Been caught stealing

[discothequewreck]

I'm not seeking answers as there probably aren't any, I just need to get this off my chest. My 14yr old has been a troublesome teen since he hit 12. Constant trouble at school, mouthy to teachers, endless detentions, lazy, arrogant, smoking etc etc. I've dealt with each situation as it has arisen with appropriate sanctions. All he seems interested in is his mates, smoking and girls. On the plus side, he is a very able student (although he rarely does any work atm), he comes home on time, hasn't come home drunk and as far I know, he doesn't use drugs.
Today I had a phonecall from the police to say that he was being held at a department store for shoplifting, could I go and fetch him? Turns out he had been in town with his mates and he picked up something in the shop and tried to walk out with it and was caught by security. They called the police. The store has decided not to prosecute this time but he has been given a lifetime ban in the store. The police officer is coming to my house tomorrow to get me to sign something explaining that if he gets caught doing anythnig again, he will be charged.

Obviously I had very stern words with him and told him his fate (no phone and grounding for at least a month depending on behaviour). This is his worse fate as all he ever wants to do is be with his mates. It does punish me and his siblings too as we are stuck in the house with him and his moods. He has said he will never do it again but I really dont feel any remorse from him, in fact, he's almost a bit smug that he 'got away with it' as he hasn't been charged.
I feel like I'm banging my head against a wall with him, nothing I say or do sinks in as he thinks he knows best and what would I know because I lead a boring life and I never take risks ~he says. Oh and the security man confiscated a bottle of vodka he had in his bag!
I want to scream at his stupidity.

On a different thread a poster said that the community resolution order her son received for criminal trespass has now prevented him from joining the police cadets.

I think that it is very difficult for teens (I have three teens so some experience) to understand consequences. This would be the lesson I would be reinforcing with OP's DS. 14 is a tricky age in that he is heading into GCSEs, career choices etc. Reputation starts to matter, being banned from a shop should be an embarrassment to him. I would be making sure that is something he doesnt forget. I would be emphasising the sneak thievery nature of his behaviour - he wont be getting a part-time job in a shop with a reputation as a shoplifter.

While he isnt there yet, he is on a slippery slope towards the consequences that Sassh described. Okay, convictions do become spent in most circumstances (but not all) but in the mean time they have to be declared.

Lay the consequences on with a trowel.

Another thought: is there someone who's good opinion of him your DS values? For my DS that wouldnt be DH and I but my brother, DS's uncle. DS would be mortified if his uncle found out that he had been caught thieving.

Is there someone like that for your DS? If so, is this someone who could talk to your DS?

I think the list that sashh has some very relavant bits to it.Especially to your son, who thinks he has got away with it. He hasnt though he doenst know it yet.
I did read the beginning of your op and think, well everything from that can be got over. ie at say aged 20, if he has got his act saoemwhat together, the stuff he did at 14 would be just a blip.
But with the shoplifting, I dont think it is any longer.

If he did properly understand the consequences, do you think he will care?

The only thing I can think of to do, that you havent already done is when he is calm, to ask him where he sees himself in 5 years time.

Disco my ds, who's 13, has recently been in trouble for stealing from the school canteen. Twice.
He had internal exclusion for a whole day at school (where they just sit in silence in a room and do very little all day. Horrible. They have to be escorted to the toilet. It's really grim).

I talked to him about the direct consequences. About when the canteen staff tally up and find they're short. They might be suspected. They're deemed to have failed in some way. I also talked about how, if people steal, the company providing the stock will have to price food higher to account for loss of profits. This means the other pupils (and of course parents) are having to pay more because of his selfishness.

I second the book Flow linked to (Get Out Of My Life). It's great.

Your ds sounds very like mine except mine is really great at home. He helps around the house, walks the dog, cooks etc ... but at school he's a nightmare. Showing off, lighting fires, smoking, cheeky to teachers. He tells me he 'becomes a different person' at school and doesn't understand it himself. It's extremely unhelpful that his friends think he's some kind of legend.

Good luck.

Something I might add to the consequences is lack of trust by close family & friends (get family in on this). He is a sneak thief (sorry but shoplifting is sneak thieving). How would he feel if people rather obviously put their purses/wallets/cash out of sight when he is around?

He needs to feel the loss of respect and trust of family and friends.

This needs to hurt.