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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

At Witts end....

19 replies

Ray75 · 11/03/2013 14:58

DS is 16 and I just dont know how to manage his laziness and lack of ANY common sense, ability to demonstrate manners etc.
It came to head yesterday when my SIL mentioned when he baby sat for her that she had got in at 11pm to find the plate from the dinner she cooked him still left on the dinning room table (hadnt even taken it to the sink) had then helped himself to porridge of which lots was spilt all over the sides and floor with no attempt to clear it up.... he would never be aloud to do this at home however I am gutted and embarrassed he thinks he can else where. I was relying on the notion he new how to conduct himself away from home and infact was lazy with us, now it seems he does it at home becuase we get on at him or he gets punished then as soon as not at home does not give a fig...
I also notice the pocket money thread on here, we have stopped handing it out altogether as he was not doing a single thing to earn it such as some basic chores, we buy all clothes, hair cuts, mobile phone, petrol for scooter etc but I refuse to hand over money for social activities that he has not earnt in anyway. We ended up giving him a list of house hold jobs he could do with a value against each of them such as 'empty diswasher = £x) he has not tackled one thing on it and is surviving on xmas/birthday money right now.
He just does not seem to have any common sense or care in anything he does...or anybody, he repeat offends constantly, if we say you must not eat food or snacks that are not in the snack cupboard, he just ignores this and not only eats but eats all of it in a greedy way with no consideration for the other children in the house or adults for that matter....
I should say that he gets good school results which is of corse great and something to be proud of but getting A's is one thing but barley able to get yourself dressed and out the door means these will not get you very far surely!!
I feel like shaking him sometimes - Help

OP posts:

HermioneHatesHoovering · 12/03/2013 00:44

Stop the phone and petrol money immediately. Lock away the food you have told him he mustn't eat. It sounds like he needs to learn some respect. You have to be tough and prove to him that you mean what you say, otherwise he will walk all over you.

Monty27 · 12/03/2013 00:52

Join the club. Minus the scooter and petrol and good results. Probably not that helpful.

Swop you for ds who got 5 mediocre gcse's and doesn't lift a finger, stinks of weed from time to time and got kicked out of sixth form?

They aren't like us teenage boys.....

(I can feel a Philip Larkin coming on, please add)

That's a whole thread on it's own isn't it?

MuchBrighterNow · 12/03/2013 06:17

Yep .. you are describing a typical teenage boy Op! Their brains are just wired into thoughtless mode for a few years and from my experience no amount of nagging or incentives can change it.

Original poster

Ray75 · 14/03/2013 11:04

Thanks for the responses, it came to head last night after discovering he had eaten in a 2 hour period an entire packet of biscuits to himself before dinner. Again no thought that the other children might like the oppertunity to have one!!! not to mention it was obvious some of these biscuits were consumed whilst on the loo as i found crumbs on the side of the bath...ewww teenage boys are soo grose it never ceases to amaze me!!
Therefore his Father has now put a complete ban out, he is not allowed to help himself to any food what so ever other than water out the tap without asking first. If we are not there he can text, if we are working and can not reply he will have to wait.
Hhateshoovering is right we have to mean business as no amount of laying down the law has worked.
Typical behaviour yes, however if we dont teach him not to be greedy and inconsiderate of others now he will carry that attitude further through life.

OP posts:

yellowbrickrd · 15/03/2013 15:07

Sorry but I think you are massively overreacting re the mess at SIL's and the biscuits. Are you really not going to allow him to have a single morsel of food without asking you? That is so draconian that I really don't think it will help to teach him any manners.

I assume that you have taught him manners throughout his life but the trouble is, as pointed out above, his brain is not engaged at the moment. That's not an excuse but it is an explanation and does not mean that he will grow up into a greedy and inconsiderate adult.

The mess at your SIL's was pretty minor wasn't it? And he helped himself to porridge, not the contents of the fridge and drinks cabinet! How about giving him some credit for being responsible enough to babysit? His grades are also excellent despite his lazy ways so he clearly does understand the importance of his behaviour to his future.

There is also an element of mixed-messages in your dealings with him. You don't give pocket-money and he refuses to earn it with chores but you pay for everything he needs anyway so he is not learning the value of these things. It must be a lot of money to shell out.

I would re-think the list of chores with monetary value on - the point about chores is that they do them to help the family, that is the value of them. Soon he will run out of money, at which point tell him you will not pay for his phone etc unless he helps in the house.

comingintomyown · 15/03/2013 16:11

My solution to the ever snacking is to shop for nuts,crisps,biscuits and chocolate at Aldi because at their prices its not too painful.

I ask mine to maybe eat cereal or bread first to fill up a bit as snacks are expensive although this is mostly ignored. I also hide food so there isnt a load and therefore a green light to tuck in.

Re money just stop paying for stuff until he pitches in

oldqueencrepey · 15/03/2013 21:30

I think you're very harsh OP. Correct him and tell him you're disappointed by all means... but you are being way over the top (imo). What will you do when he does something really awful / disrepectful / stupid? Dont have food lying around that he can't eat.. teenage boys are like ravenous beasts, often starving.

Mishaps · 15/03/2013 21:42

Tell this lad you are proud of him and how lovely it is that he is now a young man.

He will be feeling uncertain of himself and needs to know that he is a worthwhile human being - only you can make him feel that.

Bite the bullet and just tolerate the eating, scruffiness and whatever - it simply goes with the territory of being a teenager. In the main they come out the other side as charming young men. You've nothing to lose really - the nagging route will drive you and him nuts.

oldqueencrepey · 16/03/2013 11:20

I've come back to this because i have ben thinking more about it. I feel upset when I read posts on here that seem to consider teenagers some sort of (lesser) sub species of the human race. If an adult (or your dh?) committed the "crimes" that you are so cross with your ds for (not clearing up at a friends, being a selfish arse) how would you deal with it? Would you be feeling like you wanted to inflict some dreadful consequence on them or would you be speaking to them about how their behaviour made you feel and having a discussion to find a way forward. Why set up an antagonistic punishing relationship with your child (who will be an adult / perhaps off to university in a couple of years anyway).... I don't get it.

BackforGood · 16/03/2013 12:02

Seriously !!!???
"It came to a head..." by him leaving a used plate on the dining room table ???!!!

Off to find a grip for you OP

freddiemisagreatshag · 16/03/2013 12:05

If that is the worst "crime" he ever commits, you'll be bloody lucky.

Manys the teen wouldn't have babysat for cousins in the first place.

And teenaged boys are always hungry. They just are.

FFS. He's banned from all but water? Why not just go the whole hog and send him to the workhouse?

yellowbrickrd · 16/03/2013 12:15

Yes, there's something unpleasantly gleeful in the way the OP says "he is not allowed to help himself to any food what so ever other than water out the tap without asking first". One look around this board should have been enough to help her realise how lucky they are if these are the only problems he's giving them.

I find our society generally extremely intolerant and negative towards teens, it's a shame.

The sort of messy behaviour described always reminds me of one of my fave old films, 'Gregory's Girl' about a 16 year-old boy. It shows him getting up in the morning, long after everyone else is in school. He bumbles about, has a bash on his drum kit, brushes his teeth a bit while gazing at himself in the mirror then uses every implement and gadjet in the kitchen to make himself a milkshake breakfast with pineapple garnish and finally goes off leaving the kitchen covered in mess with his toothbrush still buzzing on the counter!

JennyPiccolo · 16/03/2013 12:27

He sounds very babied for 16. At that age or not much older a lot of my friends and I were living out of the house and at university. I certainly was at 16. Maybe he would respond well to being given some responsibility round the house or in a part time job.

fostermumtomany · 19/03/2013 02:53

tricky one this because as his mum you are worried about his seemingly thoughtfulness at everything he does.
heres the thing, it is (apparently) a scientific fact that teenage boys are thoughtless for about 6 years! from the ages of 14 (ish) to about 20 (ish) they just don't think like human beings are supposed to, or how we want them to. they seem to be insolent, rude, messy and ignorant but they actually cannot help it! I read a paper on teen development for a course im doing as part of my fostering training that describes it. it was written by experts so im sure its all shit but you never know, he could be one of those teen boys they were discussing!

ItsallisnowaFeegle · 19/03/2013 06:14

You sound like you're describing my 14yr old DD, OP.

She's really lazy, eats all the treats, does nothing to chip in around the home, except dishes (because I make her) and she does those badly! On top of everything you mention, she also gets hair dye and makeup on my towels, uses my makeup, perfume, hair straighteners etc without permission, and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

No advice, just support from one who knows how tiring and monotonous it all is!

One day they'll have their own place and we can do unto them as they currently do unto us!

FaceLikeAPickledOnion · 19/03/2013 06:27

I feel really sorry for your ds.
Can't you give him his own cupboard, give him a few quid a week to fill it with whatever crap he likes and he's free to raid it whenever.
Teenage boys are messy and smelly. Fact!
Just because he's like this now, does not mean he will grow up like this.
Show him a bit more love, it sounds like you all hate him at the mo. From what you've said, I just want to cuddle him and tell him he's doing alright.

ItsallisnowaFeegle · 19/03/2013 08:27

It does not sound like the OP hates her son!

FFS teenagers are a pain in the arse, fact! They grow out of it and we all move on to a different stage of life.

From what I see the OP says she's stressed, not that she hates or doesn't love her son!

Let me go find a grip for all the OP badgers!

ItsallisnowaFeegle · 19/03/2013 08:27

OP bashers, not badgers, obviously

cory · 19/03/2013 09:15

The problem with your new policy restricting everything and controlling everything he does is that it is not going to help him see himself as an adult. As long as you keep it up you are stuck in this stage. A short, sharp shock, fair enough (though even that seems a little excessive), but then you need to move on and get back to a situation where you are treating him as an adult.

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