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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

dd15 has told me her ex bf (16) pressured her into sex

20 replies

IsThisMyLife · 22/06/2013 08:20

I've not posted before although I've had a huge amount of advice from posts I've read on mn.

Last night Dd (15) broke down and told me how she was having difficulty dealing with the way exbf had treated her. gradually it all came out. His polite and respectable public persona apparently masked some very manipulative behaviour including him pressuring her into sex which she regrets bitterly and now feels 'disgusting' that she allowed it to happen (once only).

She says she feels better now that we have discussed this but would still like to get him to realise how wrong this behaviour was. However she doesn't want me to tell DH as she is scared of his reaction, and doesn't want me to take it further at the moment but may consider this later.

my initial reaction is to call the police but I know this route only open to me because of her age. However I also feel hypocritical as Dd knows I would be ok with her having a sexual relationship as long as it was loving and consensual.

OP posts:

Optimist1 · 22/06/2013 08:35

The end of a first serious relationship is always sad, particularly if you weren't the one to end it. Your poor daughter is regretting the fact that she had sex with this boy, but it's done now and can't be undone.

Personally, I'd make sure she isn't pregnant and take no further action against the boy. At their age girls are looking for love and boys are looking for sex. She's learned this the hard way, but hopefully this experience will guide her in future relationships.

GeekInThePink · 22/06/2013 08:40

I agree with the above post.

Original poster

IsThisMyLife · 22/06/2013 08:56

Thanks. That looks very rational advice when seen in black and white.

OP posts:

Locketjuice · 22/06/2013 09:01

Also agree with above

ComtessedeFrouFrou · 22/06/2013 09:11

Much as I can understand the desire to punish the bit over this, I can't see that it would help and would agree with the advice above.

It's so unfortunate that girls still feel that they should give in to a boy's pressurising like this. Hopefully your daughter will be able to learn and move on from this without beating herself up. So pleased to hear that you have been supportive - my DM's attitude would have been that it was all my fault for behaving like a slut

ComtessedeFrouFrou · 22/06/2013 09:12

punish the bit the boy

Longtallsally · 22/06/2013 09:13

First, great that you are close enough for your dd to tell you.

However, I am concerned that she still has blurred boundaries about what is acceptable or not, and how to respond: 'She says she feels better now that we have discussed this but would still like to get him to realise how wrong this behaviour was. However she doesn't want me to tell DH as she is scared of his reaction, and doesn't want me to take it further at the moment but may consider this later.'

Have you explored with her how much pressure he put on her? Did she consent, albeit under emotional pressure? Or did he just assume consent - or worse, ignore what she said and carry on regardless? Once you have the answer to those questions you can then encourage her in moving forward appropriately.

It does sound as if she now understands that she has the right to say no to any man/boy at any time, even if in a relationship. As such, awful as this first experience was for her, she can move forward to be a stronger woman, and to believe in herself and her right to have much healthier relationships in future . . . .

Eyesunderarock · 22/06/2013 09:13

I think that it's very good she told you, and that you can help her move on from feeling disgusted to recognising that she is not at fault in any way, is not disgusting or lessened by it and that she was strong enough to make that split, so that he's now her ex.
It's odd that you feel hypocritical though, I see nothing in your post that suggests you are. There is a difference between sex because you feel you have to or that it's expected of you, and sex with an equal. No hypocrisy in that.
It should be fun, for both. Even the first time. You sound very loving, and you are really listening to your daughter as an individual, which is what she needs.

nickschick · 22/06/2013 09:19

Im a mum of boys and I think the advice was spot on.
I think from having had this type of conversation with several teenaged girls (not my daughters and not about my sons),that quite often after sex has happened the girl looks back and it isnt the romantic way shed assumed she would experience sex the first time and its a very private personal thing for a young woman allowing herself to be penetrated,its a huge step and theres lots of doubts and worries about it .....I try and reassure the girls that if it felt 'right' to have sex at that point despite how they feel now then thats the way you learn not to have mad fumblings on a coat in the graveyars and sex and its intimacy is nicer when you both respect it.....I think most eomen wish their first sexual encounter was different I know I do.

NeverBeenToMe · 22/06/2013 09:31

I think there's a huge difference between regretting having sex with someone and being pressured into having sex with someone. If it was the latter I would be putting the fear of God into the boy concerned before he goes and pressurises his next victim girlfriend.

specialsubject · 22/06/2013 11:14

first, help her to realise that she is not disgusting and should not feel as if she is.

second, help her to learn from this - that 'no' means 'no' and if she does not want any kind of sexual activity, that's the end of it. Arm her with responses to the usual nonsense of 'if you loved me, you would' and 'you must be a lesbian/frigid if you won't'.

optimist1 puts it very well.

zipzap · 22/06/2013 11:19

I'd also be tempted to talk to their school - maybe in hypothetical terms - and see if they could do some sort of sex ed session that covers these sort of situations, so the boys know it's unacceptable to put pressure on the girls and the girls know it's ok to say no. Depends though how well the school handle these things.

ComtessedeFrouFrou · 22/06/2013 12:35

It would be worth reinforcing the no message by emphasising that its ok to say no at any stage - ie even if she has said yes to sex, it's ok to change her mind, particularly if he's doing something she doesn't feel comfortable with.

Even now I might say no to my DH part way through, maybe because I'm getting sore and because he's a decent guy who wants me to enjoy sex as much as he does, he stops, no matter how frustrating that might feel.

Original poster

IsThisMyLife · 22/06/2013 23:18

thanks everyone. That's helped to put things in perspective. We've had another long chat and DD says she would have no hesitation in sticking to her guns about something (not just sex) that she's not comfortable with in another relationship. It's a tough lesson, no doubt but I'm pleased we can talk about it as I couldn't have done that (still can't! ) with my DM.

OP posts:

HollaAtMeBaby · 22/06/2013 23:31

It might also help to remind her that having done it once doesn't mean she can't tell boys no/make them wait in future. She doesn't have to do it again until she's 100% ready.

BOF · 22/06/2013 23:38

Just keep loving her. You sound like a great mum.

Doneinagain · 22/06/2013 23:53

OP you sound like a lovely caring mum and its amazing that your daughter has opened up to you.

What alarms me however is that she feels she was pressurised into having sex, and many are choosing to ignore this fact. And that, as you say, she feels her boyfriend manipulated her and she regrets it after it left her feeling disgusting.

If she was, as I understand it, just fifteen, then this is statutory rape. It has nothing to do with who broke up with who or how romantic her experience was. She has stated clearly that she would like him to know his behaviour is NOT ok. I don't understand why most of the responses here are making excuses for this boy.

Please please reassure your daughter to trust and believe in her feelings. It was wrong for him to pressurise her, she has nothing to feel disgusting about and it is he who should feel ashamed. When she's ready perhaps she would agree to allow you to have a word with his parents about the boy's behaviour and how to treat women respectfully.

mrsjay · 23/06/2013 17:27

Poor her I wouldnt say anything to the boy he was a weasel to her and it is a shame she felt she couldnt cope to you before but it is out now, what he did was not alright but you must tell her She did nothing wrong it is him that should feel disgust that he treated her like that . she needs to know that she doesn't have to have sex to make a boy love/like her but at 15 I guess it is difficult, you sound like you have a wonderful realtionship with your daughter,

( I know somebody else this happened too and the mother said to dd oh these things happen )

mrsjay · 23/06/2013 17:29

come* I just read back that comment about her coming to you before hand that sounds like I am having a go it isn't I know what 15 yr olds can be like and feel they are mature ,

mummytime · 23/06/2013 18:17

You do realise that "him pressurising her into sex" is date rape?

So actually you could go to the police regardless of her age (not that I'm suggesting it). However calling Rapre Crisis might help her. She does need to boost her self-esteem, and you as her mother believing her and not sweeping it under the carpet will help, as will some proper counselling.

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