How to be harsh but fair

[Scaryfeet]

I've posted here a few times regarding dealing with 15 yo daughter. I realised that if I backed off, gave her more freedom and got less frustrated with her, we got on better. However, I think I'm now too soft! It's the same with both my kids (son is 11), if I tell them off, even a slight moan - they act like I've just done the worst thing in the world. DD gets straight on FB to slag me off, forgetting all the good things I do for her. And son will sulk and slam doors and stomp around, and this lasts for days, until I make up with them! To the point where I'm scared to tell either of them off, and just want to keep the peace. How do I get some kind of balance? Should I just take their mardyness when I've told them off?

You're their mum not their best friend. You need to discipline them, simple as that. They'll obviously do something to show you their anger as they don't like being told off. Personally, I wouldn't allow them to sulk for days or slag you off on FB. You need to think of what you expect from them and what punishment to put in place if needs be. How do you feel about dd slagging you off on FB? At one time we'd ring our friends, "mum's just told me off for x.. It's so unfair blah blah blah" Now they just either txt or FB. So I guess she's just doing what we all used to, just with different technology. If you don't want her to slag you off on FB then tell her if she does (obviously explain why it's not acceptable first) I'd take her laptop and/or phone for 1 night or 1 day. As for ds, explain why it's unacceptable to sulk for days then say if he does this you'll take away phone/laptop/games console/ or whatever he does most, for 1 night or 1 day.
Don't be scared! You are the adult here! Take charge!

Ignore their blustering/grumbling as far as possible, but don't let them slam doors or stomp around. Just calmly tell them not to slam the door.

I sympathise. I backed off massively with my 15YO DD too, hoping she would pay more heed to my 'advice' on the really important things given that she had a free rein with almost everything else, IYSWIM. It didn't though which made me really annoyed - it felt like the more freedom I gave her the more she wanted.

She's 16 and a half now and showing signs of being more reasonable (sometimens!!) Recently she commented that the mum of one of her friends tells her DD off for saying things that I would just laugh at and she was glad that her friend's mum isn't her mum.

How do you know what she's saying on FB? That would probably secretly annoy me too, depending on the tone and extent of it. I'd think most 15YO's complain about their parents to their friends though. No adult will give your DD's FB chatter a second thought - they're drama queens at that age.

Sorry, I hadn't read frazzled's post - slow typist.

tell them that those who behave like toddlers, get treated like toddlers. And then do it.

you are doing them no favours - the big bad world will not pander to them.

Thanks all. I knew what your replies would be! Suppose I just needed reassurance that I'm not going to destroy all the hard work I put into developing a better relationship with daughter by telling her off properly when she pushes her luck! The FB thing I understand, as you say, back in the day I would slag my mum off to my mates. It's just so annoying that she never shows any love to me, and never says a good word about me but as soon as I say no to her or she doesn't get her own way, she's slagging me off!

Unfortunately, that can be teenagers in general Her good side will come back though at age 21 ish