god...............teenagers

[bigisbeatifull]

Got home, he had dressed, but wash or do teeth, why would he want to do that. So the smelly one is now revising, well, I say revising, what I actually mean is sitting in front of various books and looking in to space. Occasionally , when he thinks I cant see he gives me a glare, I have now said he can do it to my face, he doesn't like me, that's fine, I don't like him. He only has couple more years, he can get himself a full time job in macdonalds and leave home.

Don't - I repeat..........don't like boys. They are lazy, smelly articles, who mope around your house, feeling hard done by everyone.

am at the end of my teather, just want to slap in around the face, he is so not bothered.

How true, ThePrisoner.

How very true. Spot on.

But can none of you remember what it was like being a teenager? You're still treated as a child in some respect, because you still are, yet you're also an adult. It's very confusing and you don't really know how to act. You know it's time to let go of your childhood and part of you wants that, but you also want the safety and security of your childhood too. Everything is a bit scary, your emotions, your sexuality, your independance, your body changes, everything is strange and people treat you differently. Suddenly you become threatening when you don't mean to be, people no longer give you nice comments or praise, they give you criticism instead. That lovely curly hair is now all greasy, your chubby childlike complexion is now full of spots, you are sprouting hairs in unlikely places, you smell even when you've washed.

Yes they are lazy arses - but then you cannot just jump up one day, after doing their cleaning and washing for them and announce that today they're on their own!

Have a heart! Look back in your own memories at how awful a time teenagerdom is, find out what would have made a difference to you. Instead of criticising all the time, give a little praise too! If you want them to respect you, start to respect them! If you give them rules, ask them what rules they'd like to give you (no nagging, no entering their room without knocking, etc).

Try to understand and I guarantee the changes will come.

I really find that hard to understand, Rhubarb. I didn't experience anything like that and nor did my DH. When I was a teenager I had to do all the housework and look after my younger siblings as well as take physical and emotional abuse daily from my mother. I left home at 16, gave up my education to escape the abuse and worked full time for the next 24 years. I could never have got away with being rude to my parents but the crucial thing is that it wouldn't have occurred to me to behave in the way that most teenagers seem to be expected to behave nowadays. I never disregarded other peoples' feelings like my eldest daughter does, I never manipulated people to try and get them to serve my needs, I never abused my parents' house - and I wouldn't have done those things if my mother had been loving, either.

Even after I had left, even after my mother's abuse caused me to have a nervous breakdown once I'd escaped her house, I still visited her and tried to make her happy, I wanted her approval, always. Yet my DD1 seemingly goes out of her way to hurt my feelings, if one strategy doesn't work she moves on to another until she scores a hit. She abuses me. DD2 is a teenager also, and treats me wonderfully well. If anything I have given DD1 more care and attention than DD2 because she has always been more needy, but it was all in vain. The two are entirely different people.

I feel guilty about what's happened with DD1 and me though in my heart I know I did all I possibly could for her. The last thing a despairing parent needs when struggling with a teen is other people telling them it is their fault.

I was abused by my mother, later by the father of my two girls and now my daughter. On top of that parents like me have to fend off blame from other people too.

bigisbeatifull was letting off some steam and I think it would be nice if she got support and sympathy as it can be heartbreaking dealing with a difficult teen as I well know.

DS1 did resits of 4 of his ASs in January - #14 each, he paid - only succeeded in clawing a few extra marks and is resitting a couple of them again, plus a couple of the January A2 modules, in June (another fifty-six quid) and all because he was stupid about revising last June.

He will probably need to do yet more resits after this June because he will be a lazy sod again. He's not applying for uni this time because his grades aren't good enough for what he wants to do - he's getting a mundane job after he finishes school, paying for his keep and seeing how that feels.

He's a lovely boy in a lot of ways but it's his life to waste and his problem, and the same with yours, bib

Also, what we need to accept is that, for many of us, this is a sharp learning curve too. You have this wonderful child who suddenly turns into someone you don't know. If it is your first teenager, you will have had no previous experience of this and you have to learn the best way of dealing with it, which may well be different for each child, so it's often a question of trial and error.

And sometimes we will get it wrong, simply because we don't know any better, not because we are bad parents.

That's so right Freckle. I clearly remembering waking one morning and sitting across the breakfast table from this sullen, spotty, hairy person and wondering where this alien had hidden my boy.

They've bought him back now - he was gone a couple of years - it's a shame they've taken ds2 in exchange

Stick with it bib - praise the good stuff and try to ignore the bad, unless it's illegal or dangerous. He has to make his own mistakes.

That's so true freckle. Teenagers seem to expect parents to be experts in every aspect of fulfilling their children's needs, as well as cook and bottlewasher you should be a DIY expert, chauffeur, nurse, entertainer, counsellor, psychiatrist, know everything about their homework to help them, mindreading is useful. And your own relationship must be perfect yet not in their face because they judge, judge, judge you without the benefit of any experience or having ever been tested themself.

I'm feeling really emotional about this issue, I'm sorry if my posts are a bit over the top as I have no quarrel with anyone I just feel desperately empathic with bigisibeatifull and am finding this issue very close to home atm.

And one thing I can say with absolue conviction is that even the very best, and nucest and most caring of parents can have 'horrid' teenagers. I've chatted to many who are out of their minds with worry at their kids who are basicaly totaly out of control.

Being a good parent obviously helps to creat nice kids, but it isn't a guarentee....in no way

And the do expect a hell of a lot from their parents....more than I ever did from mine. Sort of 'Give us some money, drop us off at the cinema, and then I never want to see you again because you are just so crap'.

Anorak, I'm not criticising bigisbeautiful or anyone who has problems with teens! Why is it that I think I've posted an ok post, maybe even helpful, and someone comes along who tells me that I'm being unsupportive and critical!

You had a raw deal as a teenager and I am sorry about that. I also got physical abuse from my mother and emotional and mental abuse from my stepfather. But I don't see how that is relevant to the case in point here. Bigisbeautiful is clearly not abusing her teenage son.

She has had many supportive posts and she is obviously a caring mother. I was merely trying to address the balance of the few who had said how horrible, smelly and lazy teenagers are.

Sorry that you took my post for something it wasn't.

I'm probably being too nice. I'll go to being horrid again, I just end up getting into trouble when I try to be nice!

No rhubarb, I didn't think you were being critical and unsupportive, not you. Sorry it probably looked like that because I mentioned your name at the start of my post. That was because of what you said about remembering what it was like to be a teenager - I was answering you on that point trying to explain that not all of us were self-centred as teenagers so even if we do remember being one it isn't going to help us understand one who isn't the same type of personality we were. Then I carried on rambling and ranting about other things!!

As I said this is a very emotional issue for me as I have had three years of being abused by me eldest daughter, I was almost in tears reading and contributing to this thread yesterday and I did mention in one of my posts that I knew I was becoming very emotional and perhaps not expressing myself too well.

I'm sorry if I upset you, didn't mean to

Hi Christie, nothing has happened with DD1. DH really not well at all though, waiting for NHS direct to call back. Thanks for asking.

had a good old heart to heart last night after a long family day trip to london.
ds cried, i welled up, and for now, all is good. thanks for all the support, good and bad. sure i will be back soon.lol

Anorak - sorry too, am a bit sensitive myself atm. I had a far from happy teenagerhood, but I still remember all the confusing emotions that accompanied these types. I suppose it was self-obsession too, so many things are happing to you that you spend nearly every moment of the day wondering why how and so on! I found it a frightening and bewildering time not helped by the fact that I had no-one to talk to, no-one who seemed to give a shit really. So I understand your point and I'm sorry you got emotional, it's one of those subjects isn't it?

Bigisbeautiful - glad you had a heart to heart. Often the best way to get through to teens is just to listen.

And they all lived happily ever after

Well we can hope!

Lots about boys who won't wash, bath or shower but does anyone else have a girl who is averse to soap, water and toothpaste. My 12 year old does a lot of sport. I have given her the reasoned chat about bacteria, BO, the possible intolerance of others, tooth decay, fillings and injections etc. Has no effect. Should I just leave it and see if things improve?