My teenager has been stealing money from me

[Josiejo1970]

This is the first time I have ever posted on a site like this, but I do not know where else to turn for advice.

I have three teenage children and have suspected for a while that one of them has been stealing money from my purse. Yesterday I found out which one it was, confronted her, and she confessed all.

She is 17, so clearly new that this was completely unacceptable, and there was not really a good reason - she just spends more money than she earns and this had become her way of keeping up with her friends whose parents seem to throw money at them!

I am not concerned with how she should be punished ? that has been dealt with. She is mortified by what she has done (and obviously by the fact that she has been caught). I do not feel that she will do it again ? we have put plans in place to monitor and control her spending more closely.

My problem is this:

Until now, I have always been so so proud of my bright, beautiful, popular, intelligent, hardworking daughter. She is great company and we have always had an excellent relationship ? as she grows up this has been gradually evolving into a friendship similar to the one I share with my own mother. I was so delighted recently when, in front of one of her friends, she said she thought of me as one of her best friends.

Now that my initial anger has subsided I just feel absolutely devastated. I feel that she has ruined our special relationship and can?t see how we will move on and get over this.

Has anyone else been through anything similar and recovered their relationship? If so I would love to hear from you.

See Maryz thread about troubled teens....

My 2p worth after sending you a hug is briefly:

Lock stuff up ( yes I know you shouldn't have too etc etc but too often on MN these things are the " tip of the iceberg" and escalate) .

How much has she stolen? over what time scale and most importantly WHY? "keeping up with friends who's parents throw money at them" really ?? Does she have such fickle friendships that " keeping up with the joneses is so important" or , more likely, her self esteem is low and she " feels she has to" even though her friends are rather better than that and primark jeans not superdry wouldn't matter a jot to them.

Is it really a drug/alcohol issue ? (I really can't see how the " hen parties" or teen groups on TV can afford to go on the alcohol fuelled benders that they do...)

Good luck

At 17 she should be earning some if her own money.
Try not to dwell on this if you are sure she won't do it again and is remorseful.
It can be a sign of other things yrs but I remember stealing a couple if times from my mum simply because I wanted stuff and I turned out fine.

Thanks Theas18, hug much appreciated!
Thanks Ledkr for your final comment, it makes me feel better knowing it doesn't mean she's a bad person - and I know I did many bad things when I was young too.
She does earn her own money, she has two small part time jobs. There are definitely no drugs involved, and it's not about designer clothes... it's more about going out, catching buses and/or trains, paying for food when out etc, whilst also trying to save towards her gap year plans. Some of her friends parents seem quite happy to keep doling out £5 or £10 for lunches, pizzas etc when my view is there is food in the fridge available for free, although I do help out occasionally.

I remember my boys had friends with a lot more money and its a nightmare if you can't or don't keep up. Have a chat with her about realistic finances and suggest the next time you feel as if you need more money maybe she can discuss it with you to reach a compromise?

You should make her pay all/some of the money back. She needs to know that actions have consequences.

Agree that she needs to pay back. She also needs to learn that it is acceptable to say 'no, I can't afford to do that'. Especially if she is saving for a big holiday.

real friends won't think any the less of her. Fake friends will. Easy way of telling the difference.

my db used to do this with our dm - in the end she secretly got a new purse and filled her old one with toy money and a note to say gotcha

db denied it for years

I would encourage your dd to be more open with you about money and to tell you when she needs it, what for etc then you can work out a way together about how/if she gets it ie in the form of pocket money/clothes allowance or by payment for chores around the house or any volunteering she does

As for paying it back I would ask her to come up with a suggestion and maybe suggest she do good deeds for neighbours, friends (babysitting for free) ro shopping or an elderly person etc rather than ask for the cash

My DD 14 took some a while ago and from my emergency tin so it was pretty obvious. I placed far more importance on it than she seemed to as I find is the case with almost everything.

In fact she is on her way to the cash machine to replace £20 she took from my purse yesterday while I was at work although she did tell me as soon as I got home.

At least you have a lovely relationship with her and I would focus on that , mine is pretty awful in spite of my best efforts

When I was 15 I did this. I felt very low and had (and still have) little self esteem. I didn't know how to express this other than buying makeup / clothing I simply didn't have the money for.

Looking back I am beyond horrified I could do this to my amazing parents. I had to pay the money back and it took years to earn their trust. I don't know what advice to give other than to say it is no reflection on you.

I did this when I was about 15 [shame]. It was a long time ago so mainly a few pounds here and there.

I was bright, good at school, polite, "normal" but I wanted more money than my parents gave me and to keep up with my friends who always seemed to have more.

I'm terribly ashamed to admit it but at the time I actually had the cheek to wonder what the fuss was about and felt hard done by [shame]

Smiley fail

''I have always been so so proud of my bright, beautiful, popular, intelligent, hardworking daughter. She is great company''

Still all true. She's not perfect though and she's been doing something silly.

Josiejo, yes, it is devastating, isn't it? :( Your relationship may not ever be quite the same again, because it takes so much to repair trust.

To look on the bright side, this may help you in the long run. It's hard for us sometimes to 'let go' of our kids and for them to separate from us, as they must to be able to grow up and leave home. It's harder still if we feel especially close to them. Those bonds do need to loosen, ultimately, and teenage bad behaviour can help create a bit of emotional distance.

It still hurts though...