PLEASE HELP my 12 year old is driving me mad!

[Dizzy79]

Hello fellow parents,
I am having a very difficult time with my 12 year old daughter. I have two younger children aged 5 and 7.

Where to start?? Firstly she is very developed for her age, 5 ft 5, 36b boobs and size 7 feet. So far the boy issue has been ok, as in no boys, thank god. Anyway she steals things. Money from my purse, which I now hide, she has shoplifted, I caught her with the stuff and put it in the bin. I then threaten her that I knew the security guard in our shopping centre and I was telling her to watch out for my daughter, I followed through and asked my friend to keep an eye out for her.

My daughter will spend her weekly bus fare and then demand more money. She loses her bus pass constantly. I tried to show her she had to be careful and said she would have to walk, it is quite a walk away but manageable! She basically swore at me ( she does this often) slammed out the door and managed to blag her way onto the buses!! I was so mad as she wasn't learning anything except to lie and cheat!

She speaks to me, my partner and the smaller kids like dirt. Swears, rolls eyes, shouts. I caught her hitting her brother at the weekend so refused to take her to a family party. She didn't seem at all bothered.

Last week I got a call from school to say she had cut herself. When she got home she was very upset. There were three slight scratches on her arm, I didn't want to "fluffy" mum her so I told her I was not going to be manipulated by attention seeking behaviour. We are really close and she does tell me quite a lot, more so than her friends do their mums apparently. The school have organised some counselling for her.

Now I have not been a perfect parent, I had mental health issues and my daughter saw and experienced a lot of things she shouldn't have but in the past 3 years things have been great. A partner who is great with all of the kids, I have just finished college and have a Uni placement and I'm taking driving tests... I feel happy but obviously my daughter isn't :(

Today after losing yet another bus ticket I snapped, we had a huge argument which ended in both of us crying in our rooms :((

HELP PLEASE SOMEONE???????????

My 12 year old had both of us in tears this morning and caused DH to miss his train. She is unfeasibly selfish. Sorry not to be much help, don't want to think about it now, going to go out and shop! Hope you're feeling better x

I found the book Divas and Doorslammers very helpful. It gives you lots of detailed advice and action plans that we use ourselves and they work very well.

my daughter is 16 in sept and going though a tough to.my d has cut her self or should i say scratches.she asked to go and see the doctor which we have done.she is very up and down.i dont have the swearing,only once.so i stopped talking to her.sounds silly but it worked.had a bad night last night she walked out and went missing for 2 hours,which felt like 2 days.its a good day today,she has gone out tonight with her nan for a meal.she will probably go mad when she gets in and i tell her not to go on her x box.if she does i will walk away.if it gets bad it will come out of her room,first time im going to do that.everyone is saying it will pass,i bloody hope so?

Dizzy, it sounds very stressful.

I don't think it's unusual. Kids who have been through difficult times do often 'act out' by being anti-social, or 'act in' by self-harming/getting depressed.

Also, if you have had MH issues and bad times in the past few years, but are now well and happy, she may be playing up because (ironically, unconsciously) she feels more secure and safe.

I think children whose parents have MH issues and/or other crises are often 'good' - because that feels the safest thing to do, or because they have to be extra-responsible, or because there simply isn't enough emotional space for them to feel they can be anything else.

I know how difficult it is to be living with a teenager who's behaving like this, because my DS1 was very challenging; but it could be a good sign that she is giving you a hard time, because it means she feels sure that you love her and that you are now strong/well enough to deal with it.

I found this book very useful. It gave me more insight into how the teenage mind works, and made it all feel less personal.

Good luck. :)

Thank you all for your replies, its made me feel so much better that its not just me. Flow that makes so much sense!! I just assumed that with me being better she would behave better?? She has always been challenging but can be a lovely girl when she puts her mind to it. Had a bad day today silly stuff she spilt cereal on my new sofa ( I have never had a brand new one in my like, always 2nd hand) then broke the tumble dryer door. I tried to keep my cool but when she demands her internet back ( which she has lost through inappropriate messages) I could have slapped her! I didn't and managed to stay calm and sent her to her bed early, more so for my sanity than her safety lol... I remember how I felt as a teen but with modern technology its an entirely new ball game!! Again thank you I will be book shopping tomorrow!! :)) x

its very hard to keep your cool,god i know that.when dd keeps on then i just blow.i do try to explain but she doesnt want to know,cant blame her really.my dd has been told(by my mother)to put her feelings on paper,which she did.the letter was not very nice so i didnt say anything and we didnt talk for 3 days.my mother told me i should write back so i did.she hasnt said anything to me,thats fine.i did put in letter how much i love her and sorry she doesnt like the rules. i.e. turning internet off but that is one rule,and i have to live by rules though out my day even at my age.so thats life.

The letter idea sounds like a good one. Today has been a bad day. She vanished to school with my phone as she broke hers. The school rang to say her attitude, dress code, use of make up is all wrong. She just got mad when she got home from school. I tried explaining that I need the phone incase school call about the younger children. She was reasonably sorry for that. As for school its all their fault not her blablabla.. She has broken up today and I am dreading 6 weeks of her antics

Refusing to take her to a family party wasn't a good enough punishment. If anything, letting a teenager get out of a family party is a treat.

Harsher, more consistent punishment, and she'll learn. Tell her you'll ease up the treatment when she eases up with the attitude.

An, have just seen that she is self harming. She is obviously a very unhappy girl. Please don't call self harm attention seeking. It's not. She needs counselling. Support her through this. I expect behaviour will improve as her mental health does.