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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Mixed, potentially unsupervised sleepover for 14 year olds

26 replies

longingforsomesleep · 29/07/2013 20:56

DS, 14 (15 in October) has a mixed group of male/female friends. One of the girls invited him to a sleepover last week. I ended up not letting him go as it turned out the only 'adult' present was the girl's 20 year old brother. This resulted in lots of accusations about me not trusting him or his judgement about who he mixes with etc

Another sleeppover is taking place tomorrow. DS thinks the girl's mum is on honeymoon and has arranged a 'housesitter'.

He really wants to go. He's a very intelligent and sensible 14 year old and I do trust him. But I'm just not sure whether to let him in the circumstances. Any thoughts anyone?!

OP posts:
TheRealFellatio · 29/07/2013 20:57

There will almost certainly be sex.

NotInGuatemalaNowDrRopata · 29/07/2013 21:08

Not a snowball's chance in hell. What if the girl's mother finds out? I doubt she knows a mixed sleepover is happening in her house whilst she is away, surely? Would any mother of a 14 year old girl allow that? Remember being 14?

bigTillyMint · 29/07/2013 21:17

I have a DD and a DS and I wouldn't want either of them at an unsupervised mixed sleepover.

Hell, even supervised - is any adult likely to stay awake all night to keep an eye on what is going on? Or even be allowed in the room!

We just had 8 girls over for a sleepover party for DD's 14th and that was bad enough!

AMumInScotland · 29/07/2013 21:19

I would say no, because no matter how much you trust your own teen, they are going to be stuck in a house with a bunch of (probably) less trustworthy teens who may well be getting drunk and behaving inappropriately, and with the best will in the world the good ones get dragged into stuff.

Chubfuddler · 29/07/2013 21:20

Sounds like an orgy in the making

No no no

Original poster
longingforsomesleep · 29/07/2013 22:10

oh dear. I have already said they can all sleep over at our house on Wednesday. They'll all be sleeping in the living room and there's nowhere they could slope off to have sex as there will be me, dh and our other 2 teenage boys in the house and no spare rooms - they wouldn't do anything in the same room as the others would they? Oh dear, I shouldn't have agreed to this should I.

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ThreeBeeOneGee · 29/07/2013 22:12

No. Just no.

9 year olds: yes.

19 year olds: yes.

14 year olds: no.

LadyFlumpalot · 29/07/2013 22:14

When I was about 14 my "best" friend would invite me to sleepovers at her house just so that she could sleep in the living room and sneak her boyfriend in through the window.

It never bothered them having sex whilst I was in the next room patiently waiting for them to finish so I could go to sleep.

Chubfuddler · 29/07/2013 22:14

Yes some 14 years would blatantly have sex in a room with other teenagers in it, especially if they were asleep.

You must be mad.

ThreeBeeOneGee · 29/07/2013 22:17

I was in a group of friends in the sixth form who used to have dinner parties (we thought we were so sophisticated) and sleepovers at each others' houses when parents were away; three boys and three girls.

We were all 'sensible' (one head girl, one deputy head boy and two prefects amongst us). One girl and one boy were having a clandestine relationship (different religious backgrounds). She later confided in me that they had DTD on every sleepover, with the other four of us sleeping in the same room. We were 16-17, but still...

Ikeameatballs · 29/07/2013 22:20

I remember having mixed sleepovers a this sort of age. We had a very limited amount of alcohol, adults were upstairs/walking through the room and I don't think anyone had sex (I def.didn't) though there was def. some groping.

I think the scenario at your house sounds fine, I would really worry that the friend's house offers opportunity for alcohol excess and that in general the level f supervision sounds too little.

SuperiorCat · 29/07/2013 22:42

I wouldn't be keen even if it was supervised tbh, as an adult popping their head round the door every once in a while is not going to stop them.

shaggyrogers · 30/07/2013 06:27

An unsupervised mixed sleepover for 14 year olds would be a no for me. I remember going to them and waking up in the night to find people having sex in the room. In fact I remember getting up to a few shenanigans myself, as well as drinking and spliffs.

SweepTheHalls · 30/07/2013 06:44

Working with 14 yr olds makes it an absolute no!

Original poster
longingforsomesleep · 30/07/2013 19:23

DS has confirmed that the mother of the 14 year old girl in question is indeed on 2 weeks honeymoon and she has left her daughter in the 'care' of her 20 year old brother with her dad popping in every other day to make sure things are OK. He's having a mega strop because I won't let him go this evening.

I'm feeling sick because, before I posted here I had already agreed that they could sleep in our living room tomorrow night. I don't really want to go back on my word so I'm planning on propping the door ajar on the pretext of letting the dog, who normally sleeps in the living room, to go in and out as she wants. I also suffer from insomnia and am a very light sleeper so I will make sure I am downstairs until at least 2am and kindly popping my head round the door every so often to see if anyone wants anything (other than for me to piss off).

And I thought it was hard when they were little!!!

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Original poster
longingforsomesleep · 30/07/2013 22:30

OK so tomorrow night's sleepover at our house is off as well.

DS came home in a foul mood this evening after we stuck to our guns and wouldn't let him stay at tonight's sleepover. I went upstairs to reason with him and he stomped off to the bathroom. Decided to confiscate his phone which is normally password protected but noticed it wasn't. So went through everything and found texts from a couple of weeks ago which relate to him having been smoking weed in the park.

To say I am gutted is an understatement. He denied it and said he didn't know how the texts got there (please ....!). This is after lots of conversations about me not trusting him and he and his friends aren't the sort to do drugs, have sex etc..

I'm livid. Phone, wallet, bus pass, laptop all locked in the safe. And we aren't speaking.

Anyone care to suggest what my next move should be to stop my hitherto delightful, loveable, high achieving young boy turning into a nasty, lazy druggie?

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Chubfuddler · 30/07/2013 22:33

Ok good that the sleep over is off. Too much like temptation if not for him then for others.

The rest, I don't know. I really really doubt he's on the verge of turning into a nasty, lazy druggie. I know what I was Luke at that age (not good) and I've turned out fine. Go and tell him you love him.

ThreeBeeOneGee · 30/07/2013 22:40

Could the texts have been an exaggeration? In the way that some lads feel they need to outdo their mates and so the claims get further and further from the reality...

LoveSewingBee · 30/07/2013 22:55

Now tell him you love him, don't leave it to smoulder overnight.

Tomorrow it is time for a frank chat. I would let him do most of the talking so don't go in all guns blazing. He is young, he is experimenting, he may feel peer pressure. You want to create an open non-threatening environment in which he feels loved and secure enough to come to you if he needs help/advice.

LoveSewingBee · 30/07/2013 23:00

Plus if he really wants to have sex then it will happen with or without your permission.

It would be better if he is clued up about safe sex and potential consequences if things go wrong. Don't push him away from you, even if you totally diapprove. He is not likely to listen if he feels rejected.

Original poster
longingforsomesleep · 30/07/2013 23:52

well I was so cross and upset I did push him away for a while but then we had a long chat and lots of cuddles. He says he was trying to make himself popular and wanted his friends to think he was cool. He says he went over to a group of boys he doesn't really know and they offered him some. He swears it was only once and he won't do it again.

I hope I can believe him.

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LoveSewingBee · 31/07/2013 00:42

Glad you had a chat and more importantly cuddles.

It is not easy to be young. Everybody makes mistakes, often more than once, before we learn from our mistakes.

Try to make sure that he knows that you always love him and that he can always come to you.

flow4 · 31/07/2013 07:11

Be aware that at 14, he is more likely to be smoking dope than having sex.

As far as sleepovers go, the issue is supervision not girls. In a group of 14/15 yos, there will be some who push the limits. At an unsupervised sleepover in a house with no adults, there will be some kids drinking, taking drugs or having sex - absolutely definitely without any doubt - because those who like to push the limits are drawn to places where they can. But if you host a sleepover that is 'publicised' as being in your front room with you around, then there probably won't be, because those looking for a place to push the limits will know your house isn't it.

Communication is key. With your DS's friends as well as with him. IME, the friends who have looked you in the eye, had a conversation with you and/or eaten a meal with you are v unlikely to do things in your house that they know you would not like.

Make sure they all know the rules. Don't leave it to your DS to tell them what's allowed, because he won't want to. I have one friend, a former youth worker, who has been particularly good at saying clearly, breezily and in a firm-but-friendly way, things like "Hi, welcome! Come on in! You know this house is sex and drugs free don't you, until you're all legal?!" There's always a bit of teenage blushing, but her house has been really popular with teens. They do like to know where they stand. :)

This age is especially scary for parents, because you start to lose control of them, before they feel old enough to be responsible for themselves. I'd say the main task ahead of you is to support your DS to make good decisions, because he needs to learn how to control his own behaviour, now he's too old for you to control it for him.

bigTillyMint · 31/07/2013 08:28

Very good post flow4Smile

Original poster
longingforsomesleep · 31/07/2013 15:05

I'm very grateful for your post Flow. I am clearly the most inconsistent parent on the planet as tonight's sleepover (in our living room) is back on. We had a long conversation last night and he was really distraught about what he'd done and me finding out. I'd also found some texts on his phone from his first 'girlfriend' who had dumped him by text recently. He was clearly upset about that as she had sent him texts like, "well I didn't know you were going to be so cut up about it".

He's been a real homebird until the last few months and I think he's currently working out how to fit into the social group he's with. I realised that my concerns were more about what he could get up to when he's away from the house than under our own roof. I also felt that, if he is concerned about his place in the group and his 'popularity' then pulling the plug on his first teen sleepover at the last minute wouldn't help.

He has promised to try and get a better balance during the holidays - not spend every day hanging around the park but play more sport, do more family activities and get on with the homework he's been set etc etc.

I've also told him I will be watching him like a hawk and think my, "believe me, I WILL find out" routine which worked so well when they were little may just still have a bit of effect!

And I can't wait until they're all settled in the living room so I can walk in and do the 'no sex and drugs' speech. I will also tell them that I will pop my head round the door at various points through the night to make sure everyone is OK!!

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