*please* help with my emotionally challenged teen

[annaz1978]

hello I wondered if anyone has any advice for me im at my wits end with my 13 year old daughter.
she has add and asd is very easily led and is also very immature for her age she has been self harming for around three years since her great grandad passed away she has recently started to pinch and hide small things from me and her older sister and I had to fetch her from the security guards at our local shopping centre for pinching a mascara a few months ago
she also just started to go out with a 17 year old lad which I obviously dont agree with and have had to ground her (even though I told her it was for somethin else so not to push her more towards him) I just dont know what to do whenever I try and calmly talk to her she just kicks off and either punches a wall self harms or breaks somethin she has low self esteem and clings to anyone who shows her any attention ive had to turn the internet off because she has been talking rudely to other lads and arranging to meet up with them even though thank god she never goes through with it im still worried one day she will please help I suffer with anxiety and depression and don't know how much more I can take x
regards a stressed out mom and dad

Well the first thing you need to do is put a stop to going out with the 17 year old. This sounds like a car crash waiting to happen and my guess is that she'll be pregnant in no time.

I am not usually one to panic about teenaged girls going out with boys three or four years older, but in this case the age gap is too big, too soon. Your daughter is not emotionally mature or mentally stable enough to be able to cope with the demands of such a relationship. If she won't listen then the boy (or his parents) need to be made to see that your daughter is vulnerable, and it is inappropriate for him to pursue this.

Be very very vigliant about the possibility that she may soon be having sex and get her an injection or an implant - not the pill!

How are things at school?

vigilant, not vigliant!

yes I totally agree I have put a stop to it without her knowing (no internet and grounding) as im scared of making it seem more fun and going behind my back if I confront her
I never thought of going to the lads parants I think that will be my next step and sounds like a good idea as he doesnt care whay I think
she has camhs this afternoon and I was going to approach putting her on the injection as pregancy is a big worry for us with how nieve she is
she currently goes to a pru school as mainstream school wasnt capeable of dealing with her emotional needs and couldnt stop her self harming in school she is very bright academically but struggles socially and got into fights and bad situations
any confrontation seems to trigger self harm and its hard to approach difficult subjects with her without it turning into an argument or her thinking im picking on her thank you for your quick reply it was very much apeciated

I agree in this case that the 17 year old boy should be advised - along with his parents - that it is wildly inappropriate for him to be in a relationship with a vulnerable child and I wouldn't be mincing my words.

I think you would be also be entirely reasonable to really push hard with CAMHS for some additional professional help and support for your DD, and for your family.

Your DD does deep down actually want you to set boundaries and to keep her safe, even if it doesn't seem so most of the time. (IME.)

Is anyone at the PRU of any help, by the way?

what is a pru school? It is like a referral unit?

PRU = pupil referral unit. They should have expertise in all sorts of social, emotional and behavioural difficulties.

The son of a person I know went to a PRU and she was very complimentary about the staff - 'I feel I've got my son back'. However other parents have pretty negative views.

camhs went brilliantly they are arranging for the implant with my gp and are sorting extra therapy with a social skills worker as well as grief cauncling to see if they can get to the root of the problem
the pru school is a pupil referal unit and are great :-) i spoke to them earlier and all teachers are being made aware of the situation and are all trained in sychology skills as well as teaching so they should be able to offer some guidence inside school
while I was at camhs today I saw an advert for a self help group for parents with kids that have asd which I think I may attend will be nice to speak face to face with moms going through the same thing as sometimes I feel quite alone and like im a "bad mom" even though deep down I know I do my best
I found the lads parants on facebook and have sent a message hopefully will hear a supportive message from them soon
thank you all so much just talking to someone has helped im so glad I joined this group :-) x

Also there is a longer thread on this board for the parents of troubled teenagers started by Maryz which is very supportive. And lots of other threads.

Glad CAMHS was helpful today.

Let us know how the boys parents respond if they do

You're a fab mum doing the best for your daughter. She's a vulnerable child who sounds far too immature to be in a sexual relationship regardless of age! Good

Sorry

Good on you for getting her on contraception though as I imagine the consequences of pregnancy would be absolutely devastating for her, even more so than most girls her age.

I'm very glad the pru are supporting you both in this.

great news the lads mom answered me apoligising and assured me that all contact will stop :-)
I also had a message off the lad apoligising and said he would delete her number and block her on facebook so moms mission sucessful a big sigh of relief and a massive weight off my shoulders for now thank you all again its been a massive help x

That's good news. Be prepared for your daughter to be very angry with you if it gets back to her that you may have had a hand in this. Hopefully he won't tell her but you can't be sure.

I agree with what LineRunner said, seek oout the support threads for those with troubled teens. They are incredibly supportive and experienced on there.