16 year old daughter stormed out

[amet]

my nearly 17 year old has had anger problems for years she recently had an assessment by cahms and was referred for anger management but as she is over 16 i have no authority to compel her to attend and she refused to contact them back or go to any of the courses they advised so they discharged her as she will not help herself. well the last 2 weeks she has become progressively more verbally and physically abusive untill yesterday i took her mobile phone off her for her behaviour,the result was she attacked me and her twin sister resulting in her sister having a broken nose and me covered in bruises, her father has refused to give her back her mobile phone until she apologises for her ongoing abusive behaviour so she is refusing to come home until we give her back the phone and just keeps coming back to the house all night with a gang of louts her father has told her to go to the police as she is saying we have stolen her phone and to come back when she is prepared to apologise for her violence so it is at an impasse and she is not home.really dont know where to go as me and her twin sister are victims of domestic abuse by her and when my 26 year old daughter asked me would i keep her father in the house if he was being violent i had to answer no,so she doesnt understand why i would even contemplate keeping her sister at home anymore as she says that it is her sisters decision to carry on hitting us so only she can stop the behaviour.i have tried to get help and nothing works,i have severe osteo arthritis and fibromyalgia and can not physically take the beatings anymore,sorry.im a useless mum

You need outside help. Are her school any help at all? Are they aware of what is going on? Is there someone you can meet with there? I would also phone social services and explain the problem.

There should be services in your area for family counselling or at least help for teenagers.

been through all of the above drs wont even talk to us without her permission and camhs service is the service that refers on to action for children and social services and as she is not the abused but the abuser there is nothing they can do to compel her to get help as she went for the assessment and will not do anything more, 2 years ago it was reported that she was physically violent towards me and her sister and we are at this point still with no way forward except i am now ill and on antidepressants and her twin sister has been critically ill with kidney failure and is told every day to drop dead

if a stranger attacked you and your daughter like that, inflicting serious physical injuries you would call the police. I think that's what you should consider, however difficult that is. She needs to understand that her behaviour has consequences. Also, perhaps she needs an outside authority to make her face how serious and unacceptable her behaviour is.
Have you sen maryz's thread on her re troubled teens? Think you might find that helpful.

call the police. You've done all you can, you now need to protect yourselves. Change locks if she has keys, screen calls, make sure she can't get at money. If she is bringing thugs round call 999.

anger issues? Is that what it's called? She is either seriously mentally ill or....I can't imagine. You aren't a useless mum, she's a useless daughter.

the elastic can only be stretched so far. As your other daughter points out, you wouldn't take this off other family members.

amet, I am so sorry you are in this situation. It happens to more of us than people realise. :( It happened to me, and kept happening for over a year before I took the advice I am about to give you...

The first thing to say is that you are not a 'useless mum'. This abuse is not your fault - just as it would not be your fault if it were your husband/partner abusing you. It's not your fault - you are a victim here... But despite this, you are still the person who has to find the strength to stop it, which is unfair and hugely difficult.

You need to call the police if she ever attacks you again - tell her you will, and then do it. You need to think very seriously about whether to call the police this time. It sounds like this has gone on for a while, and if it was going to stop any other way, it would have done. Whether or not you want to call the police about what she has done to you, I think you should also tell your other daughter that you will back her up if she wants to make a police complaint. It is extremely serious that she has had her nose broken (of course you know that) and she deserves your back-up. She may be feeling very torn between protecting herself and protecting her sister. :(

It may help you to read some other past threads. I have picked some out for you that I hope will be useful...

This is the post where I first realised what was happening to me was domestic abuse.

More than a year later, I wrote a long post full of advice for someone else on this thread

This is a thread where a couple of other mums talked about similar problems with their daughters.

Here is a thread where parents talk about their experiences of calling the police when their DCs have been violent.

Last but not least, keep coming back here for support. Quite a few of us (too many) have been where you are now, and we'll be more than ready to support you, and be here to listen and not judge.