Partners DD leaves mum to live with him.... I didn't see that one coming!!

[Starlight001]

I have been in a relationship with my partner for nearly 2 years now. His ex wife moved abroad with his 3 daughters shortly after they separated but 7 months ago one of his dd's now aged 13 demanded that she move back with her dad. Since his dd came back, our relationship has become very fragile. I guess if Im to be honest I knew that my partner had children and that they would be coming and going on holidays etc but I never dreamed that one of them would want to leave their mother to live with him.

I don't live with my partner..... As his dd had major anxieties and trust issues we put our plans on hold. However, she has improved massively and is becoming a more outgoing and confident child/teenager.

DD is pleasant and polite to me but is always pushing the boundaries with her dad which can lead to terrible rows where I feel uncomfortable and would rather be somewhere else. She will always say hello to me but directs all conversation to dad..... She is also very clever and knows what buttons to push when she wants things her way. My partner feels torn between spending time with dd and me and with no mother around to share the custody he is finding it difficult to cope. This has put an enormous strain on our relationship and my partner is also feeling vulnerable and insecure about us as a result. We haven't laughed or been very happy since dd came back as he is so tied down now and knows our relationship has completely changed. It is a massive deal to get a night out or weekend away like we used to.

Ultimately, my partner would like for us all to live together in the next few months however I am battling with the idea. Im feeling very frustrated adapting to the change in our relationship and I find myself getting easily irritated.

Im worried that as difficult as it has been while I live on my own it may be 10 times worse if I move in. Maybe it would be easier if his dd is more settled and another year older? I don't know.

I love my partner very much... he is an amazing man and father but I feel that he needs time on his own for a while to concentrate on his dd and maybe if we had space for a while it might save our relationship in the long term however he is not very comfortable with this idea.

So many questions and feelings...... I don't know what to do? Im out of my depth on this one......

Any advise would be much appreciated...

Hi Starlight,

I kind of get were you are coming from. My partner has two boys and I find it difficult. They are much younger though and I also have kids.

Is there a Grandparent or Aunty that could maybe have DD over for a weekend? Maybe a break and a chat with your partner would help?

Teenage girls are manipulative so you both need a united front, so to speak. If you love your partner your going to have to sacrifice.

On the bright side in a few years she will move out :))

Hope that helps

Thanks Dizzy79.

unfortunately there are no relatives close by however parents of friends have been kind enough to offer sleep overs etc which would help a great deal. I think if I had my own children I would find this easier. I feel it all quite daunting the idea of living with a teenager dd and being "step mum" when her real mother is no where to be seen and has very little communication with her as she feels that the dd is being disloyal by wanting to be with her father.

It's a big mess.....

I love him dearly but I didn't sign up for this and Im not sure if I can make all this sacrifice. Im in my mid 30's..... sometimes I wonder would the pain of breaking up be worth it in the long term or would I live with regret.

My partner is aware of my concerns and now wants to know if we have a future together and is looking for answers..... I don't know what to do?

Thanks again for your reply.

Weeell.... There was always a chance that one of his kids might come ack, because that's what kids do.....even when they are fully grown

So I think the question you need to ask yourself is: what if more than one comes back? How would that make you feel? I think it is unrealistic to tie up with a man with kids, and then expect them not to be around even if they are abroad.

All our kids lived with us all the time, we had no choice. But that was kind of what we signed up for. you either have to accept that this has happened, and get on with it. You say you love him so perhaps you should work at it. His daughter sounds shy more than anything else.

But, if it's too much then end it, but do it fast so there is a clean break and you are not having him hanging on. His dd must have been very unhappy living abroad to want to come home, and is still quite young. Make allowances for that too

Hi orangeanddemons,

I accept its my problem and not his dd's..... she's in a much better environment with her dad and I wouldn't want to see her back with her mother who is suffering from mental health problems. I would prefer her to be with him even if its at the cost of our relationship. Children come first. It would be better and easier if his other 2 dd's came back too as they are older and could help him but that has to go through the legal route which takes time and by then they will be of an age to make their own minds up.

I have complete compassion for what she has been through and must be feeling right now not having a relationship with her mother however it doesn't make it any easier knowing all that. I have found a new respect for partners who have committed to being step parents and have taken on that challenge for the love of their partner. I'm sure it has its long term rewards but it can mean a difficult few years which I find very daunting.

ps... His DD is far from shy!

Hello Starlight,

I do sympathise. If the children were abroad it must be a bit unexpected to have one permanently around, and it's bound to change your relationship with your partner, 13 year old girls don't miss a single word of other people's conversations. I guess this is a decision about whether you want to parent this child? If you live together you will be taking on a role of Mum, and you shouldn't feel at all guilty if that fills you with horror - it's a big ask of anyone to step in to those shoes for someone else's child.

You are still very young. Are you hoping to have your own child with DP? If so, you would need to be clear with him before you move in together if that is definitely on his agenda, despite having DD around.

How much time do you spend with them? Perhaps if you spent a week or even two on holiday with them both it would give you more of an idea of what you would be taking on? You could get to know DD better and might find it easier to make a more informed decision about what to do next.

Good luck
XX

Starlight oh dear you sound so worried.

In my experience with teenage girls 13 can be a difficult age, and then if you factor in the unhappiness his DD must be feeling living abroad, plus her anxiety issues, it probably makes what is already a difficult age much worse.

Chances are that she will calm down over the next year or two as she settles down here, so I suppose you have to ask yourself if you are prepared to wait that long.

Also, are you considering having a family of your own with your DP? This could mean that DD feels even more pushed out. However, on the other hand, she might be delighted at the prospect of being in a family unit like that - it is so hard to know how she would take it.

Another consideration is that if she is 13 now, then in 5 years or so, she will most likely be off to uni and in the big scheme of things, 5 years is not that long.

Good luck - hope that helps a little.

Thanks yippeeteenager and monikar,

I would love to have children of my own and we have discussed it and my DP after a long period of thought has decided he would like more children too. Unfortunately he has had a vasecotomy so this would be another bridge to cross although he seems a good candidate for a reversal however there is no guarantee. Another hurdle!

Sometimes I think if we had a child together I would be less daunted by the idea of being a step mum or would it bring on more problems...I just don't know!! His DD was very keen for us to have a baby when she first moved back but I think she was craving a family unit and now as time has passed and she has settled as best she can she hasn't mentioned it. My gut feeling is that she would feel very threatened by a baby in the house. It would be totally understandable.

It took up until recently for my DP to accept that he cant expect me to call around every evening as I used to prior to DD coming back. I felt pressure to call as normal however this wasn't working..... He craves for us all to just get on and be a unit... play happy families but he is now aware that he has to give his DD one on one attention and I require space too. I prefer to have date nights but this didn't sit well with DP as we were so used to hanging out together most evenings so now this new routine has caused an insecurity in him which has made our relationship weaker. It doesn't rain but it pours... everything has a domino effect.

Thanks for the words of wisdom....

Starlight, if it's not working with you calling round every night then I'm thinking maybe it won't work if you move in? If you start living together you really won't get very much space and time to yourself, so if that is a big priority for you I would approach with caution.

And I know this may be a while off, but if you do go ahead with this relationship and a vasectomy reversal doesn't work, look in to ICSI, it worked for us

Thanks Yippeeteenager,

I was worried I would get hate mail for my feelings of feeling daunted by the idea of becoming a step mum but its been a relief that other mothers out there can understand my fears and concerns.

Yes we do spend a lot of time together until recently where I have asked for a more routine structure to our week. Its very hard not living together but your DP expecting the same routine as before DD came back and you have to adapt to these changes. I feel DD probably prefers a bit of space and time with her dad too but of course if your in a relationship eventually you have to live together at some stage. I just hope my DP can be more patient. Ideally we want the same things but there is no rush. I wish he would relax more and maybe there would be a better chance for us. I guess im feeling under pressure to commit to a "yes I will definately become step mum in the next 6 months" but his DD needs him right now and Im happy with dating. I know that if I was DD I would appreciate my dad's girlfriend respecting my space and time. She has been through enough and is dealing with it best she can.

As I write all this I have come to the slight realisation that a lot of my fears and concerns are not completely about DD and becoming a step mum but rather the pace that my DP wants it. He is craving a "family unit" again as he is a real family man.

I would take soon to be sd out for pizza and have a talk with her.

13 year olds are a bag of emotions so expect anything from a hug to tears to storming out.

Tell her you and dp are considering living together. Ask her how she feels about it, but don't give her the impression she can veto it.

Tell her that if/when you move in you will be co-parenting with her father but that you have not parented before so might make some mistakes.

She should be listened to, she is old enough to have an opinion. Discuss with her whether it would be better to wait for a year.

All 3 of you sit down and talk about the issue. She may feel more secure if she feels she is included in the decision making and her feelings and taken into account. Although she has to understand that you have an adult relationship with her father and respect that too.

Starlight You say that you prefer to have date nights with your DP now that DD has moved in, but he likes to hang out most evenings. It could be that he feels that is a huge step back in your relationship and has made him insecure about things.

Perhaps this is what you need though - to go backwards, then build things from there, all three of you.

In your OP you said that DD says hello to you, but directs all conversation to her dad. I think he needs to explain to his DD that you are his partner, the most important adult in his life and he hopes to have a future with you and that he would like her to make an effort to engage. It has occurred to me that from her perspective, she may see you as just his 'girlfriend' - someone to take out to dinner or the cinema occasionally, as since she has been back, this has been what is presented to her. 13 yo girls can be selfish so it is likely she won't like hearing this but it makes the position clear.

It sounds as though your DP just wants everyone to get on, now. If you do decide to continue with your relationship, I think it would be reasonable for you to talk to him and explain that this is going to take a lot of adjustment for everyone, it is not something that can be fixed overnight.

I agree with others that it might be a good idea to try and get to know her a bit better, perhaps the 3 of you could go for a pizza or something, nice and casual. I fear that is you go with just her, she may just sit and sulk, but if her dad is there (especially after his 'chat') she may have to join in. Also, as Madame said, you are involving her, and if you are to have a future with this man, then the three of you are in it.

It is a difficult decision, and I too admire parents who can take on the role of step-parents. Saying that though, the ones I know took on the role when the children were very young, when the children themselves were probably more accepting.

I'm a mum but when dsd aged 14 announced she was moving in it was a huge shock.

I think you need to do a lot of talking before you move in both with dp to discuss parenting and rules/consequences but also with dsd.

You might also get some support and advice on the step parenting board.

Thanks everyone for your advise..... Its been very helpful.

Theredhen...... did it work out for you? Do you have your own children?

DP has told his DD that I am a very important part of his life and wants a future with me. To be fair his DD has said she likes me and can see that we are very good together and I don't think she will have a huge problem with the idea of me moving in however the 3 of us need to sit down and discuss a few house rules I think and include her in the process. I don't want to be constantly picking up after her!

With regards to DP.... yes Monikar Your'e right in saying that my DP has become insecure due to our step back to dating but I think its like you said....... we need to take a step back and start again.

I will check out the step parenting board too! Thanks guys!

sashh has good advice. You need to build a relationship in your own right with his DD - go out for pizza, go shopping - just get to know her better 1:1. I'm sure she would value and benefit from a relationship with an older female - particularly at this age.

As you build a relationship with her, you should find the prospect of moving in less daunting, and certainly you can all agree some 'house rules'.

Teenage girls can be difficult, but incredibly rewarding too - but she will need to feel you like spending time with her, rather than just putting up with her so you can see DP.