Just don't know what to do this time, teen son

[shushmonster]

My DS15 who is no longer in mainstream school he attends maths and English GCSE classes quite happily 2 days a week. He is supposed to attend college 1 day a week but pretty much refuses to do this. Today he came home early from his maths class, he has been a bit chesty with asthma so wasn't entirely surprised.

Within half an hour of getting in his mate turned up I had said I would get him some over the counter meds when I picked up DS3 up from nursery but because he has been caught stealing from me before using mates as lookout I came straight back, I don't trust him alone in the
house. He wasn't happy about this.

Two more friends then turn up I told him he wasn't having a house full and if he went out I would switch his phone off. He knows if you don't go to school you don't go out and it's standard for me to switch his phone off under these circumstances.

He left with his friends so I had the sim card switched off 5 mins later he comes back to get a drink (had got some beechams tablets from somewhere) I asked him if he was staying he said no I said your phone will stay off then he replied something about not going to school again I said fine it's your life your ruining. He threw an armchair over, kicked the sofa ran upstairs pulled a large picture off the wall and smashed it and the light fitting above into many pieces (all this with his little brother in the house) he stormed out after this.

H came back again after 5 mins effing and blinding packing stuff in a back pack shouting that he wasn't coming back I put his little brother in the car don't really know why, the dog then ran off and by the time I got the dog in he had left again.

40 minutes later his friend rings asking can DS come back I spoke to DS said I was shocked he thought it was ok to smash my house up and then get his friend to call. I told him it wasn't like he was never welcome back but I thought he should stay away for a few days. I think I've made the right decision but I don't know where he will go and his phone is off so I can't ring him.

This is not the first incident like this. I don't really know what I'm asking here just maybe what would you do in this situation, should I make him stay away for a few days? Could I get into trouble with ss. I start off being angry and determined now I'm just confused and feel anxious. Sorry this is long and thanks in advance.

tbh it sounds as though you may need some help either from Social Services, CAMHS or other.

Why isn't he in mainstream school?

Has he anywhere to go? Is there a relative or anyone that can have him for a few days, you certainly need the break.

Other than that let him stay with friends for a few days. Do keep his phone switched off.

I hope someone comes along soon with better advice. I feel for you and truly hope things improve soon.

No advice really, but very sorry you are going through this. BTW how do you switch his phone off? Could be useful.....

I think I would ask for help because at 15 your son is too young to be able to cope without support, and he may get into further difficulties just dossing down with mates.

I think it would be fine for him to stay with a friend for a few days - just to give you both time to reflect on what's going on.

But perhaps the two of you need some professional advice about how to go forward in the longer term.

Sorry you are going through this but hes only 15 so you have to let him come home unless he is somewhere safe.

Are you getting help with him?

I'd switch his phone back on, you need to be able to communicate with him.

Sorry you've had a crappy day shushmonster, but I think this is too much for you to manage on your own. Can you let the school know whats happened, are the college supportive? do either have some sort of counseling/support for you both. I think I would give SS a ring just so see what they suggest as he is only 15. I'm presuming that as he's not in full time education at 15 it's because he can't assess the curiculum for some reason...

I'd love to know how do you turn the sim off...

He is currently at his girlfriends he has been on the phone asking to come home. I didn't say yes or no just that it was not acceptable to behave like that and that I thought this was the point we needed outside help. He refused to accept this but then he always says no to any new idea at first.

He is not in school because of his behaviour in class and his complete disrespect to most teachers. We had a lot of intervention from the school but it was not very helpful to be honest. It's not as if they didn't try it's just that nothing worked. Although there was one guy who he really seemed to respond to but he was only there 2 terms.
It's almost as if he realised that he didn't have to go to school if he didn't want and pushed that idea to the limit.

I definitely think it's time for outside help. I asked at school for a referal to a child psychologist but this never happened. I will go and speak to GP and his Education welfare officer.

Oh and turning the sim off is easy as the contract is in my name I call the phone company and say I have misplaced my phone, I'm sure it's not lost but just to be safe until I find it would they turn it off. They always say yes no problem and seem concerned for me. ( I do feel a bit bad for accepting their sympathies but hey ho at least I have the power of the phone ) then you just call them again and say you have found it. I have done this many times, they must think I'm a complete idiot.

I will probably end up bringing him home from his girlfriends later but I really need to get it across to him that this behaviour is not acceptable. It breaks my heart that he can be so aggressive.

So sorry you are having to experience this with your DS.

I have had similar times with my Ds and understand how stressful it can be. I think you are right to set your limits. He needs to understand that it is completely unacceptable to smash up the house.

The friend calling and the fact that you know where he is all demonstrate that on some level he does care.

I'd warn him that if he ever kicks off like that again that you will call the police, and if he does then call them.

My Ds was prone to similar behaviour. The last time he lost it so badly on a drug comedown that I called the emergency doctor as I thought he might need sectioning... Ds was furious with me for doing it but hasn't kicked off like that since.

Thanks MuchBrighter I know that he does have a caring side and feels terrible about what he has done now. I just need him to understand that it is never acceptable to behave in that way, I do not want to send an angry young man out into the world.

I wonder does anyone have one any success stories of outside intervention helping in this situation. Nothing so far has.

I know that calling the police is the right thing to do if it happens again, I cannot imagine that is an easy thing to do though.

Hope things are better with your DS.

Shushmonster I'll share may story with you which may or may not help.

My son was at his absolute worst at 15, he's now 17 and is doing ok.

I was extremely lucky that we both had loads of support from both sides of the family. We had both private and public psychology help but there was nothing psychological wrong with him.

He basically didn't want to go to mainstream school, was taking drugs and drinking.

Here are the things I did:
He went to live with his father as that way I could keep him away from his druggy 'friends'.
I took him out of mainstream school and got him into a school for other kids that can't 'do' mainstream school.
I spent time with him away from my home, McDonalds etc.
And finally he grew up, got a bit of sense and has other friends now.

As I said he's doing ok, he's loves the school he's in now and hopefully he'll stay there for another year. He now flits between me and his dad and things are miles better. I truly hope things get better for you both soon, but it may take another year or so for him to grow up a bit.