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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

quick poll, am i over protective?

28 replies

50BalesOfHay · 08/06/2013 08:56

Gd is 14 (lives with us) she wants to go to a sleepover. There will be 10 girls, none of whom I've met. Nor have I met the host parent. She's been a bit sneaky in the past so I don't entirely trust her, so I've said no. She's very upset. Would you let her go?

OP posts:
UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 08/06/2013 08:57

No. Not unless I'd met the parents or at least spoken to them on the phone.

purplewithred · 08/06/2013 08:58

I would want info about the host family and would make a phone call to them before deciding.

flow4 · 08/06/2013 09:25

I'd insist on talking to the parents. I've learned over the years that saying "Yes, if..." goes down much better than saying "No, because..." and can usually be used in exactly the same circumstances. So for example here, rather than saying "No, because I don't know the parents", you could say "OK, yes, if you can arrange for me to speak to the parents first". You get the same outcome (i.e. she doesn't go unless you can be reassured she's safe) but she gets a bit more control and a chance to arrange things so you are both happy.

usualsuspect · 08/06/2013 09:35

If she's willing to let you speak to the parents, then yes I would let her go.

SacreBlue · 08/06/2013 09:48

I trust my 14yo completely if you don't trust your GD then flow's suggestion seems very sound to me - and let GD know that this is building up trust between you if it goes well because you will need that trust going into mid/late teens.

BackforGood · 08/06/2013 10:11

I too trust my 14 yr old dd, so I would let her - I think she's got good instincts for people and I know she's open and honest.
ds, on the other hand.........

secretscwirrels · 08/06/2013 10:49

I've learned never to say no outright, because with a teenager it's just as with a toddler it's a mistake to back down and give in when you've said no. It's often difficult when presented with a new, unexpected or even outrageous request but I always say I'll consider it. That gives you time to ask for more details, in this case a simple call to the mum is probably all that would be needed to put your mind at ease.
Added to which you would be dropping her off and could meet the mum.
I have also learned that many plans actually don't come to fruition (though I suspect this is more a boy thing) and I've wasted hours agonising over nothing.

Original poster
50BalesOfHay · 08/06/2013 11:22

Hmm, lots to think about. I'll speak to the dad, and maybe a couple of parents of the other girls and see what I think. Thanks for your perspectives, it helps.

OP posts:
Original poster
50BalesOfHay · 08/06/2013 11:26

Hmm, lots to think about. I'll speak to the dad, and maybe a couple of parents of the other girls and see what I think. Thanks for your perspectives, it helps.

OP posts:
cory · 08/06/2013 11:42

I don't insist on meeting the parents, but that's because I trust dd; she is very truthful about the kind of activity that is likely to be going on, has good judgment and (on past evidence) will ring us on the mobile if things seem to be getting beyond her to handle.

But as a general rule, I think the advice about not saying yes or no immediately is excellent.

Original poster
50BalesOfHay · 08/06/2013 12:15

Sorry if this is drip feeding, I didn't includie it in my op as I can't decide whether its relevant or whether I should treat her like any other just turned 14 year old.

She had a baby 9 weeks ago (who I'm happy to look after) but her pregnancy was the result of her mother failing to protect her during contact. Social services are involved due to her age.

I'm torn between the need to protect her and her need to still be a teenager. Would this info change your view? I'm very torn,and if I fail to protect her the consequences are high. The host dad is a friend of gd's mother. WWYD?

OP posts:
jellybeans · 08/06/2013 12:17

I'm overprotective but would still let DD go at that age. From high school I didn't know the parents but dropped DD off so knew where she was and she had her mobile.

5madthings · 08/06/2013 12:22

O was going to say what flow sais but your update changes that. Yes she needs to be a teen but if safeguarding is an issue then you really do need to speak to and know the parents hosting the sleepover.

RandomMess · 08/06/2013 12:22

I would definately want to speak to the host dad in those circumstances and be truthful with him at just how important it is that it is going to be girls only and not have the opportunity to be going out and anything happening to your gd again. I assume she could end up in care or similar?

Original poster
50BalesOfHay · 08/06/2013 12:43

We are trusted to safeguard, but if I get it wrong then we won't be! I'm sticking with my gut instinct I think on this one, I think I've got to err on the side of caution. Maybe in a few months time, and in the meantime I could try to get to know the dad.

OP posts:
SuperiorCat · 08/06/2013 14:17

Like 5madthings I would have said ok with provisos but the latest post does change it as IIRC there are different safeguarding expectations for looked after children from a SS perspective.

lljkk · 08/06/2013 14:27

Not on your Nelly. The pregnancy is very relevant, proves how vulnerable she is.
Her Bio-Dad should be putting foot down too, no?

cory · 08/06/2013 14:51

Agree with everybody else: evidence of vulnerability absolutely changes the situation.

mummytime · 08/06/2013 14:59

So you have a SW? I would discuss issues like this with them too.

lljkk · 08/06/2013 15:01

With or without the pregnancy I would still have said No, but open to negotiation like "Let me drop you off and meet the adults" kind of thing.

KatyDid02 · 08/06/2013 15:03

Like others, I would discuss it with the SW. I would let my DD go but if she was in the same situation as your GD then I would be inclined to say no.

amazingmumof6 · 08/06/2013 15:05

no, I wouldn't let her either under those circumstances you described.

flow4 · 08/06/2013 16:22

50, the circumstances change everything. If you were foster carers, anyone you arranged to have care of her would need to be police-checked, wouldn't they? Is that still the case with you being family carers?

It's one to discuss with children's social services, I think.

Original poster
50BalesOfHay · 08/06/2013 19:15

Compromise achieved, they're all here instead. Wine time for me, I thinks

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/06/2013 19:55

Glad compromise was achieved Smile

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