12 year old, drink, boys etc, help!

[MaryRose]

Ok so I posted a thread last week about a mixed gender sleepover my DD12 had been invited to. After I spoke to the mum she assured me that the boys were not going,so I set them up in the tent etc and all seemed fine. DD comes home yesterday, a bit quiet, and admits the mum went out clubbing and left them! She said she didn't know and I believe her. Anyway this morning I have found FB messages which suggests the boys were there and that they had been drinking. My DD also seems to say one of the boys tried to finger her, horrible word I know. She has been quiet and I need to talk to her about this after school, have no idea how to handle this do I make it clear that this must not happen again but so she knows she can still talk to me. Should I talk to this boy's parents? (I don't know them) help so sad for my DD

Sounds to me like your DD is not happy about the whole experience, and got out of her depth and didn't know what to do?

Things I might consider:

• talk again to DD about personal boundaries, saying no etc
• talk again re your rules for alcohol
• talk through 'what if' situations
• make sure DD has a 'get out' for uncomfortable situations ie phone you saying she doesn't feel well
• always check whether parent will be present throughout
• only sleepovers if you know the parents enough to trust them

Related

• reinforce acceptable film ratings when at others' houses
• ditto internet access

Thanks TeenandTween. She did sound uncomfortable like she had got out of her depth. I won't be allowing any more sleepovers at this girl's house, Dr can come here instead but even though they are not babies to me they need proper supervision

Blimey just read your other thread thinking there's no way I'd let my 12 year old DDs go to a mixed sleepover and I was surprised at how many were adamant it would be completely innocent.

So sorry to hear your DD has experienced this. I think a good chat tonight as teen and tween says above.

They are so young but I feel that with so much more sex around in music, videos, Internet, movies, kids are exposed to far more than we were at a similar age and they do need protecting from it all. I can practically guarantee that the boy who tried that on your DD has watched porn on his phone or laptop.

We just didn't have access to stuff like that when I was that age, other than a top shelf mag you had to pluck up the courage to buy. It's a huge worry.

Good luck with the chat, I hope your DD is ok.

Thanks sandyballs, I think a gentle chat, she is obviously upset. I agree with the bit about exposure to sex, like you say we all peeked at the top shelf mag but that was it and it was also far less hardcore than what you can find online in a couple of minutes! The other thing is I am now worried about the friend whose sleepover it is, DD has told me that the mum brought a bloke home with her from the club, her friend acted like this was normal and DD says she is frequently left alone for long periods of time after school and at night while mum is working/drinking. I really don't know whether I should speak to social services, they were also left all day Sunday and when my DD came home at 3pm none of them had had anything to eat or drink. I know they are not toddlers but to me even at 12 this is still bordering on neglect. But I don't want to make anything worse for DD's friend by jumping in!

Oh Mary, so sad for your DD - I was beginning to feel that IWBU when I said that I wouldn't let my DC go to a mixed sleepover (other posters), but the reason I said I wouldn't was because I have heard similar stories about those things happening.

TeenandTween has some really good advice. It sounds like the mum is not really up to her responsibilities

Poor kid, sounds like her home life is pretty shit. I think it's quite an eye opener for some kids when they realise others live like this.

How is your DD? Have you spoken to her?

I think if I was in your shoes and it was one of my DDs (I have two 12 year old girls), I would want to speak to the boys parents. I would also want to know if I was the parent of the boy.

I've spoken to DD, she was quite open once we got chatting, she said he grabbed her and make a joke out of it, she said she was really embarrassed but thought it was just a joke, I said that if it made her feel uncomfortable that's not acceptable. She seems sensible, we had a more general talk about boundaries, protecting herself etc. The boy doesn't go to her school and she's told him she no longer wants to see him so at least she can choose to have nothing to do with him. I'm going to sleep on the parental involvement and try and get a bit of advice on whether I should report what is going on with the friend's mum

I'll repeat what I said on the other thread: this is not about 'boys', this is about totally inadequate supervision. It was obvious from your last thread that this mum would not supervise.

Children who want to push boundaries and take risks - boys and girls - will gravitate to places where they know no-one is watching... and this mum's house sounds like one of those places.

Other mixed sleepovers would have been different, happy occasions. I can vouch for it, having hosted, permitted and (in my own teenage years) attended many.

There are very many other boys who would never behave like this. I am sure I'm not the only parent of a 13yo who is shocked, saddened and offended by the implication that they are all porn-crazed predators. If you raise your daughter to have such low expectations of all boys, you do her a huge disservice, as well as them.

The 'rule' you need to teach your DD is not "beware of boys" but "beware of unsupervised strangers". I would not feel safe sleeping in a room full of people I did not know, and nor should she. But if she is lucky enough to have good male friends, whom she can trust, then she's fine.

Even if you wanted to, you could not keep her away from boys forever. You need to help her learn to judge character, and to take action to get herself out of situations she doesn't like. The most worrying thing about what you describe is that your DD found herself in a situation that made her uncomfortable, and didn't know how to get out of it and/or ask for help. You need to help her learn this absolutely essential survival skill, fast.

flow4 Totally agree.

Also totally agree with flow4, this would never happen at a sleepover where there are adults around! This is nothing to do with the boys, if it had been an all girls sleepover they could have been drinking and smoking weed, anything can happen with no supervision at all!Personally I would never have allowed any child of mine to sleepover at this friends house knowing that on a previous occasion the mother had gone out and left them unsupervised all night. Also knowing the kids are only 12 and 13 I would probably mention it to someone at school as a child protection issue. If the mother is prepared to leave her daughter all night with a houseful of friends who knows what else she may or may not be doing??

Well of course having read the other thread I had a feeling that those in favour of mixed gender sleepovers would stick to their guns and it would be nothing to do with the boys but apparently my fault for letting her go (despite assurances they would be supervised) and not teaching my daughter the 'survival skills' she needs. Which is bollocks by the way, 1) because if these sleepovers are so innocent why on earth would she need survival skills as you call them and 2), she was just too embarrassed to tell me what had happened after begging to be allowed to go and assuring me, as others did on here that nothing untoward would happen. I'm bloody well sticking to my guns in future, mixed gender sleepovers are a recipe for trouble, and ad for keeping her away from boys forever, yes I am aware of that, she already has lovely male friends,I'm not living in the 1600's. Unless the adult is actually sat in the room with the kids the whole time (are you going to tell me you would do that?) these things can and do happen.

Yes I will definitely stick to my guns thank you! Your problem is with the other mother and what a shame if your daughter now misses out in the future because of this. Have you even spoken to this other mother? I would go apeshit crazy if I had been assured there would be adequate supervision and the kids were left alone.

Nobody ever said they would be happy with a mixed sleepover with drinking involved and no adult supervision did they so it changes things a lot. Any adult checking on the kids every so often would be able to tell if 12 year olds were drinking, they wouldn't have to be with them in the room. Its a real shame for your dd the way things turned out but it can hardly be judged as a 'normal' mixed sleepover can it?

I'm not too fussed about her missing out tbh, I'm more concerned that she's safe. She already has a wide variety of friends and a good social life without the need for mixed sleepovers or whatever. Part of the reason kids get into bother IMHO is that parents won't say no because they worry about them missing out. In time my daughter will thank me for giving her firm boundaries which I personally believe are right, others are free to disagree, think I am over the top whatever. I have not spoken to the other mother but DD knows she won't be sleeping there again, though I've made it clear her friend is always welcome here.

I think you need to get more details here- is it really your DD's responsibility to 'get herself out of situations she doesn't like', or was it the boy's responsibility to make absolutely sure that she was comfortable with it?

I would be careful about making her feel responsible for what happened to her; she wasn't.

I agree tethersend, to me there is a degree of responsibility on the boy to behave well, she was not to blame for what he tried to do and I've made that clear to her. Jimalfie, neither was I inferring kids who are allowed to go to these things ate in any way misbehaving or don't have firm boundaries, but for me personally one of the boundaries is going to be that I don't agree with mixed sleepovers

There's a very important distinction between responsibility and power and control in situations like this. A child this age is not responsible if she finds herself in a situation she does not like, but she can be empowered to be able to get herself out very often.

IMO, as parents, it is our responsibility to make sure our children learn a range of strategies to help get them out of situations that make them feel unsafe or uncomfortable. For example:

• Talking to them about qualities they like and dislike in people, and help them identify what they think makes someone a 'nice' and 'trustworthy' person.
• Teaching them to trust their instincts about people who make them feel uncomfortable.
• Making sure they always have a fully charged phone before going out.
• Agreeing an 'escape plan' before they go out; i.e. making them talk you through what they plan to do if they find the party/sleepover/other event turns into something they don't like.
• Making sure they know they will never be in trouble if they call you for help, however late.
• Agreeing a phone 'code word' that means "Come and get me mum", so they can arrange a 'rescue' without losing face.
• Providing taxi fare and number.
• Helping them identify a reliable, sensible friend and encouraging them to make agreements to stay together and leave together.
• Making sure they understand that alcohol and drugs affect judgement and may make them less able to keep themselves safe.
• Talking to them frequently about things like sex and drugs, so they are not embarrassed to talk to you and ask you questions about things.
• Teaching them to say "No! I don't like that!" forcefully; encouraging them to be generally assertive and confident so they get lots of practice saying 'No'.
• Basic self-defense...

Even a young child can take some control of their own safety. A child of 12 definitely can. As a parent, you can (and IMO should) help them learn to do this. If you do, they will be safer and more confident; if you don't, they will be less safe and be more likely to be victims.