Violent son

[tgirl5]

Our ds is 17 and over the past couple of months has shown increased signs of violence and intolerance towards his dad and me. This has included severe bouts of swearing, breaking household items, physically threatening us (although he has not actually hit us) screaming and basically making our home life quite unhappy. We feel like we are walking on egg shells when he is around unless we agree with him about whatever he wants. Obviously this situation can't continue but are at a loss at how to deal with him. Some advice would be great fully received!

I like to think that if one of my dcs behaved like your ds I would warn him that if he was violent or threatening towards me or my dh that I would call the police. And then I would follow through. I would also be very explicit about what the "deal breaker" situation was and tell him that if he crossed this line, he would have to find somewhere else to live. But then my dcs are still tiny, so I don't really have any idea of whether this kind of advice is practical or not. You have my sympathies. It must be horrible for you.

Hi tgirl, I'm sorry you are in this situation. It's horrible, isn't it? Quite a few of us here have had this experience; if you use the 'advance search' feature (top right) and search for words like 'violence', you will find previous threads and lots of advice...

You have a right to feel safe and be safe in your own home. Teenagers get to a point where you can't control them, and if they can't control themselves, then you need to get help to make sure you stay safe.

I am glad he hasn't actually hit you. But smashing things and threatening you are illegal too, as well as being really unpleasant. You need to draw the line, since he can't do it himself, and tell him clearly that all violence and intimidation needs to stop. Tell him you will call the police if he threatens you or hurts you or breaks anything - and then if he does, follow through and call 999.

The police will come, and they will take you seriously. They will warn your son, and ask you if you want him arrested. Often, it only takes one 999 call for teens to realise you are serious, and to jolt them into taking control of their actions. For me, it took 3 calls, and the third time I had him arrested and charged. It was awful, but it was better than continuing to live with violence and fear - for him as well as me and his bro.

The other thing you may want to consider is whether his violent outbursts are linked to drug or alcohol misuse. Skunk (a modified form of cannabis) and m-cat/mephedrone are widely available, being taken by many teens, and IME cause aggression and loss of control. If you suspect he's taking drugs, then you may not be able to stop him, but knowing it will help you avoid 'flashpoints' and stay safe. Monday mornings were bad for us, for instance.

I felt like I had entered a strange, nightmare-ish parallel universe when all this started happening in my family. Violence by teens towards their parents is pretty taboo, so no-one talks about it much. But it's more common than you think, and you can take action. You're not as helpless as you perhaps feel right now. And people here can support you...