smoking and 13 year old ds

[Ghostsgowoooh]

I caught him smoking, in his room . I went nuts (as you would) he started crying and when we we both calmed down we had a talk about why he was doing it.

It turns out he has been smoking for a while and a lot of his mates smoke, Ive put consequences in, grounding, given him a lecture about how dangerous it is

He was very honest with me and said he feels anxious and stressed a lot (he has asd and adhd) and his relationship with his dad has hit an all time low and he is very upset about that. He has problems at school which are not helped by the schools attitude and lack of support and ds says smoking helps calm him down

I can't be angry with him, I just can't. I'm disapointed and upset that he has started to smoke but he has been through so much. He has struggled to accept his diagnosis of asd and its either his way or the highway.

All I can do is put in boundaries around the smoking, he never ever does it in front of me or the other dc, I will not be providing him with money to smoke and just hope he sees the light.

So come on I'm a fool aren't I? But Ive been through so much with ds, violence, aggression, truanting, asd diagnosis and so on that I just can't get worked up about the smoking (although it worries me yes) and he's only 13.

Oh I didn't see he has SN.
Sorry.

Smoking eventually I think would make him feel worse! I've been smoking since I was 15 I'm now 26 the addiction once you start never goes away even when you quit (I've quit twice for 2 years at a time) I have also noticed since smoking again I seem more stressed out so I know it's the smoking making me feel like this and alot of my smoker friends agree!

I will do Theone. I am going to get very cross with the school and the doctor. He's already under camhs but are crap too

I think it is easy to say don't stand for it but in reality with teens it is harder. I am very anti smoking and I think this definitely stuck with ds He was terrified of being caught and so was very restrained in his smoking and he still is very take it or leave it but I think really knowing and controlling what teens do is hard. I have turned up at the skate park unannounced twice in an emergency and I was shocked at all the smokers esp the little ones! I would withdraw money for sure and keep driving home the message but with his SN and age it will be a long road! They do see the light at around 16/17 with most silly teenage things but ime smoking seems to hang around a bit esp with girls.

Just to say... I stopped every penny of my DS's money for about 9 months, to try to prevent him smoking and buying other drugs. As a tactic, it failed completely: it made not one bit of difference to that, but he scrounged from friends, sold all his possessions, stopped eating lunch, didn't go to college on days he 'needed' to spend bus fares on tobacco, and took money from me until I started locking it up. It was an utterly miserable time. :(

He's still smoking (tobacco and weed) but he is starting to control his consumption because (a) he now also recognises how awful that time was, and doesn't want to repeat it, and (b) he's on a college course that (usually) motivates him to get up in the morning.

My dad died from lung cancer 6 years ago and it still hasn't deterred him but I suppose that's the addiction isnt it

Nehru no worries

I do have a child with SN who is 12 and quite anti smoking at the moment.

Both my ds dad (exh) and my dp smoke though, so i guess realistically this is a possibility

I dont really think its the worst thing they can do, so while i would disapprove, i wouldnt go mental over it. Id tell him i was disappointed and i wouldnt be funding it

I think us parents fail to realise that teenagers smoke because they genuinely feel it is one of the best things in their otherwise shit lives. The trouble with 'cracking down hard' is that you thereby make their lives worse, and increase their motivation to smoke. :( With hindsight, I now strongly believe that the best tactic is to make sure smoking is very definitely not seen as one of the 'best things in life', by helping them find plenty of other things they love. That's easier said than done, but I think it's the approach most likely to succeed.

flow4 that's how I think ds would be if I stopped all his money, I caught him stealing from my purse the last time I withdrew money. I'm glad your ds seems to be coming out the other side though, I am holding on to that thought that ds will come right in the end.

Noddy it astounds me just how much smoking is rife in ds year group, Ive seen them in town, on the street and he tells me who smokes and who doesn't. And a lot of them are kids whose parents are uberstrict, the last kids I would have though are into fags.

Ghosts I agree! I have laughed over the years at the kids of veggies eating burgers at my house and the sons of school councillors selling hash in the park! One mum 'caught' me coming out of McD's one day armed with a load of ice creams and said Oh no my Louis doesn't touch McD I have politicised him on that ( He was in our car awaiting one!)

Maryz my ds was also very anti smoking until he started. He hated it with a passion-until he tried it and saw his mates smoking

He's already on meds for adhd which has been a battle to get him to take those if I'm honest. Its certainly worth a try though even if I have to bribe him with something.

Thank you all again, though, for understanding. You have all given me hope and ways I can move forward with this

Is it worth getting him a book like the Allen Carr method of giving up smoking (if he says he wants to)?

It worked for me at 25. I think part of the allure for young people is that they think smoking makes them a maverick. I found it much easier to stop when I realised smoking was exactly what "the establishment" wanted me to do and was enriching people like Margaret Thatcher who had shares in BAT.

Appreciate this line of argument may be totally inapt for your son but thought I'd share just in case.

Noddy that made me chuckle

I was always very dismissive and said yuck to it if I ever found smoking stuff in his clothes. My son is very vain though which I think deters him as I drum in the ageing and teeth rotting aspect!

I started smoking around 12/13 gave up last year and end of may will be a year.

Could you buy him the Allan Carr easy way to stop smoking for teens? It's really quite interesting as he explains when you first start smoking it's actually more harder to stop then someone in their 50s who has been smoking for years.

I think our dc think they are invincible at their age, I know I did. Its only since I'm in my mid 30's and I've seen my dad die from lung cancer and my friend died 3 weeks ago from the same disease that I realise just how vulnerable we all are

I bet there was no irony from him Maryz.

You'll have to remind him what he said when he's grown up.

Ghost I'm mid thirties and part of me still thinks I'm invincible. It's very hard to get past the idea that it's only something that happens to unknown statistics.

I'm sending you a hug, just because life can be a bit shit sometimes.

I'm in my late 40s, and having to come to terms with the fact that I'm not immortal... :( As someone said: "Just as you start getting your head together, your body starts falling apart"!