how do I handle this pocket money issue?

[bumblebeaver]

DN (my DH's nephew, no parents, lives with us permanently) gets £50 per month allowance. He is 15. It is supposed to cover everything. He is also supposed to do 1 babysit per month to cover an item I buy. He has a balance of 73 including August's money.

I have been very generous with him recently. Last week I bought him some quite expensive shorts, and he got new trainers as a reward for doing well in his exam. He has also been paid for all babysitting even though he is suppose to do it for free to pay for on ongoing expense.

He wants 55 of it for a pair of jeans today. I have said no, because it will leave him with very little money for the month. He is going on holiday with his gran and sister next week. We have paid for this holiday and his gran has absolutely no money, so they would not have gone otherwise.

I think he should have some money on him on holiday so his granny doesn't have to pay for everything, buy him endless ice creams etc. because she will insist on doing so, even if she can't afford it. Plus he has the whole of August and will want to go out and meet his friends.

I don't want to make him live the consequences by not going out with his friends in August as that will just be bad for him and me.

There is a massive back story here, and frankly I'm glad that these days I only need to post about such a minor issue, but I want to discuss it with him calmly and with ordered thoughts. He has had such a fit at the denial of the jeans he has had a nosebleed.

I agree with Viking - of course you'd have to get his Nan on board as well - so perhaps she might treat him to an odd ice cream or day out if she wants/can afford to but it would be a treat not a regular expected occurrence.

Thanks VIking. I've worked out he can do four babysits while I work from home and they buy them.

His money is all written down but if he doesn't get what he wants he just gets so disproportionately angry it seems such a huge issue. He actually gave himself a nosebleed over a pair of jeans. It's bizarre. When he calms down he will discuss a solution without too much problem.

It annoys me that we had this row as I've been pretty generous with him. The more you give them, the more they want .

Daisychicken the nan on board thing is the one thing I will never achieve. It's the root of the reason he lives with us (she brought him up). She would lose the roof over her head rather than deny him anything. I am actually giving her spending money for the holiday because I don't want her to bankrupt herself (she has called us to borrow money this week).

Ah, that makes things difficult... my eldest is only 11 so it's different but we have had similar problems with his friends all getting money and we just don't have the budget..

I think you just have to stick firm with what you think is right (& i do agree with you) and explain over and over that you have to budget, that he doesn't need them now but could save up and buy them over x time and this would still leave him with money for the holiday/ go out....

For the future, could you not do the holiday but get him to budget upfront (so put money away/you put aside) over x months or just not do it so that he sticks with your 'rules' rather than have Nan causing possible problems?

Reading back over your first message... obv a lot I don't know about but I think you just need to keep firm & say the same thing over and over as hard as it may be and hope that it sticks at some point......

I think he needs to live with the consequences. If he wants the money, let him have it and live with the consequences of being stuck at the end of the month. If you keep bailing him out/giving him expensive gifts, he'll just learn to rely on you and he won't learn to budget/save for what he wants.

Thanks for all your posts and suggestions. It always helps to come on here to balance out my views when I have the teenrage

My boys are 14 and 16; they get their pocket money each month direct into their bank account. I've not censored what they spend it for years and wouldn't; learning to budget is about making mistakes sometimes.

They know that their are limits and if either of them came home with a weapon or an age-inappropriate dvd or game, that I would put it in the bin. But other than that, it's their free choice.

" He has also been paid for all babysitting even though he is suppose to do it for free to pay for on ongoing expense. .

Herein lies some of the problem. You have taught him that you don't mean what you say.

Ignore the tantrum and nosebleed.

Italics fail

I find it interesting that 90% of all questions on the board can be answered by: don't do so much for your children, be stricter, stick to your guns. It is always the same but I myself make the same mistake as well.

When I am happy with DS I start giving extra and then bam! the negative behaviour will start as sure as the amen in the church.

When will we learn?

Fiftyshades the whole 'i mean what I say' thing, for me personally, applies to consequences.

Not docking their pocket money for their contribution to the guinea pig food because it's the summer holidays and they have more stuff going on is not the same thing at all as failing to follow through. Earning money to top up their pocket money is completely valid.