New to board - would be VERY grateful for honest opinions - teenage daughter

[mummy250271]

Hi, I have a 13 yr old daughter and I am so worried about her, she seems happy at school but at weekends/holidays she never seems to be invited out or want to go out. She has a group of friends and whenever she asks if she can join them they either happily accept or all start making excuses as to why she can't go. Tonight she has found out they are all having a sleepover and she hasn't been invited (despite them all sleeping here last week). I just want her to be happy and I admit it probably bothers me more than it does her. Should I be worried or is she still too young to be out all the time anyway. Please be brutally honest with me lol x

This happened to me on many occasions at the same age. It did upset me, but my mum always reminded me that there were better friends out there and that secondary school only lasts 5 years.

I would always keep that last bit in my mind. I was just one of those teenagers who came into themselves when I went to college. I stood up for myself more and found like minded friends.

I'm a secondary school teacher now, and girls can be mean. I see it on a daily basis, sadly. Maybe encourage her to meet new people in different clubs?

Girl friendships can be a minefield and I think if your dd doesn't have any ups and downs at some point in their school life then they are really lucky.

Does your dd have clubs/hobbies/activities she goes to outwith this group of friends? Perhaps widening her circle of friends would help.
Would she be up for that with your support?
Athletics, guides, young embroiderers guild can have activities at the weekend/holidays. Guides inparticular can involve sleepovers at camp.

I was going to say has she thought about Guides, as someone's already mentioned? - it's great for them to have a friendship group out of school, or even make friends with people from their own school but from different peer groups.

Thank you for your answers. She claims she just mixes with everybody at school and seems quite content but I just worry too much maybe. I just feel she is a little lonely, the more I ask her and try to talk the more she gets annoyed with me and says "I am ok" !!!

I also have a 13yr old dd. Mine has been really lucky with her group of friends but I remember from my own school days how horrible girls can be.

One thing I would say is that they don't need to be doing something EVERY weekend and its good for them to have some family time and some me time too.

The other thing is as the others have said it's really
healthy for them to have other friends. Mine is a Scout and a Young Leader with the Cubs. She also plays
guitar and is in a choir. If she is happy maybe you should try not to worry too much.

Ooh, being left out of the sleepover is horrid. I have a 13 yo dd and I've written many a post about her lack of friends
Your dd might genuinely be happy but on the other hand she might find it hard to admit she's feeling lonely or left out.
Clubs, drama groups, Guides are all good suggestions.

DD was the same at that age. She joined Sea Scouts and made lots of friends with the same interests. Life changed for her when she left school and went to 6th form college.

I found reading Queen Bees and Wannabes very helpful. Good luck, it's a lonely age and girls can be vile.

Is your DD in year 8 or 9? When they start their options in year 10, I found that my DD was in lots of different groups for subjects and so very quickly made a lot of new friends.

Girls can be horrible to each other and it must be very hard for you to see her being left out of things. Friendship groups change at this age - other posters have made good suggestions on activities. If she can get involved in something outside school she will feel less dependant on these other girls, and so will be less bothered by their behaviour.

Thank you everyone for your suggestions/advice. I have spent the day shopping and having lunch with dd and she seems to be fine. I guess I worry much more than she does lol x Monikar she is year 8, so hopefully the options advice will soon kick in x

mummy250271 - some great suggestions already given - especially about having friends outside school. My dd had more trouble with being left out in junior school, but it was horrible at the time. I think it's healthy if they have different friends and hopefully the situation will change for her. My dd is now nearly 18 and is happy and confident. She went to 6th form college and made a new set of friends as well as the ones she already had from senior school - so got through the difficult patch when she was younger, in the end. All you can do is keep the lines of communication open to make sure she is OK.

Thank you Whitecloud x

Try not to project your anxieties on her though: a worried parent can easily end up giving her teen the idea that there is something fundamentally wrong with them because they don't have a social life that lives up to the idea of what teens should be like. Be there to listen if she needs you but don't keep prodding.

Ime teens are all different, but many teens go through stages of relative loneliness, as people develop in different directions and friendship groups change. Both mine went through a phase of relative isolation at the start of secondary: both are fine now, with new friends and new interests. I was lonelier for longer and only really came out of my shell at university. But it hasn't done any longterm harm.

What I wish somebody had said to me at the time: "This does not say anything about you as a person or what the rest of your life is going to be like. If you wish to change it now, because you are not happy, then there are ways you can do that (clubs etc) and you might want to look into that. But in any case, a social life is not some kind of last night train that you have to catch now or never. It is never to late to start a new life."

She could be on the introvert side and not want to go out all the time.

Listen to what she says. If she tells you she's content, let her be.

I agree with others you have suggested outside interests that will let her mix with others - army or airforce cadets are good, some kind of music lessons might lead to group stuff (if she learnt guitar there are lots of kids around that age or a bit older starting bands), art groups, drama classes, sports clubs, dance, horseriding, waterports. Maybe something you could join together if she is shy - persuade her along to keep you company .

If she tells you she's content, I'd let her be, in your situation, iyswim, is what I meant.
But then I'm rather introvert myself, so a hectic social life doesn't sound fun to me.

She might like things the way they are now, but will change in the future?

I had exactly the same problem with my daughter, almost mirroring yours, what I did was I became a youth group leader and she eventually came along with me and met the nicest bunch of friends ever. Your daughter is getting a little old for guides but go along to Explorer Scouts for 13 and a half to 18 year olds, it was the making of my girl and me to be honest but she would not have gone alone so i did it via the back door so to speak I joined first and kept telling her about the fun we had and she asked to come along after about 4 weeks and she has really NEVER looked back, I have now packed in and she still loves it.

I was the same at 13. Honestly, I was happy not to be invited because I generally didn't like most of the girls that much and it was easier than making excuses or going and being miserable all evening!

I came into my own at 18, when I left home and got my independence and met people who I connected with. If she says she's okay, believe her. It's also possible that she's in introvert and just likes her own company, and that's okay too :)

She has a group of friends and whenever she asks if she can join them they either happily accept or all start making excuses as to why she can't go.

This really jumped out at me. How come she has to ask if she can join her own friends? It sounds to me as if she is not really a member of this group but they tolerate her sometimes and are happy to accept your hospitality. She needs to look for a group who will be real friends to her. The sort of treatment she is receiving from these girls right now couldn't possibly be doing her self esteem any good so the sooner she finds an alternative the better. You will know she has real friends when she doesn't have to ask to join them.

have you ever read 'Queen Bees and Wannabees' by Rosalind Wiseman?

my dd is just 14 now. she never does stuff with girls from school at weekends. she is, and I think they are too, busy with other stuff ( in her case m musical activities both days). in the holidays she tends to meet with friends from primary or that she met through music rather than school.

I did worry she had no friends despite her saying otherwise, but her birthday movie fest with pizza and your body weight in Poundland snacks was attended by 6 Polite friendly girls.

I have 2 older kids and neither of them had a social life as such till year 11/ 6th form.

my dd is just 14 now. she never does stuff with girls from school at weekends. she is, and I think they are too, busy with other stuff ( in her case m musical activities both days). in the holidays she tends to meet with friends from primary or that she met through music rather than school.

I did worry she had no friends despite her saying otherwise, but her birthday movie fest with pizza and your body weight in Poundland snacks was attended by 6 Polite friendly girls.

I have 2 older kids and neither of them had a social life as such till year 11/ 6th form.