Self harming teenager

[CelticGreek]

My wonderful daughter is a newcomer to self harming but seems to be running with it. I knew she'd done it again as I said goodnight last night, she was holding her arm close to her body. I asked her directly if she had but she shooed me away so I left her to her TV.

This morn I was in her room and saw her arm while she slept - I wasn't spying on her, just looking for dirty laundry. I feel sick at what I saw. She doesn't know I've seen.

She's been having anxiety probs for a while now, as a direct result of her father's criminal activities, and history of deviant behavior. Since we separated 10 years ago, my kids have been subjected to a host of emotionally damaging behavior from their father, to the point that as of earlier this year they no longer stay with him - we had joint residency previously - and only see him fortnightly to visit his mum thus maintaining an air of normality for her benefit as she's unaware of what he's been up to.

So we've been to the docs, passed on to pediatric psychologist who promised to help deal with the situation so she doesn't see her father anymore with the help of child protection services... Anyhow, nothing happened, no help at all. This is partly why my daughter feel no one can help her and now she cuts herself. Now she doesn't see the psychologist as the techniques she was being given to deal with the panic attacks and chest pains are not helping.

Now we're waiting to see if camhs will put her on their waiting list. A friend of mine has a daughter who has suicidal thoughts and still had to wait 6 months to be seen. The services in this area are crap.

Where do we go from here is my worry. I'm trying to carry on as normal, telling her she's wonderful, loved, valued. I'm so proud of her achievements to date, her school work is amazing, top set all subjects, year 10 coming up so GCSE's. Please God don't let this escalate and set her back in life. That sounds totally unrealistic as I have a horrible feeling it's going to get far worse before getting any better.

What do I do now until professional help comes along?

In term time, my advice would be to ring the school and ask them to put pressure on CAHMS to speed up the referral. We did that and dd got in almost straightaway.

Since the school counsellor isn't likely to be around at the moment, you may have to contact your GP again. Explain that the problem is escalating and that this is far worse than when the original referral was made.

Also ring the paediatric psychologist's secretary and ask her to pass on a message to the psych.

It may be that your dd needs more help to persevere with the methods she has been taught, or needs to try different methods; it may even be that CAHMS will find she needs medication to take the edge off her anxiety before she is able to use the methods effectively.

In the meantime, try not to worry too much about her GCSE's and the future- deal with the present, which is bad enough.

My dd went through a very similar situation, has just finished Yr 11 with roughly half the GCSE's she was originally predicted (and no doubt far, far lower grades)- but the Sixth Form College are still happy to take her, to do exactly the same A-levels as she originally had in mind. With a good UCAS form (if applying to university) and a coherent explanation of her (relative) lack of GCSE's I am not really expecting this to hold her back in life at all.

Thanks cory, you're right, school will be able to get on board in Sept, the head of year is aware of the difficulties and issues as it goes back 3 years, and has been very helpful.

Not sure about the GP as we only saw him last Fri Aug 2nd. Still might be worth a call tho.

As for the psych, I've left 2 messages for her to call me, one 2wks ago, and again this morn. have to wait and see.

Because i wasn't in the room during dd's 3 meetings with the psych trying to help with coping techniques i don't know what went on, definitely more than my dd's telling me which I'm ok with, but I don't know what advice was given to her when she decided not to continue which was 4 wks ago. Surely I should've had some sort of info about what the sessions entailed, and the outcome? My dd's only 14 after all.

As for the future, I'm taking things as they come. It's so hard to see your kids struggling and not know what to do. My dd has always wanted to be a vet, so GCSE's etc are vital. I think her school work gives her focus as she's determined to do well, tho she complains like mad too!

All my balls are up in the air, and some I didn't know I had!

Barnados run a course called 'escape programme' which aims to help parents improve confidence and communication with their teens, that starts in Nov so I'l try for a place on that. Seems a long way off tho.

Good to hear a positive educational outcome for your dd cory. Hope she goes from strength to strength.

Hi thought I'd share my past with you hope it helps I started selfharming aged 11 overdosed aged 12 put in. Hospital left hospital camhs really don't no what thery r doing it toke me 6 yrs of selfharming to get the help I needied within that time I went on the drink saw the cells a few times had boyfriend 40 years my senior but then some good doc toke me under her wing and helped me and 2day am married mum of one how has a pretty normal dull life ur dd will always need your support and love keep on calling the docs because u will ve saveing her life talk to her about safe cutting intil she gets the help like useing blunt thing not knifes raszors etc hope this help a bit good luck

I'm not a parent. I am a teenager who suffers from extreme anxiety and depression. I have been battling self harm for multiple years now.

I say battling because really, it can feel like an addiction. It feels like it controls me sometimes, rather than me controlling it.

I would recommend you try talk to her. You may not understand. You may never. Self harm is one of those things that unless you have personal experience, it can be so difficult to truly understand. However, it will mean a lot that you are trying.

Recognise self harm for what it is. A coping measure. A negative coping measure, but a coping measure nonetheless. It cannot be removed. It has to be replaced.

There are many reasons why she may be self harming. Self hatred and a need for punishment. A need for control. Simple chemical release of endorphins. There are many possible explanations and many ways to try combat it. Try to ascertain why. This will be difficult. Chances are, even she doesn't fully understand.

Regarding the anxiety, it's a gradual thing. Is she anxious about anything specific? Try understanding. Chances are, through CAMHS, they'll put her for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. In CBT, one of the things they do is analysing specific situations where one has felt anxious. What happened, what was felt, what caused saod feelings, actions taken and how one would act in future to try reduce anxiety.

Everyone is so different and the only way you can know for certain how to proceed is to talk to her. She will likely not want to talk. She may be scared of being "told off" or misunderstood.

Regarding GCSE's, it's a difficult time. I'm waiting for my results of mine. It was very difficult. With support though, I made it through, with predicted good grades. But try not to pressure her with grades. Being in top sets, she probably puts plenty of pressure on herself anyway. And the fact is, exams can be resat. It may delay her a couple of years, but she has the rest of her life. Her mental wellbeing is most important. However, I'm sure she will make it. She has exactly what she needs: a supporting, loving mum.

I have a lot of knowledge in this area. PM me if you would like to talk further.

Thank you for taking the time to write zoesmum2012, wow you've been through the mill, and come out the other side too, I take on board your advice about safe cutting. I hope you remain strong and take great pleasure in being a mum, the most precious one in a child's life.

MatchstickMonster, I hope you got the results you wanted. Thanks for your advice too, I hope I'm doing the things you advise, I hope my dd knows I'm in her corner, Lord knows I tell her often enough :-) You teens are difficult to reach out to sometimes, of course I'll never give up as any mother will tell you, you're each unique and wonderful, and sometimes a mystery, but always first and foremost in your mums eyes. Thanks for the offer of further advice, you're very kind to offer up your time. Things have settled down a bit, as I'll explain in a mo, but I may take you up on it if things get bad again, if that's ok with you.

The summer has been difficult, but there have been positives. We have a referral to Cahms, just waiting for an appointment. I just hope they are able to connect with my dd and help her through the issues causing her difficulties, provide coping mechanisms.... Sadly they can't get rid of the source of the problems, that will come in time, as my ex is help accountable for his criminal and deviant behavior. Thing is the wheels of the Criminal Justice System turn very slowly!

Finally, and I hold my breath, and cross fingers as I type - She tells me she has stopped cutting herself. I haven't seen any evidence to the contrary, and she is more relaxed around us, not so tense, holding her arms close, keeping sleeves pulled down tight... Time will tell I guess.

I'm still on edge tho, my child protection app is in overdrive. I just don't want anything to upset her, tip her over the edge.

I'm praying for a happy ending here (not that I'm particularly religious but it may help) and for the health and happiness of all those who find themselves in a situation with no sight of a way out, except to turn the focus inwards.

I'll be back, hopefully with news of further progress. Take care xx