15 year old teenage daughter has been beaten by her boyfriend and refusing to talk to police - He's in the same school

[jsjones21]

Daughter beaten by her boyfriend and I have taken to the local hospital. Very bruised. She has refused to talk to the police. He attends the same school. I have visited the school and they said that they can not do anything because the attack took place outside of school, but would inform his parents subject to my daughter's approval. She's finding it difficult and is not sure what to do.

Your poor daughter. Is her boyfriend in the same school year, do they share any classes?

I supported a close friend through this at the same age as your DD. Her situation got much worse and the severity of the assaults increased before she cut all ties and things got better.

Please go to the police. Your DD will thank you in the long run.

I am so sorry, js. Your poor daughter. Poor you.

This website is aimed specifically at teenagers: thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/ . It has various contacts here.

Childline can support your DD if she wants to chat online or phone them. There is also a website called The Hideout which has been created by Women's Aid to support children and young people.

You can also ask your GP to refer her to counselling. If your GP can't, the NSPCC or Women's Aid may be able to help.

You may also want to help your DD make a safety plan. This basically involves thinking through possible risks/worrying situations in advance (e.g. bumping into him at school, him trying to hurt her again, etc.) and deciding what she wants to do if the worst happens, and making sure she has 'phone numbers and anything else she might need in a future emergency.

I would want to go to the police, too. But I will be a slightly dissenting voice here and say that I do think it needs to be your daughter's decision. DV is not just a violent crime, it is also about misuse of power. Your DD will be feeling very dis-empowered right now, and as her parent, you need most of all to help her feel re-empowered again. Having a choice about what she does, and being supported by you to make the decision (and to change her mind if she wants to) will probably help her. On the other hand, if she really does not want to go to the police, and you force her to, you may add to her feelings of powerlessness.

FWIW, I have some experience... My eldest son has been beaten up by known people three times. The first time I did not let him make the decision, and I called the police and the school. The police investigated and interviewed the perpetrator and other children (it happened as kids got off the school bus and was witnessed); but there wasn't enough evidence for them to take action, and my son (and I) felt very let down. The school 'kept an eye on things' but nothing more. My son was very angry with me, and said it made things more difficult for him because he became the subject of gossip, as the older boy and others talked about what had happened, and laughed about him 'needing his mummy' to sort things out. :(

After that, I let him decide what he wanted to do, and each time he decided he did not want to involve the police.

The sad truth is that DV is even harder to 'prove' and prosecute than other forms of assault, because it tends to happen in private with no witnesses. If you/your DD decide to go to the police, please try to keep her expectations low because it is unlikely that he will be 'punished' much or at all. :( I think she needs to understand that she is reporting him because she wants to take a stand/'stand up to him', and because it might help protect other girls in future, but that it might not lead to much or 'fix' anything for her.

I wish 'the system' was better at dealing with these situations - I think young people are badly let down when they are victims of crime.

Good luck.

What? She's a child, a minor.
You report it. Right away.

Please. Don't let her down, not protecting her physically would be a greater breach of trust.

She is only 15. She needs you to be her mother and take control of the situation. You need to inform the police.

You need to report this. It is a crime.

Dear jsj's dd

He will do this again. By not reporting this you have given him permission to do this to you and to other females.

I hope he is no longer your boyfriend because if he is you will be assaulted again by him.

You have experienced a violent crime and you must be in shock and upset that it is someone you know and trusted. But you have to give a report to the police. You can ask them to not take action if you want, but this must be documented.

If you don't report it your mother has to. It is her responsibility to look after you. There was an amendment to the law last year, the Domestic Violence, Crime and Victims (Amendment) Act 2012, it means your mother can be prosecuted for "causing or allowing a person to suffer serious physical harm."

Now your mum could not tell this was going to happen the first time, but she knows if you stay with him it will happen again.

Who do you think deserves to be punished?

You? - that's bf beating you down mentally
Mum? - what has she done wrong?
exbf- that's who has caused the harm.

Please please report this to the police and cooperate with them.

I totally get the trust thing. But Your DD has no right to ask you to collude in her doing self-destructive things. Letting this go completely, brushing under the carpet, it's self-destructive.

The police will not pursue this if she refuses to make a statement (formal, written, signed). So there's no harm in her talking to them. IME the police will not pressure anyone to file charges (or whatever it's called in UK law), though they will give their opinions which may feel like pressure, they will make the situation her choice.

I'm really sorry that this has happened to your DD. It needs to be reported. It doesn't go away.

My teenage boyfriend became increasingly violent, but was never made to face any consequences for his actions. Decades later I'm still angry that I just took it . I recently found out that he has moved to the same city as me and the prospect of accidentally meeting haunts me. Please don't let your DD be saddled with this horrible feeling of anxiety and unfinished business.