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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Warning: TMI

48 replies

witchofmiddx · 03/06/2013 13:33

Please be gentle with me as i am feeling rather sick & queasy. Ds only just 13. Just put my head round door and found him 'doing the deed' whilst looking at his mobile phone. i wish i hadn't. I don't think he saw me. Is this not a little young or am i just being naive? He has not shown any interest in girls at all. His phone has a password, after i recover from my shock i am going to think of what i can do to block unsavoury sites. Is 13 not too young though??!!

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 05/06/2013 10:57

But that IS the same as saying oh well he will see a porn mag so I might as all buy him them myself.

I think this is strong indicator of how main stream porn has become now.

Jimalfie · 05/06/2013 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Northumberlandlass · 05/06/2013 11:20

iPhones are content locked automatically for porn and you need to unlock via your / his provider. I had mine unlocked & I had to prove I was account holder / over 18 and had to give credit card details to prove it.....

I don't think this covers a random search of 'boobs' though!!

Mabelface · 05/06/2013 11:40

Just to add, I have had a good conversation with all my kids about the porn industry, including how a very good portion of participants are not there voluntarily, how it's fueled by drugs, money, trafficking and does not represent normal sex. I've also pointed out that these sites can be ridden with viruses.

valiumredhead · 05/06/2013 12:05

Why isn't it the same?

sanityseeker75 · 05/06/2013 14:13

Well I am a realist, if he is not looking at porn on his phone he will be looking at it round his mates - I know that when I was young there were porn mags in bushes and kids that went searching through mom and dads bedrooms to look at it.

I would rather him know that he can talk to me and be honest with me about sex than think that I am uneducated and it be something secretive and dirty. I have been telling him since he had sex ed at school that condoms are essential and that it is for protection against STD but also because he does not want to be in a situation that he is a father to early and paying emotionally and financially before he has chance to have his own life and experiences. I would like to think that I am educating him to be respectful of other women.

Kids come across sex/drugs/alcohol at a far younger age than what I did and I want him to know that I will be open to have conversation than purely gossip and hearsay.

valiumredhead · 05/06/2013 14:42

I'm a realist too. Ds will look at porn, just like we did at school BUT I will not be buying it for him via his phone.

Wrt sex ed etc, ds has known about sex/how babies were made from a very young age as I never wanted to just land The Big Talk on him.

He knows about diseases/condoms/drugs as I have always been very open. He often asks me questions and knows I will answer them honestly.

Allow him to access porn on his phone at 13? Not at chance in hell.

sanityseeker75 · 05/06/2013 15:05

valiumredhead I did not mean to infer that you were not a realist.

As I said in my OP I was not aware that he thought of sex at all and that was me being blinkered clearly.

I also don't recall saying that I had not put steps in place to limit his access?

When I said "if he was old enough to look at it he was old enough to talk about it" that was in no way condoning but my way of saying to him there is no way to wriggle out of this conversation.

When I said "the best part" clearly I was not saying how thrilled I was.

What I was referring to was how I handled that particular instance and also that I want him to understand that he can have an open conversation with me.

But all that said he is a very bright lad and where there is a will there is a way and that is what I meant by I am a realist and that I would rather talk to him than continue to be blinkered.

DiaryOfAWimpyMum · 05/06/2013 15:14

My Ds is only just 13 and I found condoms, thankfully I have read MN so he is simply having a 'posh wank' I would have been v confused as he doesn't have a girlfriend and has had no girls here.

DC2 spotted it though and thinks something bad is happening so I need to talk to DS1 and ask him to be more discreet.

Wish me luck

sanityseeker75 · 05/06/2013 15:20

DiaryOfAWimpyMum Oh dear and good luck

felicity1971 · 05/06/2013 15:27

DS is 13 and has internet access on iphone ipad and laptop like most boys his age. We talk all the time and have discussed sex and girls and porn has come up in the conversation. Agree with other posters, talk about it so they understand that this is not what sex with real girls is like. And clearly its not to be encouraged but they will obviously access it on their friends phone if they can't get it on theirs.

valiumredhead · 06/06/2013 08:06

diary are you sure he is having a 'posh wank?'

sanity It's ok, difference of opinions that's all.

BastardDog · 06/06/2013 10:56

My ds started this behaviour at 12, using his phone in his bedroom.

I disabled his wifi access (he doesn't have the modem password) and O2 automatically block access to the 18+ websites he was using. Only way to unblock is to call O2 and provide proof, in the form of a credit card, that you are over 18. So now he can have Internet access through his phone, via 3G, but not access the 18+ sites. Laptops and tablets have K9 web protection installed.

He still does the deed. Dd walked in on him doing it while watching Beyonce on the music channel.

I guess he has the option of viewing porn via friends computers and phones, but I felt strongly that at 12 he wasn't using the wifi I pay for and the phone I bought him to spend hours in his bedroom viewing hard core porn. I've also had several chats with him about porn being different to real relationships. I think he was mortified I knew and that I spoke about it so openly. I guess he thought old people like me didn't know about stuff like that.

musickeepsmesane · 06/06/2013 11:05

Another informative mumsnet thread. Though I know 13 isn't too young I never really thought about the, well ,the processes before. Thanks for the socks tip! Yeuch. I am not very techy savvy and it would not have occurred to me to monitor the phone. Though my teenager is all angst ridden cos I just don't let him have a mobile. Another learning curve for me.

DiaryOfAWimpyMum · 06/06/2013 12:11

Yes I'm sure, he started last year but was using his t-shirt, I placed some tissues in his bedroom but his friend told him about using condoms, I asked last night, after I found a HUGE box of flavoured, coloured, ribbed and I'm sure there are other types so I just stopped looking.

I spoke to him last night and said whilst it was good he had bought them he is only 13 so will not be using them until he is nearer 18, he laughed at this.

I ended the conversation asking him to be more careful where he leaves them and to stop throwing them out his window after using them or playing with them or whatever he does with them and tell his friends to quit throwing them on my bed. (Im sure this is because I am a single parent - they would never do this if there was a man here )

He is staying in tonight so I will talk more to him, we had had a chat about porn and the girls not actually enjoying it and it all being fake and not what real sex is. (which confused him further)

I'm unsure if he believes me so I may talk more about that tonight.

Catbert4pm · 06/06/2013 12:22

I only have a DD and really didn't get the first reference to socks. I got it on, I think, on the second mention. Cat was looking quite alarmed as I sat on the sofa shouting eugh, eugh, eugh!!!!!

Thank heavens for little girls (as the song goes) - though they have their own laundry challenges!

Original poster

witchofmiddx · 07/06/2013 15:34

I have spoken to my ds and told him that i will be installing Net Nanny.. apparantly made all his friends' day at school yesterday, they all had a good laugh. He has browsers i don't even know about and can change his password at any time. DH said Porn is all over utube, it seems if they are internet savvy they can get round anything.

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 07/06/2013 15:43

Yes he can change his password at anytime and that's why you need to do random checks and if it is changed there needs to be consequences imo.

flow4 · 07/06/2013 18:14

Masturbation at 13 is perfectly normal. Porn at 13 worries me. I'm not keen on porn at any age tbh, but if they encounter it so young, I suspect it shapes their expectations and their views of what's 'normal', in unhealthy ways...

sashh · 08/06/2013 08:34

K9 is free parental control and easy to instal.

BastardDog · 08/06/2013 09:25

I've installed K9 on the devices I allow them to have in their rooms. It's quite restrictive for older children in that it doesn't allow things like You Tube and social Networking sites, but if they want to use those sites they can do it on our non restricted devices downstairs where I can keep half an eye on them.

K9 also stops them from accessing the Internet via other browsers.

bettycocker · 13/06/2013 09:31

Just be aware that there are tutorials online to show teenage boys how to get around parental controls. There is even a site called something like get around my school firewall.com.

We used parental controls and found that DS was using proxy servers and all kinds of technical jiggery pokery.

scherazadey · 13/06/2013 10:27

Yes also be aware as someone said previously that if they access porn via twitter it wont necessarily come up in the history. I tested this with a lovely one my son was following on Twitter called 'I like sex daily' and it just says I am on Twitter in my pc history page.

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