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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Feel really hurt by my dds' lack of care over Mother's Day

32 replies

dontagreewithit · 10/03/2013 13:40

I know that Mother's Day is mainly just an over commercialised excuse for the shops to make money, but I can't help feeling hurt & upset by the sheer selfishness of my dds (16 & 13).

I have had a card (chosen by dh I suspect) a "Happy Mothers Day" thrown at me from from dd2 on her way to the kitchen and a HMD status posted by her on Facebook (mainly for the benefit of her friends I suspect). Dd1 told me she is walking round looking miserable because she doesn't want me & dh to talk to her "because you are too annoying".

Friends of theirs have bought presents and flowers for their mums, done breakfast in bed etc, etc, all off their own backs.

I realise it's probably my fault that they are so selfish & uncaring, but it's really made me feel sad today. It would be lovely to go out for a meal or something as a family, but the moaning they would do beforehand and the fact that dd2 is such a fussy eater would make what should be a pleasant occasion just miserable.

They are like this most of the time recently, and I usually just tell myself it's normal teenage behaviour and it will pass (which I do believe) but today it's really hit home.

Not a lot anyone can say, but I didn't want to share this in real life, as, to be honest I am ashamed of them & know it reflects badly on me that they are so selfish.

OP posts:
colditz · 10/03/2013 13:42

Cry and make them feel guilty.

Original poster
dontagreewithit · 10/03/2013 13:53

Not sure if you are being sarcastic. I have been crying but not in front of them.

OP posts:
nickstmoritz · 10/03/2013 14:07

You sound really nice and it's not your fault. My son is far more thoughtful than my DDs one of whom hasn't bothered today so feel a bit peeved with her. Try and let it go otherwise you will feel bad. Maybe next year dh can prompt them a bit more and help organise them to make breakfast and flowers. Tell him how you feel. Anyway sod em...Put your feet up and watch a movie with a glass of wine and get DH to get a takeaway.I bet you organise them to bother for Father's Day. Cyber hugs x

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 10/03/2013 14:14

Teenagers feel awful a lot of the time so walking around looking stressed isn't something you can really tell them off for, nice as it may be. But you or dh should really just tell them how shit it's made you feel. They're not babies, you should expect more of them. Parents who don't expect care and effort from their kids are just churning out kids who don't see why they should bother to be kind to others.

ByTheWay1 · 10/03/2013 14:34

my girls made me scrambled egg on toast for breakfast - after I said last week I would like that, when hubby brought up "what would you like for mother's day" loudly in front of the kids....

they made me cards - because they went to their gran's last weekend and she does craft with them.....

and they made a cake to have at tea time later - because they like cake ...

So although it looks to the outside world that they have been very thoughtful , without the prompting I might have got a happy mother's day and that would be that..... so give a bit of prodding next time...

colditz · 10/03/2013 15:40

I was not being sarcastic, I mean it. Burst into tears and make them feel horrible.

DioneTheDiabolist · 10/03/2013 15:47

I agree with Colditz if you feel like crying do it in front of them. IRS Mother's Day, they let you down and you feel hurt. Why should you have to hide your feelings?

CiderwithBuda · 10/03/2013 15:47

I would make them feel bad too. DS wouldn't bother but I warned DH that he needed to make sure I got a card at least. And we went out for lunch. Lots of moaning but I don't care. Im trying to get DS to start thinking of others. My view is that if I don't make him start to think a but about Mothers Day and sacrifice something (time in front of playstation) then he won't ever. So tell your girls how hurt you are. I would disappear off without saying anything and come home with something nice for yourself.

bigbluebus · 10/03/2013 17:01

Put your feet up and do nothing all day, or pamper yourself.
If they want anything, then they are old enough to get it for themselves. If they ask "where's dinner?" just tell them you are having Mother's Day off so it is their job to cook.
I told DS he had to iron his school uniform today as it was Mother's Day - he replied that he would "just have to go to school with it creased then"!

I did get a card and a Yankee Candle off him though!

Catsdontcare · 10/03/2013 17:04

Return the affection on their birthday.

Original poster
dontagreewithit · 10/03/2013 17:12

Well I've just been for a (cold) 5 mile walk and a pint with dh which was nice. Told him how I felt (he'd seen me crying earlier, thought I was upset about my own mum who died 15 years ago). He confirmed that dd1 had given him some money and asked him to get the card when he went food shopping on Friday night. So they couldn't even make it to a shop to choose the card themselves (we live within 2 minutes if at least 3 shops that sell cards).

I'm hoping he might say something to the dds. I know I should say something myself, but I don't think I could bear the indifference I might get in return.

I try so hard most of the time to rise above their teenagerish behaviour, but today just couldn't do it. It was similar at Christmas, when it didn't even cross their minds to go out & buy something for me or dh. I think I feel worse because I feel like I've caused them to be like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
dontagreewithit · 10/03/2013 17:13

And I can't bring myself to indulge in "tit for tat" behaviour (not doing anything for their birthday etc), can't see how two wrongs make a right.

OP posts:
Thingiebob · 10/03/2013 17:15

Don't cry and make them feel guilty FGS!

I agree with the other poster who said to take Mother's Day off.

HorribleMother · 10/03/2013 17:20

I hate the whole bloody thing. Piles of pointless expectations (on both sides). Farce at best.

CiderwithBuda · 10/03/2013 17:20

Yes it's typical teen behaviour but it's up to you and DH to teach them to treat others as they want to be treated. At Xmas I knew DS wouldn't think to do anything for DH and I unless prompted so a few years ago I instigated a Xmas shopping trip where DH takes him off to get me something and I take him to get something for DH. We then meet up for lunch somewhere nice. It's now a Xmas tradition he looks forward to and he reminds me to organise.

DH wouldn't bother about Mothers Day but he was warned that I expected a bit more effort than last year. It's not about getting a present it's about making DS actually do something for someone else. I will in turn get him to do something for Fathers day.

I don't want to be unkind but if you don't pull them up on it or get DH to, then you will cause them to grow up only thinking of themselves. And I take it you didn't say anything at Xmas?

DreamsTurnToGoldDust · 10/03/2013 17:23

Teenages can be horrible though, hard as it is ride it out and when theyre grown up a bit theyll be a lot nicer. At this age its all about them, if its not they are not interested.

QOD · 10/03/2013 17:27

I made my dd make me a cuppa, explained yet again its MY day to be treated and got her to peel the veg, she did it, relatively gracefully for a Kevin.

I then gave her a pressie I bought her ad told her it's nice when people aren't grumpy all the time cos it makes you think about them and treat them.
She was very over the moon and all happy.

I have been to work all day so not had the breakfast thing and she bought me two bottles of red wine and a card so she was in my good books already!!

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 10/03/2013 17:28

I think it's up to your dh to make sure they are organised tbh, and I think crying is a bit OTT. Dp gave the dds some money yesterday and sent them off to town. Otherwise I would have probably have got homemade cards and a bar of chocolate, which would have been fine too.

DD2 refused to make me a cup of tea earlier, even though I'd taken her out for tea and cake. I made my own tea - and she'll enjoy washing up later! :)

CiderwithBuda · 10/03/2013 18:20

My sis used to get up early and make my mum a cake on mothers day. And one year I had no money so ran my mum a bath and while she was in it I changed her bedding so she had a nice fresh bed to get into afterwards. My dad did always remind us to do something nice on mothers day even if we didn't have money to buy anything. But it did take reminding!

Timetoask · 10/03/2013 18:45

Here at home I told DH (since the Dcs were newborn) that for mother's day I don't ever want a present but a gesture of some sort to show love and appreciation. My Dcs are still little but they gave me handmade pictures, treated me to pancakes for breakfast, and jointly with DH cooked me a lovely lunch. However! And here is my point.... All was instigated by DH and I expect that he will continue to be the instigator when they're teenagers. So I think your DH needs to get them organised next year to give you a massive treat.
When they because adults they will probably be more motivated! For now they need a little nudging.

specialsubject · 10/03/2013 19:20

forget mother's day, not important. What is important is if they are selfish, entitled brats all the time as you imply.

that needs sorting - and that is what parents do. Good luck...

doglover · 10/03/2013 20:38

I've been having a bit of a weep for the last hour. No effort - other than a card - has been made by my 2 dd (12 and 14) or dh. Feel totally fedup. I wasn't looking for anything 'bought' just some special attention and care. I know exactly hoe you feel, OP. Sad

ivykaty44 · 10/03/2013 22:18

go on strike,

when they are hungry and have no clean clothes and are not getting lifts here and there - thats the time to talk to them and bargain Wink

flow4 · 10/03/2013 22:20

My DSes have done pretty well this year, but this is the first time in 3 years that DS1 (now almost 18) has marked mothers' day in any way. One year he excelled himself Hmm by actually eating the special cakes that DS2 had made for my MD present! Angry I cried last year and the year before, and felt exactly like you: that although it was stupid to care, I did; and that it must be my 'fault' he was so selfish and thoughtless. :(

Your DH could do a bit more chivvying... But I'm a single parent and there's no-one to chivvy my boys. I find myself just telling them directly that I would like some sign of appreciation, and reminding them myself. I thought that since I did care even though it was a bit daft it was the best plan just to tell them straight...

jellybeans · 11/03/2013 15:25

Very common behavior unfortunately, teenagers can be very selfish. I have 2 teen DDs and one is more selfish than the other usually but both are more self absorbed since hitting 13. One thing to remember though is that if she is taking you totally for granted in a way it is a compliment because they only do that when they feel totally secure and safe. Those scrambling to please their mums may well just be lovely thoughtful people or they may be desperate to please their parent as their relationship is insecure. Also in time they will grow out of it. I was a horrible selfish teen and grew out of it pretty soon after moving out/getting a job etc etc. I am very unselfish as a person now so it doesn't apply long term! My 16 YO is already much better than she was although didn't make that much effort mothers day she did make some. I accepted that, for her, it was good. It is a hard age!

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