Worried about my daughter's relationship.

[SGambino21]

First time poster, found this site last night, I'm just quite worried about my daughter's relationship.

J is the oldest of two, she's almost 21 and she works full time as well as playing semi-professional rugby and having driving lessons, she's usually in good spirits but sometimes she's very grumpy and won't leave her bed. She's also very immature for her age, far more interested in watching cartoons and playing video games than going out with her mates. There's no mental health problems or self harm (apart from both her arms being totally covered in horrendous 'manga' tattoos but that's another story!!!)

J has been 'out' to all the family as a lesbian since she was 15, we're nothing but accepting over it, we're welcoming to her partners and both of our kids have been brought up to accept everyone regardless of their sexuality.

She's 'in a relationship' with this girl that she met on Twitter, L, and they're up till all hours on Skype and texting, J never shuts up about her. There's also a 200 mile gap between them, this sparked J's need to get a car haha! There's only one major problem: L's 15. I've spoke to J about ages of consent and coercion and she reassures me that nothing is going to happen until L is 16, that they both want to wait and although J's very attracted to her she said "I wouldn't want to be a paedo." J says she's spoke to L's family on Skype and they all seem to like her, in particular L's big sister (She's at least 21 who sees J as a drinking buddy!) They've been talking since November (to my knowledge, J's very open about things) and L 'asked her out' just after New Year. They're meeting for the first time in L's school holidays, both of them are bringing a friend and hanging out in London for the day. I don't understand why my daughter is with someone so young, can't she just get a partner her own age? I sometimes listen to their phonecalls and it all sounds completely innocent, a lot of talk about the 'animes' they both watch, lots of 'I love you's and blowing kisses. J is still emotionally very young, from what I know about L (who is only in Year 10) she is very much the 'man' in their relationship, especially looks wise. J knows I'm worried and mentioned on her way to rugby last night that some of her mates have partners a few years younger than them and it's not a big deal anymore.

I don't know what to say to J, 15 and 20 is an inappropriate age gap, it's bordering on paedophilia IMHO. I can't physically stop J from seeing L, but she needs to see that having a sexual relationship with a minor is wrong. I'm pretty sure they 'sext' because my husband has picked up J's phone and seen a semi naked picture of (who we assume is?) L. We were too worried to confront her.
I'm just looking for advice really, what can I say to J? Or am I overreacting? Should I allow their relationship to run its course or should I try and get in touch with L's mother?

Thanks,

S

you sound very caring

im not sure what you should do - i guess if your daughter was not living with you you wouldn't even know

i suppose its good that she has said so much to you, and you have discussed the age gap

one idea might be as they are meeting up to talk to the other parent and just check that she is 15 and that the parent is ok with them meeting up - I guess parent must know if the daughter is travelling - 100 miles? to meet up? Can't imagine your daughter would like it though

L lives in North London so its only a short journey for her. I'm pretty sure there's no coercion on either part, I'm just sat here out of my mind with worry: what could a 20 year old girl possibly have in common with a 15 year old? What could they possibly find to talk about until 2am every night?

I'm not sure it is such a big age gap as a mature, savvy 15 year old may well act 17 and your dd may well be immature for her age. Has your dd had other partners who were closer to her in age? If not, it may be that this is a 'safer' relationship in her eyes and not so threatening to her.

I agree that you sound very caring and aware, but I'm not sure further intervention is going to be possible or helpful at this stage.

All you can do is check that the 15 yo parents are aware.....

You've said that your DD is very imature for her age, plus she presumably likes Manga comics and video games.

They are all common interested with a 15 year old. Will they get along now? Yes, probably; probably not in 5 years' time but that won't bother either of them at this point.

it's not a relationship if they've never actually met!!!

all part of the immaturity on both sides.

Well? you do need to have a serious chat with your DD about boundaries. Not about her being a paedophile(!) I don?t think she is. But about what?s safe and appropriate behaviour for a 20 year old and a 15 year old. It?s not just about physical contact. Even if your DD is immature she is still the oldest and she has the responsibility. Two young girls can talk about games or whisper sweet nothings until the small hours, there?s no harm in that, but if she really is exchanging sexual texts with a fifteen year old and her friend is sending sexual pictures of herself, then that is inappropriate. Her friend?s family may like your DD and accept her but they may see it more as a romance and friendship than an adult sexual relationship, and they may not be at all happy if they find out their fifteen year old daughter has been exchanging sexual messages or sending half-naked pictures of herself. Your DD is naïve and perhaps she does not understand the risks.

Hope it all works out.

Thanks everyone for your comments. I was just putting laundry away in DD's room and her laptop made a noise, went to go and turn it off and I couldn't resist having a look at a chat she'd left open with L.

Well, I wish I hadn't. It started off very sweet, talking about their days etc and swapping 'I love you's, then things turned sour. I found out that they were up till 4am this morning exchanging sexual messages/pictures. I understandably didn't want to open the pictures, but they were all sent by L. L was also being very explicit in the messages, talking about some disgusting sex acts and even (hopefully joking) about raping DD if she doesn't want to do these things. I'm frankly horrified. DD was strangely just replying to these messages with smiley faces and heart emoticons. L was also sending DD links to porn videos.

(Even worse, possible TMI) I'm pretty sure they had a webcam/video feed running at the same time, L kept sending very sexual messages that seemed like 'instructions' for DD.

I'm not deluded or angry, I know that they're both young and their hormones must be through the roof, but I've got a bad feeling about this. Not from a legal perspective, as far as I can see DD hasn't done anything 'wrong,' I just can't help but think about DD and if she's actually happy with all of this, she's so immature and easily persuaded in many ways.

I'm quite worried, her and L seemed so innocent and sweet together up until a few days ago.

Advice?

It all sounds rather full on to be from a 15YO, are you sure she is only 15? It all sounds very strange. I think you are right to be worried.

The 15 YO could be taking screen shots of stuff DD is doing then sharing it on the web, she might be disturbed, vulnerable, who knows. DD needs to be careful when they all meet up as she doesn't know these people.

It?s horrible but really it's a good thing you saw that stuff, sounds as if your DD does need your help to manage this situation. Even if she doesn't want to admit it she could be way out of her depth. Looks like you?ve got to have a very awkward conversation with her about what you've seen and what she might have been doing. But worthwhile, for her sake.

Sympathies and I do hope it works out for the best.