She will be 14 in August. So young, but I feel it's over for us as a mother and daughter. She has rejected me as a parent and, like you Thereal, I feel bereft and an utter failure.
DH was away last week. Back now. She used the time he was away to threaten me, trash my room, refuse to go to school. I have done everything I can - been to CAMHS (we are awaiting family therapy to start), changed her school, stayed in close contact with her school. I've reasoned with her, begged her, pleaded with her. Yes, I've not done everything right. I have been overly critical (desperation - two years of her doing no school work and being rude to teachers, being aggressive/manipulative/bullying towards her younger brothers, disregarding every single request if it doesn't suit her to do what she's being asked) because 90% of the time I am at the point of tearing my hair out with her. She is comprehensively uncooperative with me. Every single failure as a parent - every silly comment made under duress (yesterday I made a rude comment about her friends' families being scuzzy for allowing a 13 year old to hang around at their house repeatedly for several hours after school without checking that their mother knows where they are) she will hang on to and recycle repeatedly. She repeats every single day - over and over again - that I am a shit parent, a useless mother, that other people laugh at me and pity me for having two children referred to CAMHS. She never lifts a finger to help at home. I don't think she's ever cleaned the toilet or pushed a hoover around voluntarily. She throws her rubbish on the floor and leaves dirty plates on the table. And then she repeatedly raises the fact that the house is messy and scruffy as evidence of what a shit parent I am, and how we are a failure as a family.
But what is happening now is that I find the whole thing has laid me - psychologically and emotionally - very, very low, and I feel like I can't go on any more. Today is DH's an my anniversary and I'd completely forgotten. He is angry with me for arguing with dd. He says I shouldn't engage her in arguments but he does himself when he is put in the position, as I usually am, of having to get her up for school and dealing with her when she gets home afterwards (if she's been). I'm still in the position of being responsible, legally and otherwise, to get up her to school, and to ensure her safety when she's not at school. She disappears off to people's houses who I don't know; she won't phone, she goes where she likes. If I take issue with her about it or ask her to explain herself she instantly becomes abusive. If I continue to engage with her, ask her questions about where she's been, explain to her why it's so important that she tells us where she is, this constitutes 'arguing'.
It feels like the final straw. I am so, so tired. I have an autistic 7 year old who can be very challenging and difficult. He is also obstructive and can't be easily persuaded to do the things he needs to do (like brush his teeth before leaving for school, put his uniform on, do his homework) if he is not of a mind to do it. And he often isn't - he has other priorities.
I can't imagine how we will live in this house for the next few years, with dd doing anything she likes, failing in education, being nasty and bullying to me and the other dc's, and then attacking me physically and emotionally every time I try to address her behaviour. How can we function as a family? I just can't see a way.
My head feels like a big bubble of nothingness and I can't stop crying. I'm not answering the phone and I want to go to bed and hide. I've had enough. 