Is my 14yr old son going off the rails?

[missprocrastinate]

Hi everyone, I really need some advice about parenting my 14yr old son.

He has always been strong-willed, but since he started in Year 9 last Sept he has done some unbelievably stupid things.

(1) The school found out that he and his friends were pooling money together to buy cannabis resulting in a one day suspension from school and he was then "on report" for 2 weeks.
(2) We discovered cigarettes and a lighter in his rucksack (plus a pack of chewing gum and a can of deodorant).
(3) He and his friends caused criminal damage to a neighbours property by kicking down her "For Sale" sign - she was quite intimidated by them as well. Although this was on a Saturday afternoon she complained to the school who dealt with their behaviour.
(4) He got angry with another boy in class recently and made a stupid (racist) comment which the school had to deal with resulting in him being in isolation ... again!

Believe me, these are just a few of the things that have been going on and it's got to the point where every time the school contact me I immediately think it's going to be bad news - which it is!

His dad and I have tried all sorts of tactics - grounding him, banning him from TV/video games, withholding pocket money (he only gets if from his grandad anyway), but we don't feel like we're getting through to him.

He is a bright lad (according to his teachers) and could leave school with really good results if he applied himself more. However, he has always been popular and has a lot of friends (which is good), but the danger is that he wants to act like one of the "cool" kids and to be "cool" you have to be a badass!!

We can't pick his friends (in fact, many of his friends are lovely), but how can we encourage him to make sensible decisions.

He's very sporty (football and rugby) but we've been trying to encourage him to think of other options that could focus him more such as Air Cadets but apparently that's "gay"! We'd also like him to do the DoE award next year but he doesn't want to.

We worry he's getting a very bad name for himself at school (and within the local community - people talk!), and we know that there are teachers at the school who have immediately labelled him as trouble and are quick to "jump on him" for the slightest thing now. He hasn't helped himself here at all.

I know there must be parents out there reading this and thinking "that's my child too", so I'd love to share experiences and advice on this.

Thanks.

Yes, I'd say he is.

I have a lot of experience with 14 year olds. Cadets or something sounds good. You need to take control of his money until he can be trusted. Prepay for school meals etc. Ground him for poor behaviou. Give him sanctions that hurt eg remove his phone.

The canabis thing and the being nasty to a neighbour are v serious as far as I am concerned and for my DCs would have resulted in removal of phones, laptops etc as well as reparations for the neighbour.

Work with the school - they will help where they can. They may have lableeled him as a troublemaker - but probably because he is.

Very best of luck

Agree with everything that Scilly has said.

You really need to address this hard and fast.

He needs to be kept in and not let out at all until he can be trusted. His racist, and homophobic, remarks need to be addressed.

Hi, thanks for advice. His comment to boy in class wasn't intended as being racist - it was "banter" between the 2 of them & the other boy wasn't offended, but teacher overheard and took it out of context, and so school acted on it. He's horrified at being branded a racist.

Calling something "gay" doesn't mean he's homophobic it's just teenage speak meaning they don't like something.

However, I agree with your comments that we must impose stricter sanctions at home. He needs to earn our trust again and I think that could take a while.

Thanks for help.

10yo DS once called a girl a N..... She and her friend (white) were kicking his head in at the time (literally). It was the most horrible name callng he could think of. He doesn't actually care about skin colour, beyond mild curiousity. Still had to explain to him why many people would argue his single word was far worse than her violence (sigh).

Calling something gay as an insult is homophobic. It doesn't matter if you think it's "teenage speak" you have to let him know its not acceptable at all

no experience of this but I would expect him to apologise to the neighbour (in fact I would march him over there which you perhaps have already done) and also do something for her. This could be mowing her lawn for instance, washing her car or anything which seems appropriate to you and which she would be happy with. You or dh could also be there with him when he does this which may be necessary so she feels comfortable with it. I would explain to her that it is very important to me that he realises that when he damages property, he is hurting a person and ask her if she would be willing to let him do something like this. I realise she was intimidated by him but I would reassure her that you or dh would be there the whole time. I would be feeling really bad about this neighbour.

The other major worry for me (and you cannot address everything at once) is the drugs. It might do him good to see a drug rehabilitation centre and spend some Saturdays helping out in one. The whole family might be able to do this. There might be a charity which tries to help young people with drug problems who would welcome a pair of hands for some dirty work. It might open his eyes.

Don't get overwhelmed by all of it, start somewhere and get the ball rolling.

I understand you need to punish him for the things he's done, but you also need to be talking and listening to him about why he feels the need to behave like this. He could be trying to prove himself, as you suggest, but you say he's popular, good at sports and bright, so is that really likely?

Air cadets and D of E are all very well and good luck if you want to try these, but if he really hates them and doesn't cooperate, it will be a waste of time and, especially with D of E where it's all about team work, he will ruin it for others. Why not talk to him about what activities he might be interested in? He will have more commitment to it if he feels he's chosen it himself.

You don't say whether you have other DC; if you do, how are things with them?

Hi, I have 10yr old DD who is no prob whatsoever (for now!).

I have no idea who neighbour was (not our road) as it was school who called me about it & wouldn't disclose personal details, otherwise would have definitely gone to see her.

As for drugs incident, school got police in to do drug awareness session - this was all handled really well by the school.

We have suggested that he does some voluntary footy coaching for younger children & he seems quite keen on this. It's a way of giving back to community & combines his love of sport. It could also be part of his DofE if he does choose to do it.

It's a start!

Thanks for all your advice.