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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Am I right to be concerned?

22 replies

longtimelurker101 · 03/08/2013 17:35

As the user name states I've lurked on these boards a while and taken some very good advice from them and laughed my head off at other threads.

So my issue, DD1 (18) was delighted to tell me the scandalous gossip all about her friend (also 18) who has been having an affair with a man who is 32 and a school teacher. He does not teach at their school but at a comprehensive down the road and does teach young people their age. Apparently he knows her Dad (DD friend) and they met when she was at the pub with him and have carried on from there.

Am I right to be concerned that this man could be a threat to other girls at his own school if he obviously doesn't see the issue in sleeping with an 18 year old at his age already?

OP posts:

TeenAndTween · 03/08/2013 17:39

well. I wouldn't be at all happy if my DD at 18 was seeing a man aged 32.

BUT. he is not in a position of trust over this girl, (who is also legally an adult). so really unless you have reason to believe he actively preys on schoolchildren, i'm not sure there is a lot you can/should do about it.

Original poster

longtimelurker101 · 03/08/2013 17:53

So should I tell her parents?

OP posts:

Viking1 · 03/08/2013 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 03/08/2013 19:52

I think he's a bit silly to be involved with a girl still at school - but she isn't his pupil and she is 18. Well over the age of consent and legally he's able to have a relationship with her as she is 18.

I would mind my own - whilst telling me DD that I think her friend is silly to be dating a man so much older than her and if he is married, that she needs to think about her morals re this... does your DD find that acceptable and if so, why?

Original poster

longtimelurker101 · 03/08/2013 20:34

No apparently he's not married so maybe used the wrong term there. From what I can gather from DD its not really dating more like she goes round to his regularly. Apparently its the scandal of DD's friendship group who seem to think it a bit odd.

I guess as long as no harm is being done there is nothing to be done.

OP posts:

MsWazowski · 03/08/2013 20:37

It's not ideal, but they're both adults. Telling her parents would probably just upset them and her. There is nothing to be gained by it.

Original poster

longtimelurker101 · 03/08/2013 22:27

But wouldn't you want to know if it was your DD? I mean my DD is fairly shocked by it and thinks he is taking advantage of her.I mean I can see what he gets out of it, but isn't it all going to end badly and upset this poor girl?

Oh well, thanks for the advice MNetters, I guess I'll just leave it.

OP posts:

niceguy2 · 04/08/2013 07:46

Well unless they get married then any relationship she has will end and she'd be upset.

She's 18 and he's not in a position of trust.

Leave it

ChippingInHopHopHop · 05/08/2013 02:44

Wanting to know and having the right to know, when she is 18, are two very different things.

Allow your DD and her friends to 'deal' with it, encourage DD to speak to her about how she feels and other than that, MYOB I'm afraid.

mrsjay · 05/08/2013 09:30

he is not married he has an 18yr old girlfriend and it is not an affair id be horrified if my 18yr old had a 32 yr old boyfriend but she is a grown up so. I dont know why you want to tell her parents as he is not her teacher , you could tell your dd that he maybe using her but it really is nothing to do with you

crazykat · 05/08/2013 09:36

It's your right to be concerned but neither of them are doing anything wrong as he doesn't teach at her school and she's an adult.

Is it the fact he's a teacher or the age gap that worries you? Just because he happens to be a teacher doesn't mean he's a threat to any of his pupils.

As others have said, she'll most likely be hurt if it doesn't last even if they were similar ages, it still hurts when a relationship ends.

mrsjay · 05/08/2013 09:39

OH I do think it is ok for you to be concerned though you see this gap is a bit big and he might take advantage of her and she will probably be hurt if he dumps her but there is nothing you can do to prevent heartbreak,

Original poster

longtimelurker101 · 05/08/2013 09:58

Just was a bit concerned about it all, I mean he teaches girls this age, its a little odd isn't it. I'd also be upset if someone knew my DD was doing something like this and didn't tell me.

OP posts:

mrsjay · 05/08/2013 10:18

It is a bit strange that he has a young girlfriend and teaches girls her age do her parents know ? if you told them what could they do I think it will fizzle out tbh

Eyesunderarock · 05/08/2013 10:25

Two adults, he isn't involved with her in a teacher/student relationship.
You may think it inappropriate, but telling her parents isn't a moral act, it's gossip. Your choice.
Oh, and assuming that it makes him a sexual predator who might endanger his pupils is way over the top.

OctopusPete8 · 05/08/2013 12:26

Its pretty Ick! I agree but she is 18 an adult so....nm you can do really.

Is he married?

Original poster

longtimelurker101 · 05/08/2013 15:28

He's not married according to DD and you are right DD's friend is not a child, nor is she an immature little waif, more a bright headstrong girl with (according to DD) a taste for older men, last boyfriend was 25 apparently. I don't suppose it helps that she could pass for 22-23 either.

I think I was maybe just a little bowled over by DDs full on salacious report, I'm not going to do anything as stated above it will fizzle out.

One thing though, could you imagine a woman doing the same? I'm sure people would find it much more shocking !

OP posts:

fubbsy · 05/08/2013 15:48

I had a similar relationship at that age. We had lots of great sex but then I went away to university and that was the end of it. I knew very well what I was doing.

People being shocked by the idea was part of the appeal TBH. We both liked the 'naughty' aspect of it.

Eyesunderarock · 05/08/2013 16:14

There was a thread like that a while back, an older poster bragging about her teenage lover and the view of the majority of posters was 'Phooaar, well done you, shag him til his eyeballs pop'

Original poster

longtimelurker101 · 05/08/2013 16:28

Ha ha, I suppose thats what this chaps friends are saying too! I spoke to DD about it and her friends, she says they are either think its a bit weird, or are quite jealous. I said that I'd be a bit worried if DD was going out with a man that age and left it at that. I never really got the older man thing but apparently its quite common.

OP posts:

niceguy2 · 06/08/2013 05:15

my sister was 14 and got a boyfriend of 24! My parents hit the roof!

my half sister dated someone with a smaller age gap but still significantly older.

Both feel apart when they got to uni. their boyfriends wanted to settle down, my sister's lives were only really just starting.

I guess it's fairly common and you just have to hope they see sense.

Teenage girls tend to be drawn to older guys because let's face it, teenage boys are idiots! lol

cory · 06/08/2013 08:48

I don't think the fact that he teaches girls her age is necessarily relevant: if that were the case HE lecturers would never be able to date people of any age because there will always be somebody of the same age in their classes.

The age difference and possibility of a power imbalance would be a concern but that doesn't necessarily make him dodgy.

Nor does it necessarily mean that her parents should be the ones to be consulted. As others have pointed out, she is an adult and being an adult means she is no longer under their authority. If your dd is shocked she should be having a word with her as a friend.

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