daughter in fight last night-Should I get involved?

[berlingo]

My 14 yr old got into a fight with a girl from school last night at a birthday party. My DH was thumped in the head which seems to have the only blow, thenlotsof screaming swearing. This is a girl who has been causing problems for few weeks, a former friend who decided to send my DH to coventry. My DH as been upset but has coped wellwith it and does not seem to have been too phased by this latest incident. But what should I do ifanythng? Call the mum, tell school?My husband thinks ourDH should have thumped her back and I should tell the mum.

Hmm..I think if it were my DD I would call the school on Monday and simply say that there has been some trouble over the half term and that your DD was attacked by this girl. Say that you don't want to make a big thing of it, but you would be grateful if the school could note that there are issues between them and to ensure that they are not seated near each other in lessons. Just ask teachers to keep an eye out in case there are any future problems.

I wouldn't contact other Mum. And I would be telling DD to stay away from this girl if possible. You don't want things to escalate any further.

Do you mean dd not dh? I'm a bit confused.
But I'm going to assume you mean dd. I would have a word with the school so that they can keep an eye out and possibly offer some advice.
Has your dd said why this has happened and told you the build up to this? It might make it easier to reach a solution if you know whats actually going on.

It's very stressful when our kids have fights, isn't it? As parents, we're focused on keeping them safe and making sure they behave well - and if they have had a fight, they may not have been/done either. And there's not much we can do about it.

It also sounds like you and your husband have different opinions, if he thinks your DD should have hit the other girl, and you don't.

I'd be surprised if school were interested tbh, since the fight happened outside term time and not on school premises.

Good schools take account of major incidents, but this doesn't sound like it was one. They can't possibly police every teenage fall-out - just imagine how many ex best friends, enemies and people each teen doesn't want to sit next to, in a class of 30!

What's more, you did not see what happened: you can't say for sure that your DD 'was attacked'. And I know from experience that our own DCs can be rather unreliable witnesses - not (or not only) because they tell us what they think we want to hear, but also because different people have different perspectives, especially in an argument. With only your DD's version of events, I'm afraid you run the risk of complaining about this girl, and then discovering your DD attacked her, or hurt her more badly than she hurt your DD.

I think what you do next depends on how well you know the other girl's mum, and how sure you are that this was 'a minor incident'. If you know her and are sure she'll be reasonable, speak to her. If you think there may be more to this than meets the eye, also try to speak to her. Otherwise, it's probably best to just let it go.

It might be a good idea for you and your husband to discuss and agree what you want your daughter to learn about resolving conflict. At the moment it sounds like your DH has given your DD the message that it's ok to fight and hit people, under certain circumstances... Is that what you want her to learn?

I would agree with what sowornout has said. To a certain extent your daughter can avoid this other girl out of school, but she won't have a choice in school. Verbal abuse is bad enough, but when it becomes physical that's another step on. Also, you don't know if this just relates to your daughter or whether there have been previous incidents in the past, so it will certainly be good for the school to have a record. You are naturally only wanting to protect your daughter and I'm sure the school would rather know than not.

Thank you for all your comments. Apologies, I did mean DD not DH! My first reaction was relief, that at least according to my DD, she had not hit back. Now I hear it my reluctance to contact the girls mother is around not knowing her well and therefore not being able to predict how she may react. That is good to know as I was worried it was just around me being a wimp! My husbands reaction comes partly from his own background but more from his wish to protect our DD. Back in year 6 she was badly bullied and we both want to do everything we can to stop it happening again. This does feel different but that experience does cast long shadows for us all.I think I will have a quiet word with school, just for the record. This girl is new to the school so I take your point about there may be stuff which we are not privy to.