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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Dd Friendship problems, experienced mums help me

20 replies

Drywhiteplease · 05/06/2013 23:08

My dd is in year 7. I'm so proud of her and how she's really done so well settling in,joining clubs,teams,working hard,making friends..........or so it seems until recently she's been a bit down and last night and tonight had an emotional melt down about a couple of " friends" in her group blanking her, making bitchy comments about doing well etc.
she's a friendly,happy girl and I've always encouraged her to have lots of friends but she is feeling left out, that they are not inviting her to weekend things and, as they do, talking about heir plans infront of her.
She had her 7 friends for a sleepover a couple of weeks ago and they all got on well and seemed to have a great time.
She doesn't want to talk to any of them because she thinks they will take the mickey out of her for being a drama queen and she doesn't want them to invite her because they feel sorry for her....but if she doesn't say anything she won't solve the problem.
She says she can't just "find new friends" because groups have been formed etc.
I've said she should organise a meet up in town or at the cinema but she's scared Incase none of them want to go.
I feel as if my sunny,happy, gregarious dd is retreating into herself and going to become a sad solitary child.
How can I help her?
Will it just blow over?
Am I being over sensitive and should just get a thicker skin?
I could do with some advice please.

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 05/06/2013 23:17

it is normal teens stuff, be there to listen and don't make to many suggestions as she will want the listening bit but not feel under pressure from you to do as you suggest, make sure you listen a lot and dont' talk.

Does your dd have out of school stuff and friends?

dd2 does a lot of sport and has a wide circle of friends away from school and I have found this has made a big difference - yes she falls out with school friends but it never impacts that much as she has so many other friends she spends time with out of school and doing sleep overs. dd1 never had this and the impact was greater if she feel out with school friends

dd2 is now in year 9 and most of her sleep overs are one friend from school and two from outside school

it will blow over so never say to much about these friends as they may be over for tea next week

Original poster

Drywhiteplease · 05/06/2013 23:27

ivy thank you so much, just what I need to hear. She has out of school friends and does sport out of school too......so I guess I just need to be here for her. Bloody hard parenting girls. My DS (14) has never had this at all......some boys just seem to get on with it, much simpler.

OP posts:

BOF · 05/06/2013 23:31

It honestly will blow over- years 7 and 8 are awful for it, but they just have to go through it. Stick with being your lovely approachable self, reassure her, and try not to intervene unless it gets really hideous.

BackforGood · 05/06/2013 23:35

I think there's a lot of changes take place in friendship groups over Yrs 7 and 8. They grow apart sometimes and grow into new interests.
Just listen and nod, but don't get involved, and, as Ivy said, encourage her to keep up friendships from other places.

ggirl · 05/06/2013 23:41

Yup agree with the other posters , yrs 7 and 8 are horrendous yrs for girls falling out .
Dd went through very similar things.
Leave them to it and be a shoulder to cry on.
I used to tell dd to remember how it feels to be ostracised by others and not do it to others.
My dd is now 21 ,her group of friends became solid by about yr 10/11.Lots of changes up till then.

teenagetantrums · 05/06/2013 23:57

It will blow over, and in my experience happen again and again, I have given up getting involved now my daughter is 16, in fact I wont even talk about it any more, one day they all hate each other next day they are all friends. At year 7 I would listen, maybe plan something for you and her at the weekend and tell her to ignore the other girls, if they are trying to annoy her and not getting a reaction they will be more upset.

Cerisier · 06/06/2013 05:54

My 17YO is having friendship issues this week after months and months of everything being ok. All it takes is one drama queen to upset everyone and it starts again. DD gets very drained by the emotional stuff as she is calm and logical and can't understand it at all.

It is a long haul OP .

Original poster

Drywhiteplease · 06/06/2013 07:56

Cerisier "calm and logical" is how I'd describe dd who said " I look and see other groups having fun and laughing, that's how it should be with friends" I think it's one girl in particular....so hopefully DD will give her a wide berth.
You are all right and I really appreciate your advice. I'll just keep doing what I'm doing then and hope it blows over, sure it will. Tough though. Think I may stay on the teenager board for a while!

OP posts:

alpinemeadow · 06/06/2013 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cory · 06/06/2013 08:19

To your dd looking at it from the outside it looks like stable and happy friendship groups have formed that will last forever. With my experience of Yrs 7 and 8, this is extremely unlikely to be the case. Chances are most of those friendship groups will have broken up or changed their dynamics within the next 6 months. And even now within each of those groups there will be girls who are not feeling all that secure about their place in the group. It's an everchanging kaleidoscope at that age.

alpinemeadow · 06/06/2013 08:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

monikar · 06/06/2013 10:21

Drywhiteplease I agree with other posters, years 7 and 8 are notorious for friendship problems. I think some girls never grow out of the junior school nastiness and so it continues into year 7. Friendship groups change very rapidly at this stage, and I found that it wasn't until year 10 that my DD (17) made what I would call firm friends. They are all changing and maturing at different rates, so it takes a while for them to shake down and find secure friendships.

It's very hard as a mum when these things happen, and I think it hits us harder when they are at secondary school as we are naturally less involved - at junior school when they moan about someone we would know exactly who they were talking about and also would have an instinct from general conversation at the school gates, as to if others had similar problems. We can feel very isolated when they go into year 7 and it is difficult to know how best to help them. We are used to having all the answers and being able to sort everything out and make it better, and it's so difficult when we can't instantly fix things.

As others have said, I would listen to her concerns and encourage her to keep up with outside friendships.

You may also find that next year she is in different groups for subjects - they setted the children in year 8 for my DD so then she made friends with others who she had not really come across before.

Good luck, it's hard being a mum.

BastardDog · 06/06/2013 10:39

My dd is y7 and is having difficulties with friendships. It's good to read that its common at this age.

alpinemeadow · 06/06/2013 15:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Drywhiteplease · 06/06/2013 15:52

Gosh, so glad I asked your advice.

Dd does have lots of stuff going on outside school and is in teams within school too. She has good self esteem ( for now) and has been quietly chuffed at the nice things some friends have said about her netball and ( One Direction) piano playing!

The thing is, though, that it's the negative comments that she focuses on.

It seems to me that it's all immaturity and trying to be popular by belittling others, bigging yourself up, being loud,funny, a bit naughty, and appearing popular so no one challenges you at this stage.

With a bit of experience I guess they eventually calm down. I wouldn't describe it as bullying at this stage, just unpleasantness, but I am just upset and thought I'd ask.

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 06/06/2013 16:55

It is immaturity, but it is also hormones and raging hormones at that coursing through that makes life a bit difficult.

Can you imagine if you took a groups of 170 menopausal women and made them all work for the same company for 2 years, what the results would be....

never again after uni will so many people be surrounded by people of the same age going through the same bodily changes in such an intense environment whilst the body make such large changes

there is bound to be some turbulence

scherazadey · 06/06/2013 17:28

Girls are absolutely horrible to each other. DD1 aged 16 has changed her friendship group countless times since year 7 and now has a nice stable group of about 10 girls/boys she spends all her time with. DD2 aged 12 in year 7 is still friends with girls from primary school atm but I can see it all starting to shift. Some of them get into boys very early and they split off with their different interests. Just be supportive and don't slag off the other girls because she might hate them today but next month they'll be friends again and round for tea......

Original poster

Drywhiteplease · 06/06/2013 20:36

179 menopausal woman working together for 2 years...... great analogy ivy.
Dd came home a bit happier today...no tears yet this evening. She mentioned it to a friend she felt she could trust, it seems she's not the only one who feels the way she does.

OP posts:

starfish4 · 07/06/2013 09:46

My daughter is in year 7 and since December there have constantly been fallouts, from what I can gather it's very common. My daughter can be very direct, but reason for the arguments aren't e her fault (I'm lucky to know the two Mums of her closest friends, and one in particular has been really supportive and passes on everything she knows about whats happending), just a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Many people have also told me that by year 8 it's not uncommon to have a different set of friends. When they were at primary school they only had contact with girls in their class, but now they come across so many and find their are other girls who have more in common.

I got really upset about it and have tried to steer her in the right direction. When arguments were at their worst I did say to keep her options open, ie try and work at existing friendships, but try and build on new ones, that way there's always someone around at break times. It's not easy though, is it?

Original poster

Drywhiteplease · 08/06/2013 15:00

starfish I feel exactly like you. The end of the week has been better though. I need to toughen up,

OP posts:

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