Girls 'shoplifting to order', my daughter got something, what should I do?

[Janus]

My daughter is 13 in 2 weeks. She has a girl she is not friends with in her year, let's call her C. We have a very small high street which the girls sometimes go to on a Saturday or for an hour after school. On a few occasions now my daughter has told me that when she is with her usual crowd of about 5 girls they have bumped into C in the high street and she had been bragging about shoplifting in SuperDrug. The next few times they bumped into her she then got things for the group but my daughter three times said she didn't want/need anything. She told me about this each time and I told her she had done the right thing. On the fourth time the girl got everyone a nailvarnish and my daughter said she felt pressurised into getting one as everyone else did and because she had kept saying no before. She told me this last night. So I explained to her how bad it was and told her if she ever bumped into her again to just say she didn't need anything. I'm not sure what else to do though. For example, I am friendly with the other mums in the group, one is particularly close. Do I tell her that her daughter has regularly received 'stolen goods'? I don't want to tell the school as it will be obvious that 'one of the group' has told the school and this girl is also a vile bully so I worry of the consequences, I know of several horrible things this girl has done to other girls, outside school in particular as she gets the school bus home (my daughter doesn't) and this is technically out of school. I did also say if you see her in town again before she even asks think of a lame excuse that you need to go home (tummy ache, etc) and then walk away and ring me and I will come and get her.
I have no idea what to do really, any ideas??

No direct experience. What I say here may be rubbish.

Can you say to the other mum that your daughter was offered stolen things in town by C and let her draw her own conclusions?

I think you need to praise your DD for resisting before and for telling you she had accepted this time. However you also need to make it clear in no uncertain terms that this is stealing and wrong, and you don't expect it to happen again.

Do you know the other friends (eg from primary)? Is there any way you can talk to them and re-inforce it is wrong to accept shoplifted items. (Probably not possible).

If your daughter and her friends could all stand up for themselves and say it is wrong she would have peers to back her up. Can she talk to them and say she is not happy and it is wrong?
If her friends aren't willing to not accepted shoplifted items, are you happy for her to be friends with them? I wouldn't be.

Thank you TeenandTween. I have been friends with one particular Mum since early primary school, we are close. But, I have before told her of things that have gone on that my daughter has told me but hers hasn't told her and I worry if I keep running to tell her the latest problem my daughter is going to stop telling me things as each time there is some sort of discussion / slight telling off prompted by my daughter telling me stuff. I am so relieved that she tells me stuff and I told her this last night. I did tell her I don't want it to happen again.

BUT I think I can, as you suggest, put the details in a slightly 'foggy' way, ie saying they are being offered stolen goods without then telling her that they have also accepted these and she can bring this up with her daughter and it's then up to her if she wants to come clean with her mum. At least my daughter doesn't get into too much trouble that way. Good idea, thanks so much.

I have to say there is at least one in her crowd that I wouldn't be upset if she didn't see again but I don't want her to suddenly be without any friends. God, it's a minefield!

OK, told her mum who has texted me tonight that her daughter said she knew they were shoplifting but didn't take anything herself. She hasn't told her she accepted stuff though but I'm sure her mum has told her how bad shoplifting is so that's all I can do from my end now.

sounds like it.

the girl is a nasty bully and a thief. She'll get what's coming to her eventually, they always do. Although if someone had the balls to report the bullying and get the school to do something, it might come sooner.

The girl is trying to buy your DD and her friends' friendship, or at least admiration which for some may be as much as they dares hope for from others. The fact she thinks this is the way to do it speaks volumes.

Do you know anything about C's homelife? Would a posted message about rumours of her shoplifting help her parents crack down (we don't know she stole them, only that she said so - she may be saying that to boost her tough girl image when really she's trying to buy people presents) or would that cause more harm (for your DD or C)? Maybe a word with the manager of the Superdrug to keep an eye out for her, help it stop now before it escalates? Does the school or local youth clubs have any programmes for improving social skills (cause, she's trying to be social but obviously doesn't know how and has this image built up more to protect her than anyone else).

I always worry about girls like C, she reminds me of a girl I went to school with. A horrible bully to me, a lot of stealing at a young age, died before we were 21 as things escalated with no homelife support for her (which I obviously didn't know about when she was bullying me). Stopping it early can mean the difference of life and death.

This isnt something I have experienced but its something I've thought about because my DS (13 now) who was about 11 at the time started hanging around with kids I didnt like. So my thoughts are hyperthetical but here's what I think I'd do. Your DD knows its wrong and so she's got confidence that you're on her side. I would take her to the shop with the nail varnish, ask to speak to the manager, return the nail varnish and explain what has happened. She is very unlikely to get into trouble. They will be more vigilant, more likely to catch her in the act, hopefully the problem wont arise again and your DD keeps the moral highground.
Good luck with it x

As a parent of a shoplifting girl I would want to know if she was doing it for others as well