Parents. I need your opinion, please.

[MatchstickMonster]

I am 16 years old. I fear my mum has been too controlling, but I am only just noticing this.

Some background. I've been suffering from depression since I was 8. I've tried to kill myself 3 times. My mum cares for me and knows of some of this depression. She saw scars from self harm. I am going through mental health services currently in hope that I will improve. She does not know the full extent of my problems. I have minimised them so as not to hurt her. I also have a myriad of lifelong disabilities that affect me greatly.

I have got a boyfriend who suffers in many similar ways to me. We understand each other very much. This helps us both immensely. This sounds very cliche I'm sure, but I believe I love him. We have only been in a relationship for roughly 3 months, but we are sexually active. We have been very sensible. STI tests before, multiple forms of contraception, long detailed talks about what we feel comfortable with. I am very sure I am/was ready. I have no regrets. I did not feel pressured at all.

My mum however, does not feel I am ready. I have not told her yet. I fear she would disapprove. In casual comversation, she said she didn't think I was ready.

She wants me to tell her when I'm sexually active. I feel very uncomfortable with this. Partially because I already am, but also, I do not feel it concerns her. As long as I can guarantee she will not be becoming a grandmother too soon. Is she reasonable to want this?

Also, should I ask before going out? Does she have the power to keep me inside. Before my boyfriend, I did not do anything. I stayed inside because I had no motivation. I did nothing. Some of my friends said that it's normal to just say they're going out. After all, it may be their parent's house, but it's their home also.

Bless you MM you sound like a very mature 16 yr old!

As a Mum of a 16 yr old myself I would like to think DD would confide in me when she took that step in a relationship , if only so I could support her if she had any concerns and make sure she had contraception sorted.

HOWEVER I know it is up to her and I have to let her make her mind up when she is ready. I talk to her about all sorts of things and the one thing I have drummed into her & her sister is that whatever age she starts being sexually active it must be HER choice not to keep a BF happy!

Sounds to me like you have a lovely comfortable relationship with your man & have taken the next step. After all the unhappiness in your life it is lovely you have found someone special to love you and have some fun with.

You are right it is none of her business, but she is your Mum & she will worry about you ('tis in our job description )

Maybe a compromise would be to be truthful if she asks but don't have a discussion about it if you don't geel comfortable telling her?

Just tell her you are happy and enjoying life, give her a hug and go out before you get drawn into a debate!

I think it's a tricky time, for almost everyone, one way or another. You and your mum are both on 'new territory' and need to work out how to be/what to do.

Mums seem - and sometimes are - controlling because up til the teenage years they have been responsible for their kids' every move, and they still would be held responsible if anything bad happened. They have to get used to letting go, and it's sometimes scary and difficult.

And generally, when people live together - whether they're family, lovers or friends - they care about each other. And people who care also worry!

Personally I think telling people where you're going is a caring, and also sensible, thing to do. I told my parents when I was your age, I told my housemates when I shared with friends, and now I am a mum, my kids tell me (usually!)...

If/when you tell your mum about your boyfriend, I think your problem will disappear: you'll just be able to shout "Bye! I'm off to see BF" as you head out the door... :)

Good luck!