Help. D15 abusive to DW.

[ffinybryn]

Firstly, thank you for being here. I am a father of 2 and have nowhere else to turn...

Our daughter has become increasingly physically abusive (and reclusive) over the last 2 years. I work away from home and often get calls from my wife in tears as she has been assaulted by a taller and stronger teenager.
We have gradually taken away her phone and Internet access (she was regularly using Ask.fm). She is possessive of our 2 dogs and will not let our other daughter (17) near them. (Although the 2nd one was bought to have "one each").
I have read in other threads that the police should be called. What can they do? Has anyone had any experience of this?
I have tried contacting the County Councils Childrens Services dept, but they won't intervene unless "the child" is being abused! If things continue as they are, the child will be homeless on her 18th birthday and then she will be the councils problem.
My wife and other daughter are trapped in their rooms all day to keep out of her way. This is not natural. She will not answer to calls for discussion and hides when confronted.
Things calm down (slightly) at the weekends when I am at home as I am seen as a "threat" to her (although I do not hit her, I use my extensive life experience to run rings around her logic).
Things tend to get worse during the "month" and she has had a few absence seizures in the past.
Ideally, she needs councilling but no-one will listen. Any help/advice would be gratefully received.

Get a mental health assessment done asap even if you have to pay for it yourself.

If it will cost you money you think you don't have, look carefully to see where you can all cut corners, and do this as a matter of urgency. Don't get on a waiting list.

Something is badly wrong.

GP needs to refer her to CAHMS and or for educational psych assessment.

You need to ask yourself some not nice questions:

Could she be taking drugs?
Could she be being abused herself?
Could she have undisguised SN?

Has she always been this way or was she a model child who turned nightmarish in teens?

Some teenage girls get PMT from hell. Is there any pattern to the behaviour or is it constantly bad?

*undiagnosed

I'd call the police.

1. She is guilty of assault and by not reporting this to the police you are allowing her to carry on bullying your wife and other daughter. She is doing this with no consequence and unless there are some consequences which are equal to her actions she will carry on.

1. By reporting it, it could be your easiest way to access the help she needs.

1. Bullies will often alienate themselves from the rest of the family (its hard to be threatening and then act all normally) so I would not automatically think this is a mental health problem.

Thank you very much for the responses.

D is not self-harming although we believe that she is randomly taking medication from around the house including DWs prescription medicines.

Since posting, I have been in contact with an independant counsellor who has also recommended reporting all incidents to the police (to provide a history) and on the basis that it is a criminal offence.

It has been agreed that I will confront D and tell her that she must see a counsellor, either at neutral ground or at home (£55/hr) or propose her own solution. Although this is not cheap, the councellor is also a local education rep and has experience of adolescents. Cost is no obstacle to get this issue resolved quickly.

It appears that much of the anger is probably directed indirectly at me. I am seen as the one withholding privileges whilst rewarding her sister. But this is a catch-22 situation that is escalating. I cannot reward aggressive behaviour and must praise good work at school.

Thanks again and I will keep you updated...

I agree with madame 100%.

I second calling the police. It is a very difficult thing to do, but really you have no other option, except to throw her out. She isn't controlling herself, your wife can't control her, so someone needs to call for outside help. Your wife has a right to be safe in her own home. But this is in your daughter's best interest too: it is bad for her emotionally to 'get away with' hurting her own mother, and she needs help to stop. It will also, obviously, be bad for her and others if she learns to abuse people, and ends up without friends and relationships, or hurting someone badly...

You ask what will happen if you call the police. That depends partly on how old she is, and how badly she has hurt your wife. If you do not call them until she has done serious harm, and she is older than about 15, then it will be taken out of your hands and they will prosecute. If you call them sooner, they will come, listen to your wife, and warn your daughter, but they will not arrest her unless your wife asks them to. My own experience was that they advised me to press charges on the third occasion.

Afterwards, she will be very angry. My own son kept saying things like "I can't believe you called the police on your own son", and I had to say things like "I can't believe you behaved so badly I had to".

I know half a dozen parents who have done this, and in all cases, it has only taken 1-3 calls before their teens started controlling themselves and stopped being violent.

I agree with others that it sounds like your DD needs counselling/psychological help. But this will take time, and meanwhile your wife needs practical help and protection. Even if there is a 'reason' for why your DD is behaving like this, she still needs stopping, until the time she can stop herself.

Good luck.

Seconding what flow said about stopping this being for your dd's good as much as anything else. Violence hurts everybody who is involved including the perpetrator. Stopping it now gives a clear message that it can be stopped, that this is not how the rest of her life needs to be.

You are right to get her to see a counsellor. I would also suggest that your dw keeps her medication locked up in the future: a mistake can easily happen and have dire consequences. We bought a small safe from Ikea after dd took an overdose.

Wow. Thank you for the support and @flow4 obvious experience in this matter.

I'm hoping that just being able to tell someone (and us) what it is that gets her so angry will help.

I agree that calling the local police (and hopefully resolving the abuse part) is perhaps less drastic than eviction at 18. On one occasion, my wife was being strangled and when she called 999 was told that it was a domestic issue and not an emergency.

@cory we try to hide whatever we can. Also everything that can be "thrown" is put away where possible.

DW is currently drip feeding the councelling proposal...

OP I don't have any direct experience myself but I believe that Maryz's thread about challenging teens is really supportive and helpful for parents in these situations, I'll try and find it and link for you.

here you go

@OTBWAWW Thanks. DW is also following this thread. "Comforting" to know that we are not alone!