Advice..

[gabyjane]

Some of you may remember me posting a long while back. I'm not really sure why im posting as basically got told i deserved the way she was with me but am at the end of the line with my problem and don't know what to do. I took the option of backing off a little. letting her do what her stepdad did etc so there was no come back on me being a strict parent as such. Unfortunately it seems to have backfired on me.

Weekend before last my dd got drunk (14) at a friends sleepover. I only found out about it due to seeing something online the next night. I gave my dd the chance to tell me a few times by asking about the sleepover and hoping she would at least apologise and she didn't so I then told her I knew and wasn't impressed. My ex seemed to know as when I said she was grounded for being rude to me about it she said 'xxx says you need to chill out a bit' The mum of the girls sleepover I got hold of (who had been trying me but didn't have my number) she was livid. My dd was really sick and ruined one of their carpets and was banned from her house. We had a long chat and I apologised and offered to pay for the carpets to be done.

There have been issues with school and she is back on report this week. She has only ever once been on report once (when In care of him) so to be on it again now shes back with him im fuming. He doesn't know shes on it.

To cut a long story short my ex said im a drama queen over all of it, that I need to 'chill out' obviously behind my back and has basically undermined me infront of her. That school is absolutley fine (she also got thrown out of a maths exam)..like he knows. His gf has joined in too so dd now hates me. This has resulted in her taking absolutely no notice of me when it came to grounding her for one day and she has ended up at her dads..long story why.

It is now day 13 since she left and has not returned. I have been through social services, support groups and even resorted to the police for help. Appears no one can help me. I have seen dd once on Sunday when I basically demanded I saw her and tried to sort stuff out. She was worse than ever saying she is never coming back. He suggests shared care..dd says 2 days with me rest with him. Ive said absolutely not. My ex has added this way he will go for CSA, tax credits etc..do I have any choice?

I am currently sat awaiting an email to see what they have decided to do in regards to care of her..seems being her mum makes no odds.

Loads more to add and prob bits to explain in more detail but that's the gist and just needed to vent to someone.

I'm afraid I didn't see your post a while back, but think that maybe you all need to get round a table and sort it out. It maybe a painful experience, but then at least you can sort something out that suits you all.

IMHO, getting drunk at 14 is not acceptable esp to the point where she's sick all over the carpets. I think you are acting as a responsible parent - whereas your Ex is not.

Thanks blue2. Oh trust me we have sat and sat over the last few months over issues and it goes straight over his head. I cannot explain his way of thinking but it is not like anyone elses I speak to. All my friends & family are baffled at some of his replys to me and I find him so frustrating. We need a mediator to be able to sit in the same room together as go round in circles. Basically despite everything that's gone wrong he stands by the fact dd is an angel and hes wrong. We had social services involved last time and they told him he needed to step up a mark and take control of dd not the other way round..i hoped it would have sunk in but obviously not.

Does your Ex have an agenda of any sort? Is he doing this to gain control of you?

Not sure of your history....

Blue2 only to upset me as im losing her and get her to dislike me otherwise he would support my decisions on what I think and clearly doesn't.

mindfulmum I don't pick fights with her I only pull her up when she does something wrong. The rest of the time runs ok as of late but as always she and my ex don't seem to like a peaceful life so it all erupts. Her life has been fine and apart from school issues she has been ok..its when she mucks up she can't take punishment and with her dad condoning everything she does she flees to him.

When I told her ide have to pay for the carpet she said 'take it out my bank' this is money for her future and she seems to think she can do anything and this money will sort any issues. The point is she has no remorse for what she has done, even planning another time to get 'out of it' online?

School have called me. Her tutor says she is rapidly going downhill. She is back on 2nd report and if she gets to the next one she is in serious trouble. The teacher says she is disruptive and rude. the teacher said to her last week if you carry on like this is you will ruin your future and i will be calling your mother..her response..shrugged shoulders 'i don't care I don't live there anymore'?? she knows her dad has no idea about school and even me telling him he doesn't believe me.

I will go with the 2 days but want it to be 3 so its fair. I always praise her for good things but her bad things seem to affect others now so I have to intervine and always will do

One thing we NEVER do is talk about my ex infront of her. Me and him cannot sit tin the same room as he just frustrates me and she probably sees this as everything is done by email or text. He slates me a lot infront of her and the first impression I got when I saw her at the weekend was a brainwashed child. She came out with comments he had said to me in email and also told me him, his gf and dd had all bneen talking about me in the car which she found very funny.

Im being made out to be a horrible mum and all ive done is try and make sure she is safe.

No hes not a harmful dad BUT she has no bed to sleep in (sleeps on the sofa) and he works very late some nights and shes on her own. This results in her being out whenever she likes and this obviously appeals to her as I wont let her just go out until all hours. She telsl him something, he believes it but I then get a friend calling me to say she has been spotted somewhere late at night.

The police etc was not a threat I did it because I just cant get my head round he wouldn't want her to be safe and behave? and how he can just take her as such and keep her and I have no say.

Going to have a battle on my hands as soon as she is back I can see it as she has been allowed to do what she wants and I don't agree with it. I'm willing to start afresh as ive done I don't know how many times before.

Thanks for the replies x

Hi gaby. I'm sorry to hear things aren't any better. I can hear how distressed you are. :(

I think some kids - and it seems your DD is one - go through a few years where they are really hard work - just basically difficult and often unpleasant. I don't think it's personal - tho it certainly feels like it. It is part of their 'natural' process of growing up and separating from you emotionally.

You are very focused (quite naturally, as her mum; most of us do it) on trying to change her. But it's impossible: you can't actually change anyone else - you can only ever change yourself. This is actually true of absolutely anyone and everyone you meet in life, but IME we seem to forget it when it comes to our own children! I think you need to step back from trying to change the way she behaves and focus instead on your own responses.

Firstly, you really, really need to detach... When she says "I hate you", you need to avoid rising to the bait at all, and mutter something like "That's a shame dear"... And if you manage that a few times, it will become easier, and eventually you will find you do actually get hurt less often.

Also (and I know this is much, much easier said than done) you need to ignore being told you are a 'bad mum'. IME, many teens and almost all exes try to use this against us at some point. They know (maybe unconsciously) that if they make us feel bad about ourselves, then we're easier to manipulate. My standard response to my DS, when he went through his stage of telling me I was a sh*t mum, was to say "Oh I know, but unfortunately for you I'm the only mum you have... If you can persuade anyone else to have you, let me know.."

Secondly, I think you need to sort out some counselling for yourself. Go to your GP and ask her/him to refer you. It is really, really hard dealing with a 'challenging' teen, and you will cope much better if you can talk to someone and get some 'neutral' support.

I also think you need to be nice to yourself. I have probably said this to you before, but you need to do some things you enjoy, make yourself laugh, go out with friends, treat yourself to a massage, go for a long walk, exercise... Anything that you like doing. Looking after yourself is not a luxury; it's a survival essential: you will cope much better with your DD if you also have plenty of lovely, fun things in your life.

If you think about it, if we forget to be kind to ourselves and focus all our attention on our DC rather than ourselves, we are actually giving them a very powerful negative message: we are in fact showing them that we ourselves don't really think we are worth much, and that they are far more important than we are. So when our own DC then act like they are more important and we are not worth much, it's not surprising: they are actually just acting out what we have shown them! :(

On the other hand, if you look after yourself, do enjoyable things, and generally are kind and respectful towards yourself, then you are showing them how they should also treat you. Because you're worth it!

Does that make sense?!

Mindful mum thanks I know what you mean! I really really have tried not to let the little things affect us and its worked. BUT this is more serious stuff and I feel if I don't pull her up she will just get worse? Ill wait to see if maryz has a reply.

Flow4 thanks for your in depth reply.
I do try and brush off things she says and it gets taken as me being sarcy?! If I ignore im in trouble and if I argue back it's wrong..very very hard to tell what to do for the best. I agree re councilling im finding it all very hard at the moment tbh. I have had nothing but pointless wasteful emails back from my ex which the latest I haven't even responded to.

Today I got a call from the school. Her tutor said she was supposed to hand a form and some money in today and didn't..this was obviously the first ide heard. She told the teacher she was 'going on holiday'..surprised I said 'is she?' no said the teacher turns out shes lied again and she just doesn't want to do it. The teacher said she was getting a little tired of the lies and having to threaten to call me to which dd said 'well I don't live with my mum anymore so you can't. I found out she has been in detention on various occasions and is as i think i said on report. I asked if my ex would know about this and she said he needs to sign it and hadn't. This annoyed us both and I asked if I could take ex off the contact list. This was done as if there is something now I get told and he wont know which makes no odds as he doesn't anyway. This may seem like a childish way to do it but I now KNOW I will find out stuff going on. I told her the money wasn't an issue and I would pay it and would have done days ago if dd had told me..i have just dropped it round to ex's house..no one in. I was also told my ex has applied for free school dinners..another thing I never knew about. I emailed the ex saying he could apply by all means but wondered why when I was happy to top up her account? That I had removed him from school as clearly dd didn't tell him what was going on so this way I could keep control of it all. He replied basically deal with school yourself then I want nothing to do with it.

I was forced into 2 days care with dd as they are both unwilling to go for 3 days. It went back and forth for over 2 hours before I gave up and text my ex saying 'please try and talk some sense into her' hes not interested and said take the 2. they are not even full days..literally amount to maybe 1. This leads me to the CSA who he has threatened me before. Looking online it is calculated by days so he's sticking at this for a reason and dd is now adamant it will be 2. Is it really the case that my child who ive cared for, for 14 years has had a paddy over getting told off can run to her dads and now he can literally claim for everything going and I don't have a leg to stand on? I cannot get my head round any of this? I could understand if I had done something but really??? I called the CSA, they said he can claim..he is entitled to her CB, tax credits etc etc..I said if he did I would go after him. My friend called to say it cant be backdated..does anyone know?

Cannot believe we have got to this stage and seems I have no choice but to do what they both want.

Flow4 meant to add yes I agree doing nice things helps switch off..however I just cant seem to do it. I feel so so much guilt for failing her and am quite miserable. I met a friend on Saturday for lunch and really had to put a brave face on as felt drained with it all but it did do me good to just talk. I am trying not to let it rule mine and my partners life as its just them 24/7 and wears you down. He's just text me funnily enough saying 'were going out for a meal tomorrow' just a change of scenery will be nice!
Thanks x

gaby, you have GOT to stop caring so much what they say about you. I know that is far, far easier said than done, but you really need to focus on it. If she calls you names, ignore it. If your ex undermines you, try to rise above it. Detach, detach, detach! Otherwise you will wear yourself out, and by the time your DD has grown up a bit and stopped being so horrible, you will be ill or half-dead with stress.

Force yourself to do nice things like you might force yourself to diet or exercise if you needed to lose weight! It is just as essential for yourself. And yes, get some counselling sorted.

It might be time for you to get legal advice about your DD's care and living arrangements. Since you want your DD to live with you, at the very least I think you need to argue that you are in dispute with your ex, and as far as you are concerned, she lives with you, wherever she happens to stay, until another arrangement is formally made.

Thanks flow4 I know I know I have just struggled BUT today I am in a newer positive mood! Dd is due back at 5 and im actually quite nervous!

Can't remember if I put on about putting some money through the door as she needs to hand it it to school but she joked she had spent it? anyway she hadn't and I got it back this morning as ex left it outside for me with what I hoped was my top she had taken but he's given me one of hers...it stinks of smoke. I have asked her to bring it back with her later and am getting nothing but 'prob not I don't think ill be going 'home' again before yours' ive said fine we can go later when you get back. Know what will happen ex will be out and she cant get in so I wont get it back but have learnt to just accept and wont get cross as I know its what they both want.

Will update tomorrow how it went!
Thanks

Hope it all goes well, sounds like you are fighting a losing battle with ex, I would make sure the school contacts him in future as well, I had this problem when my 16 year stropped off to live with his dad, got school on the phone to me instead of him. If its any help once he had to actually be parent rather than a friend, my son was sent back her, to much like hard work for him.

Hi gaby.

I think its time to back off a lot. Clearly your ex is winning because your DD has chosen to live there. It seems your actions are driving her away.

Let him now be the parent. You leave the door open for her to return if she changes her mind.

For me i've always found it's better to let them do things with your blessing than ban. So i was fine with DD getting drunk but not sick and as long as she was with friends. She then had limits and without feeling like i'd banned her. I even offered to buy her the drink. Now she's 16, she rarely drinks. No fun if your parent doesn't mind and all you get is a hangover!

Thanks. Well it didn't go well tbh. She has known for days as has ex that she has to be back at 5. % came and went and at 5.30 I called her. Was out with her friends as suspected but what really wound me up was my ex had told her she could go back to mine at 6? She found it very funny and hung up and when I called him to ask him what he was playing at he hung up on me too. It was a very stressful eve as she didn't want to be home, she didn't want to speak or be spoken to..told me if I didn't shut up she would slap me round the face. I said ide keep her an extra hour to make up for the eve lost and she said no. Offered to take her for breakfast but she wasn't interested. Told me she had called my ex who was on his way to collect her (over an hour earlier than agreed) he never showed so she walked out. Absolutely ridiculas and out of control. Today ex texts me to tell me she is ill and off school. Wont see her now until Thus but suspect she wont come back as shes cleared her room out of stuff and left it a tip.

Just updating my latest which isn't good.
We have battled for weeks now. We have had numerous incidents but it has ended up in social services going round and seeing my ex and dd to tell them that due to me and ex being married I haven't got a leg to stand on. I am shocked and so cross and upset that this can happen. My ex is finding it all a game im sure as is dd and I am at the end of the line with no answers. I have seen a solicitor and they have advised against going to court due to costs, time it takes as dd will be almost 16 when it gets sorted. Madness. My ex told the s-worker yesterday he was and has applied for some benefits as can't afford her...livid.

GabyJane
when I read all this I think - let her go. Why trying to force her and then she is home you are both in some sort of hell? Let her go, let her see that dad also has his shortcomings and maybe when she older she will appreciate you more.
It's all quite sad...

Because she makes it hell? She decides when she wants to be in a good mood or not and makes life difficult. She is perfectly ok 95% of the time but is making out life is so so awful for her. If she just did as she was told half this wouldn't have happened and if her step dad put his foot down it would help. I also begrudge paying for a child that has been taken away from me. I got told last night my child ben has stopped and the rest will follow..completely blackmailed into this. I know he has to deal with her, the trouble is he doesn't. Found pics of her last night at a party with a huge bottle of cider in her hand surrounded by booze?? she told him she'd gone to a BBQ and had food poisoning when throwing up everywhere again..hmm. Hopeless and I have to just sit back and watch from afar.