I think DD may be suffering from bipolar or is depressed

[womanofthehouse]

DD is 15, she used to be a very smiley chatty girl, she still is in some aspects and is pretty popular amongst her peers, with multiple groups of friends.
However recently she has become very withdrawn and introverted, she also has violent mood swings, she'll go from happy to teary to throwing things across the room and screaming. She's having problems with her older brother (16) who bullies her, now my DS is a lot bigger than her and she gets thrown around quite a lot. He also verbally abuses her too. I've told him not to but obviously being a teenage boy he won't listen to me or my DH.
I've noticed she's been wearing long sleeves recently and I have reason to believe she's self harming, however I am unsure how to approach her on that matter.
She's recently been in trouble with school for smoking on site and I know she's smoked cannabis before, but I am unsure whether she has done it more times since then.
I can't talk to her about it because she won't say anything or she'll scream at me. I want the best for her I really do but I have no idea where to start.
Can anybody who has gone through this before please give me a hand? I just need her to open up.

mumblechum1 and cory have it spot on, your daughter needs to hear this.

This is making me irate OP I have spent 8 years in and out of therapy, on and off anti depressants and in 3 abusive relationships and I have only just realised I am not the problem and I do not/did not deserve to be treated like that.

I've accepted that mine and my mothers relationship with always be strained, it's irreparable.

PM me if you want. This is awful just awful.

Once you've sorted the problem properly and things really change, your daughter might start (in a few months) to exhibit some challenging behaviour as she deals with the anger about what happened. That would be the time to go for family therapy.

I have not ignored this behaviour from my son, I have taken away pocket money, phone, computer, xbox so many times thinking it would make a difference.

(sorry for the late post, bloody telemarketers!)

There are some lines that can't be crossed. When it's violence against a smaller sibling their safety has to come first. I would loathe to have to call the police on my child, but as you said, nothing else has worked.

It was this sentence "I've told him not to but obviously being a teenage boy he won't listen to me or my DH" that made it look as if you were accepting that his behaviour is normal and nothing can be done about it.

I know you've not 'ignored' it literally, but he has stayed in the house behaving in the same way, yes?

And you haven't deprived him of that much if he has a trip to Cornwall planned.

The Cornwall trip is an annual thing, one of his friends has a house down there. It's been planned since last year, well before the abuse of DD began, since then I'd completely forgotten until it was brought up last month saying that he needed new clothes to go (to which I didn't buy, apart from a pack of boxers and socks)

Ds and I had this conversation when he was around 11 and very unhappy about things.

-What would you do if I hit you?

-Well, I would have to stop it somehow, I am your mum and it is my responsibility to make sure there is no violence in this house. But you are getting to an age where I probably couldn't restrain you without either you or me getting hurt. So I wouldn't really have a choice: I would have to ring the police. It would be about protecting you as much as me: making sure you didn't end up in a situation where you killed or hurt anyone badly. I am responsible for both of us.

Ds looked a little shocked, but seemed to understand where I was coming from.

And has he hit her/verbally abused her in the last month?

Thank you cory, I hadn't thought of coming from that angle, I will be sure to mention that in the conversation.

Twirly Yes he has, I told him that his chances going to Cornwall were slim if he kept the behaviour up, but I think it might be best for my DD if does go, she can have a week in peace and I can plan some activities for us like a spa day or something, just to help her relax.

When did the abuse begin if as you say it was in the last year? Did anything specific trigger it?

I have no idea what happened. They never really got on, but I just figured that was because they're so close in age and well, siblings argue. But it just got worse gradually, and I didn't notice until I saw him hit her then released that I need to do something, but what? So privileges started being revoked etc. but nothing changed, he still continued.

Your poor DD.

Rather than talk to her you need to show her that you are protecting her. She should feel safe in her own home! Did she put the lock on her door herself?

Your son has already one too far. You asked him to stop this many imes and he hasn't stopped yet. He should be stopped from lingo Cornwall and have other privileges taken away. Otherwise he will to Cornwall annoys your daughter will get some space, but she will still know that it will start again when he returns.

You have to all the police. Maybe you could call the non emergency number and ask their advice. They may be ale to come and have words with him, without pressing charges. If he hurts our daughter badly, she could end up in hospital and then social services will probably be involved as will the police.

Yes he is a teenager, but so is your daughter and she is at a vulnerable age and has hormones raging as well. She probably has alot of 'stuff' going on but she should at least be able to feel safe in her own home.

She needs to see that you are and will protect her. Maybe then she will feel able to talk to you. Talking to her at the moment isn't going to solve her problems.

Good luck.

By the way, I was watching that program last night about Frank Bruno, and bi-polar is something that can be triggered as a result of a traumatic event.

*going to

Sorry for my awful typing.

Otherwise he will go to Cornwall and your DD will get some space...

mumat

She asked about the lock (more of a bolt) because it would give her peace of mind, obviously wanting to do anything to make her feel better I got it and got DH to put it on the inside of her door.

I'm going to let him go to Cornwall, because if I don't let him go he'll just be even more violent. DD and I both need a break from him.

womanofthehouse Wed 24-Jul-13 16:05:42
"Thank you cory, I hadn't thought of coming from that angle, I will be sure to mention that in the conversation."

Actually, I wouldn't stress that too much in the particular conversation you will have to have- your situation is different in that he is not hurting you but his sister. I could afford to hint that to me he is (in a sense) more important than myself: you must never, ever let either him or anyone else think he is more important than his sister. So just tread lightly there imo.

Thanks for all the advice.

This has really been a reality check to be honest. DH is coming home at about 6 with DD and then I've told DS to be home by 7 but he'll probably break curfew to irk me.

So I'll have a chat with DD about what's going to happen when DS gets home and tell her everything we're going to say to him.

I'll post tomorrow what happens.

Poor kid.

Even behind a locked door, she probably still feels really terrified. She must worry that he could break the door down if he's a 6'3 rugby player.

You mentioned that she might be self harming, do you worry that she could do herself some serious harm behind that locked door.

I really hope you find a solution soon.

Good luck, OP.

Good Luck OP. I hope you can reason with him. Hugs to you and your DD. xxx

Good luck!

Good luck.