefits agency will contact the girl's mum and ask if she can come back before benefits will be paid. She can remain in full time education too if she wishes. Depending where you are there might be supported accommodation schemes available to her, depending on circumstances.

givemeaboost · 16/08/2013 20:41

I would think best option is trying to talk with the mother to see what exactly is going on, if she refuses to take her back I would suggest accompanying her to the council office and telling them she has been chucked out and can they find her b and b accommodation as you cannot house her for more than another few days.

insanityscratching · 16/08/2013 20:45

Eternal our local council would only give a list of hostels that they admitted were no place for a teenage girl. Sixteen is really no man's land for services too young for adult services and too old for children's services.
Bronx dd's friend's mum did throw her out on her ear and wouldn't have her back so it does happen. I wouldn't have believed it myself had I not seen it for with my own eyes tbh.

Rummikub · 16/08/2013 20:49

It does happen, all too frequently. Sometimes you end up in ridiculous situations where the parent says the child can come only to be chucked out again. If you feel you can go with the girl to benefits agency to start the process. I agree that a hostel isn't a great place or a 16 year old. Is there a grandparent or aunt?

loflo · 16/08/2013 20:59

I'm in Scotland and if a young person 16-18 presents themselves to the local authority as homeless they have a duty to provide accommodation. It's not always ideal however. Also if going home is def not an option she needs to get in touch with her local job centre ASAP.

dementedma · 16/08/2013 21:01

Hmmmm, we gave a temporary home to one of dds friends when she had "run away". I insisted she let her mother know she was safe or I would take her back. If she let her mother know, she could stay. After a few weeks breathing space, she went home.
Equally, dd2 was housed by her best friends family after a huge row with dh. Same applied. They all need a bit of space somewhere else from time to time

Bluestocking · 16/08/2013 21:05

My dad "threw me out" when I was 16 - that is, we had a huge row, he told me to leave the house, and I stormed off and spent the night at a friend's. I was home the next day. Sometimes people just need to cool off well away from each other. Can't you give her a bed for one night and see if you can find out tomorrow what's actually going on?

WeAreEternal · 16/08/2013 22:53

My point is without speaking to the mum Shrek doesn't know if the girl has actually been thrown out of home or if she has just had a row and stormed out, and is just saying that she isn't welcome back.

I knew several teens who said they had been told to leave when actually they just didn't want to go home.

But I did know a boy (a friend of my brothers) who after yet another fight with his mums boyfriend was forced to pack a bag and leave. He was 15 at the time (and his mum never spoke to him again). Because he was two months from his birthday social services refused to help him so the council found him somewhere to live.

In our area the council have accommodation for 16-19 year olds. In most of the towns in the area they have a couple of large building that have been decided up into a lot of specially designed bedsit type rooms.
Each room has its own shower/WC, a small kitchen,, a single bed, a small sofa and a small dining table and two chairs, they are basically like tiny little single person flats.
Each building also had a communal kitchen and lounge, and there is a 24/7 staff on site with security. The staff help the young people claim benefits, find work or study, they offer support and help for the teens.
They also have social workers and MHCPs that come in to offer support to the teens.

The boy I know went to live in one of these places and did really well for himself, he is in is 30's now with a good job and a family.

I think what they do is fantasic and I volunteer for them (I'm a MHCP) and go and try to help out the teens there once a week.

It's such a great scheme I assumed they had it everywhere, what a shame that they don't.

flow4 · 17/08/2013 09:34

You really do need to speak to her mum. There's a distinct possibility that she hasn't actually been thrown out, since you only have her word in that... And it's quite possible her mum is beside herself with worry because she doesn't know her daughter is safe; or if she does know, she may be furious with you for 'keeping' her daughter away, or alternatively, maybe even relieved that you've offered her troublesome DD a new home! So many possible scenarios, and you have no idea which one you're actually in...

If she has actually been thrown out, be warned the support available to her may be very limited. Social services will not be interested. The council has a duty to accommodate her til she's 18, but in our area that means B&B. If she doesn't like the sound/feel of that, she will end up sofa surfing.

You may find yourself under pressure to offer her a home, if relationships at home really have broken down. Make sure you don't just slip into this by accident, but offer consciously or not at all. Remember that if she has been thrown out, there are probably reasons, and maybe very good ones, like drug use or crime. That's another reason for talking to her mum ASAP...

Original poster
Shreksfiona · 18/08/2013 11:43

Thank you everyone for your advice, she has now gone to her elder sisters to stay, apparently the mother does not want to speak to me or her daughter(so I am told).

I have offered my support if she needs someone to go with to know what help is available but just have had no response back.

I am happy that I helped her in the first few days and gave her my sofa, but I feel that was as much as I could do without over stepping the mark iykwim.

I really thought that her mother may have taken her back home now after the dust has settled, I hope they resolve it whatever it was in time xx

OP posts:
AAAndy · 21/08/2013 11:08

I had few friends who sofa surfed at my house when I was a boy, we ended up taking in a few strays, my sister had a penchant for making friends with the wrong kind of people.

Regardless we always gave them somewhere to stay until they moved on to safer climes.

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