DS1 19 won't clear up after himself

[notyesterdaythankyou]

DS1 is 19, works in a well paid job, sporty and has never caused me a bit of trouble......but he drives me mad!

When he cooks his food - he eats loads - he'll leave packaging, plates, oven trays etc on the work surfaces. He won't open the dishwasher and just pop them in. He knows this upsets me and I feel he's being disrespectful to me, leaving me to clear up his mess.

For a while I stopped doing any meals for him and stopped buying him his favourite snacks etc, but it made no difference.

He's such a good lad in other ways, but his constant mess is upsetting me.

I just don't know how to change things.

pick it all up and chuck it on his bed, he will soon get the message

He is being disrespectful to you, nyty, leaving you to clean up his mess. But the thing is, you have done it for 19 years, even though you didn't want to - so you have effectively shown him you don't respect yourself.

I think before you can convince him that you deserve respect and are not his skivvy, you probably need to resolve this firmly in your own head. Then, when you believe it yourself, you can say clearly and confidently to him, "I have decided I've had enough of clearing up after you. It's time you cleared up your own mess. I'll remind you to start with, because I appreciate we've developed some bad habits... But this needs to change, because you're an adult now. So, will you do this?"

It won't happen immediately because he has a lifetime of bad habits to break. I reckon you'll need to think of it as something like potty training - lots of mistakes and encouragement needed! You will need to call him back to clear up dozens of times, and you'll need a whole set of neutral, assertive but not emotionally loaded stock phrases like "Come back and clear up your mess please" and "You need to do it now" and maybe "I know you don't want to do it, but nor do I" or "If you don't clear up your packaging, I'll stop buying packaged food".

If he refuses, or neglects to do it after the first few occasions, I would personally make the consequence very straight-forward: if you are still cooking for him (and it sounds like you are) don't cook his next meal. And next time you go shopping, don't buy the packaged foods that he leaves lying around - so, no pizzas, ready meals and boxes of cereal for a week.

Good luck with it. :)

have you explained in simple teenager-friendly words what you want to do? Keep the sentences short and the words of few syllables, and remind him that if he wants to live like a student, go rent a student house.

good luck.

Why are you still treating him like he's 7? He cleans up after himself or he finds another place to live. One strike, two strikes, third strike and you have a month to find another place to live or I pack up your stuff.

A person who disrespects his parents and their home is not a good lad. He is not stupid. He knows this upsets you and does FA because hey, you'll still skivvy for him.

Stop enabling him. It's not doing him any favours, because most good women out there won't put up with that shit for more than five minutes.

Having the same issue with my 19 year old SS. With us 50%.

Everything just gets left on the side. I lost my cool this evening and told him I was sick of it (he got the hump because his Dad asked him to clear his dishes up, which meant emptying the dishwasher. He stated it wasn't fair because he was off to his girlfriends).

We recently refused to do his washing because it all gets dumped on his floor. He wasted 3 tablets re washing 3 times because he left it to smell in the machine. I had to sort it just to free the machine up.

Otherwise he is a good lad. But I am sick of it.

How is it going?

If he was at uni it would have been left on his bed or bagged up and chucked

time to start charging for your labour. This is done by stopping phone contracts.

My DSS works so pays for own phone contracts.

Am I expecting too much? The laundry basket is still at the bottom of the stairs with their clean washing in. God knows where the dirty washing is . Bins in bedrooms over flowing onto floor. Dirty dishes in bedroom. Clothes airer up being used as clothes horse in bedroom.

Pet never fed or cleaned out unless asked, then asked again, then asked again (DSS 17).

Recyc never taking out. Kitchen bin stuffed till over flowing. Food left over work surfaces.

I thought at 17 and 19 we could at least expect an offer to do dinner, or run the vacuum around. Or do the pots. Or empty a kitchen bin without being asked. At 19 I was living abroad as a nanny. Is 19 considered a child nowadays?

It is really grinding the family down. We have done explaing, lists, rota, consequence, but it is all reset once they come back home after a week with their other parent.

Everday is a nag. They have a little sister and love her, but the nagging is dominating the fun.

Sorry for hijaking OP.

Is this typical teen?

no, it is disgusting.

stop all washing services. Tip all clothes on to the floor of their bedrooms, reclaim your clothes airer. Retrieve the dirty dishes (health hazard) but nothing else.

one warning on pet - things improved or it is put down. Cruel not to feed it and keep it dirty anyway. FOLLOW THROUGH.

or just change the locks on them, who needs all this?

DH did state he was rehoming the pet this week. I feel he wont follow through. I'm afraid if I push things too hard they will vote with their feet. It would break my daughters heart not to play with her big brothers, who are other than lazy really nice young men.

DS is the same at 16. I am constantly having to nag about crockery with food scraps on left in bedrooms, on computer desks or just on draining board. (How hard can it be to scrape food leftovers into small bin under sink and put plate in the dishwasher?

The other day, I had asked him to clear the clothes off his bedroom floor. Of course, everything went in the washing basket, regardless of whether or not it needed washing. He then had the nerve to yell down the stairs "I need my Chinos washing & ironing by Friday"! Note the lack of courtesy in that sentence. He was given short shrift and suddenly retrieved said chinos from the washing basket deciding that they weren't actually dirty at all - just creased from being dumped on the floor. Minutes later, he was at the ironing board ironing them! I notice that they have been carefully draped over a chair ever since

I stripped his bed today, then gave him the clean bedding to make it up again. Cue much whinging, but the job got done.

I just get fed up of all the having to repeat myself over and over and over - but I refuse to give in.

nice young men other than being lazy, dirty and entitled?

wow.

I suppose you could tell them that you will ban them if they don't stop trashing your house, and that it will upset little sister if you are forced to do this. Perhaps that will work?

my dd is very similar. love her but not the mess. she will be going on Monday so I feel philosophical about it. just keep at him, but he sounds nice, my dds are so rude

I would simply tell him that unless he clears up after himself, does his own washing etc you will either double his rent or bill him separately.